Dynamite Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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Black and White0

James Toback is to independent cinema what Gilbert Gottfried is to comedy.

04/05/2000 - 16:21
Black Sheep0

Two minutes of this on Saturday Night Live is bad enough. An hour-and-a-half movie is some kind of hell.

02/02/1996 - 16:30
Bless the Child0

You know, when the Devil's spawn are susceptible to steak knife attacks, evil has a problem.

08/11/2000 - 19:30
Boat Trip0

There were actual lines in this movie that caused people across the audience to turn to each other and say "What?" in audible unison.

03/21/2003 - 20:26
Boogeyman0

I figured it was going to be a piece of crap, but it wasn't even entertaining in the same way "Alone in the Dark" was entertaining -- that sort of "so bad it's funny" way.

02/04/2005 - 20:33
Bulletproof Monk0

I'm not familiar with the "Bulletproof Monk" comic book that sparked this movie, but this is because I have known the soft caress of a woman and am thus excluded from the target demographic.

04/16/2003 - 23:28
Cabin Fever0

Hollywood only needs one David Lynch.

09/12/2003 - 15:45
Catch That Kid0

Short of filling popcorn bags with gerbil feces, I can't think of a way theaters could insult filmgoers more.

02/06/2004 - 17:49
Catwoman1

What kind of creative power was generated by the writers on this fiasco when they came up with this gem of a plot: "evil make-up threatens world"? Hell, why not have Catwoman battle an invasion of tampon creatures from outer space so we can completely eliminate the possibility of a female lead in a superhero film for the next 50 years?

07/23/2004 - 18:04
Celebrity0

The sick thing is that Kenneth Branagh, who plays a journalist named Lee Simon, doesn't just play Woody Allen -- he impersonates him right down to the stuttering and the nervous hand gesturing. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he slept with his own adopted stepdaughter just to nail the part.

11/20/1998 - 19:34
Chairman of the Board 0

In the battle against crap, it was an enemy blitzkrieg waged by the Testicle-Stomping Mutants from Hell.

03/13/1998 - 21:20
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 0

If the original "Charlie's Angels" had any legs nostalgically, director "McG" (that's right: no first name, no last name, just "McG") has amputated them.

06/27/2003 - 21:34
Clockstoppers0

Obviously, being trapped in his own "Star Trek" reality warp for ten years didn't lend (director Jonathan) Frakes much ability to communicate with audiences that aren't wearing Spock ears and talking back to the screen in Klingon.

03/29/2002 - 19:31
Collateral Damage0

This film's release was postponed from September until now. I've never heard of eternal postponement, but "Collateral Damage" should have been a candidate.

02/08/2002 - 19:46
Crossroads0

The most painful parts of this film actually do not involve Spears, but a cliché-ridden script and some acting by Dan Aykroyd that borders on the criminal.

02/15/2002 - 21:00
Dark Water0

The end result is like watching two reels of one movie only to be surprised when the third reel turns out to be another movie. It just all feels like a complete waste of time.

07/08/2005 - 14:17
Darkness0

Eventually we learn what we always learn in situations like these: Something really bad happened in the house and the family should leave. Of course, they don't leave and bad things happen.

12/25/2004 - 14:18
Darkness Falls0

Why is the only requirement for a horror film a body count? Script? Dialogue? Common sense? Does anybody think about any of these things while making a horror film?

01/24/2003 - 14:20
Date Movie0

The pure "Airplane"-style spoof is deader than Dick Cheney's shot at a marksmanship merit badge.

02/17/2006 - 14:21
Dear God0

If you pulled every cliché and stereotype out of this film, you'd have nothing more than two hours of darkness -- and dear God, what a refreshing two hours that would have been.

11/01/1996 - 14:43