Dynamite Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

MovieCommentssort iconBlurbCreated
The Sweetest Thing0

I can't think of anything more painful than watching "The Sweetest Thing," which signals the end of Cameron Diaz's sanity, if not her career.

04/12/2002 - 21:52
THX 11381

I would really like to know what's up George Lucas's ass.

03/11/1971 - 02:48

This damn thing might as well have starred Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne for all the nudity it had in it.

03/30/2001 - 01:32
Tommy and Pamela Lee's Sex Tape0

Where's Marlin Perkins when you need him?

08/27/2000 - 01:30
Transporter 20

Final score: Filmmakers 37. Physics 0.

09/02/2005 - 01:00
Transporter 31

I considered sharpening my soda straw to a fine point and performing some simple brain surgery through my nasal cavity.

12/05/2008 - 14:55

Take the scripts from every Matrix-like film since "The Matrix," unbind them, toss them up in the air, and then pick up the pieces, and you'd likely have a plot very much like the one in "Ultraviolet."

03/03/2006 - 02:01
Universal Soldier0

Where is the group of heroin-addicted engineers who are designing all this faulty crap?

07/10/1992 - 19:27
Urban Legend: Final Cut0

Watching this film congratulate itself on being clever is sort of like watching a conceited, one-legged genius give a tap dancing lesson.

09/22/2000 - 18:59

If you gave a group of chimps a magnetic poetry set, they could come up with a better story in under five minutes.

02/02/2001 - 04:39
Walking Tall0

Watching "Walking Tall" is an experience akin to watching that guy who tied weather balloons to his lawn chair and ended up floating over LAX. You can't help but wonder how anybody ever thought it was a good idea.

04/02/2004 - 23:59
White Noise0

There's clever scary, thrilling scary, and "I have no idea what I'm doing so every few minutes I'll just jump in front of you and screech in your face" scary.

01/07/2005 - 20:42
Wicker Park0

You'll witness more stunning, improbable coincidences than in the War on Terror the month before the election.

09/03/2004 - 02:42

At one point during my viewing of "Willard," I considered whipping out my cell phone, calling Roto-Rooter and paying them to come to the theater and force those sharp, spinning blades of death into the end of my penis as though it were a clogged pipe, thereby masking the sick feeling I was having watching this disaster of a horror film and actually reducing my pain.

03/14/2003 - 02:28
Wrong Turn0

Enter a theater playing this film and you'll know exactly where your wrong turn occurred.

05/30/2003 - 22:57