Dynamite Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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I hope that my readers are now educated enough about bad movies that there's no need for me to go into any great detail about why this is simply the dumbest idea on the face of the Earth.

10/08/2004 - 02:44
The Alamo0

"The Alamo" is to historical epics what "The Black Hole" was to science fiction films. It screams "made for TV" louder than most game shows. I actually became disoriented when it wasn't interrupted every seven minutes by deodorant commercials.

04/09/2004 - 06:09
The Avengers1

Hey, Warner Brothers -- avenge this.

08/14/1998 - 15:33
The Bachelor0

Director Gary Sinyor should have his eyeballs melted so he can never look out of another camera again.

11/05/1999 - 21:09
The Crew1

In fact, "The Crew" is the hellspawn of every gangster film ever made.

08/25/2000 - 20:51
The Forsaken0

Director J.S. Cardone strings together logical sequences like an Alzheimer's patient strings together memories.

04/27/2001 - 16:15
The Fury0

It stars Amy Irving, Andrew Stevens and Kirk Douglas. If ever there were a case for jailing a casting director for crimes against humanity, this is it.

08/26/1996 - 16:59
The Girl Next Door 2

I don't know what kind of joke director Luke Greenfield thinks he's playing on the world, but if he's trying to stupefy us into submission by showcasing his total incompetence as a director, he may be well on his way to world domination.

03/27/2004 - 20:25
The Hills Have Eyes 0

For me, the scariest thing about being in that theater was watching the teenager in front of me who, after various genetic mutants took axes to the face or head, pumped his fist in some kind of kindred ritualistic triumph.

03/10/2006 - 20:04
The Honeymooners 0

The studio has already telegraphed that this movie is a piece of crap by giving it next to no advertising support.

06/10/2005 - 20:31
The House of the Dead0

Let's just put it this way: The person highest above-the-line in this film is none other than Clint Howard. Clint Howard! Ron's little brother. Balok from the original "Star Trek"! THE WORST ACTOR ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

10/10/2003 - 20:52
The Life of David Gale 0

Spacey frequently resembles that guy in acting class who forces the rest of the class to turn away in embarrassment as he tries desperately to emote.

02/21/2003 - 15:39
The Lion King0

Every day when I wake up in the morning and I see the sun shining so beautifully and so brightly in the sky, I begin singing to myself "Hakuna Matata" and I know that my day will go well and somehow I'll find a way to make the world a better place and I owe it all to this film.

09/02/2002 - 15:52
The Master of Disguise 0

If this is Dana Carvey's idea of a kid's movie, he should be arrested for child abuse.

08/02/2002 - 21:17
The Next Best Thing 0

Why not just stick a propeller up his ass and have him fly around the neighborhood belting out show tunes?

03/03/2000 - 00:36
The Pink Panther 0

It's the kind of movie where I had to remind myself that it was my job to go see this, to torture myself, and that perhaps in the process, I might save some lives.

02/10/2006 - 20:24
The Real Cancun 0

At a party, somebody asked me to expound on what "The Real Cancun" meant for the future of cinema. I don't know: Peniscam? Vaginacam?

04/25/2003 - 04:03
The Ringer0

Watching "The Ringer" is not unlike watching porn; after about five minutes one is both supremely bored and wondering whether to be ashamed or not.

12/23/2005 - 20:24
The Rules of Attraction 0

Paying money to sit through it is akin to letting Roger Avary throw up on your back.

10/11/2002 - 21:03
The Stupids1

The lone redeeming feature of "The Stupids" is that it contains details surreal enough to supplant the acute pain with morbid fascination.

08/30/1996 - 19:56