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Shadowculture's Mr. Cranky

Whether it's a comedy, drama or action movie, Mr. Cranky's movie reviews can provide myriad details as to why a movie, to quote the film school term, "sucks." Ok, so he's predictable. On this dubious premise, we've built an accidental institution. Welcome, kindred soul, to Crankyland.

Rating Scale

1 bomb Almost tolerable

2 bombs Consistently annoying

3 bombs Will require therapy after viewing

4 bombs As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

Ka-BOOM! So godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity.

Nuke Proof that Jesus died in vain.

New Reviews: On DVD & in Theatres

New Reviews: On Fridays when we feel up to it.

Iron Man

So basically, there's a half hour of this movie that involves Stark building a giant iron suit just out of camera range while confused Afghan rebels discuss amongst themselves what he might be doing. (more)

Iron Man (guest review)

Vectorzero writes: And what happened to Jeff Bridges? In this film he's fat, bald and has a gray beard, making him a dead ringer for Rob Reiner. (more)

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How-To

Mr. Cranky's Guide to Writing Movie Reviews

To help users better understand the art of writing film reviews, Mr. Cranky provides this helpful guide to get you started. (more)

Culture War

New rants on Tuesdays. Sometimes.

The Real Culture War (guest column)

Dano writes "...the argument I was overhearing was about whether "Meet the Spartans" or "Scary Movie" was THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME." (more)

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Archives

Cranky skewers 'em all! No movies are safe -- not Casablanca, not Star Wars, not Bride of Chucky! Browse from A to Z, or by bomb rating, in the full Cranky archives!

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Mr. Cranky's News Blog

Your entertainment news blog for
Thursday, May 8, 2008

Uma Thurman Blows Giraffe!
Star spars with French company over use of image

NEW YORK - Uma Thurman and French cosmetic company Lancome are fighting over the use of Thurman's image in an advertising campaign after her contract with the company lapsed. Thurman is demanding $1 million for the unauthorized use while Lancome has countersued. The images featuring Thurman have appeared on Canadian billboards and on Asian web sites.

Thurman's lawyer, Bertram Fields, is particularly upset with Lancome's campaign in Canada.

"The campaign they are running in Canada features Uma giving oral sex to a giraffe. I really have no idea how that sells face cream."

Lancome spokesperson Irunn Fromwar responded, "There are very few people in Canada. Even fewer of them drive. We discovered that unless you use a very provocative image on a billboard, nobody pays attention. We did study after study that discovered that Canadians are very fond of giraffes."

Although the advertisements on the Asian web sites might be considered equally offensive, as they feature a CGI image of a naked Thurman, her exposed posterior, and a game involving ping pong balls in which the user who gets the most ping pong balls in a cup wins a free tube of lip balm, Fields appeared to have no problem with it.

"Asia is a great market for us, so we're open to different kinds of promotions. Canada is a different story. Until the Canadians start buying product, we're not going to indulge them. I think the entire country bought one case of face cream last year. My mother-in-law uses that in a week.

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Cranky Classic

Reprints of the reviews from the book posted at random times

She's All That

"It's like emotional farting. You can actually see the fumes from this thing cascading off the screen like some computer-generated space anomaly overtaking the Enterprise as the audience sort of buckles from the impact." (more)

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