Four Bomb Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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Speed 2: Cruise Control0

Left with no other recourse after reducing the Annie character to a flailing rag doll, director Jan ("Twister") de Bont tries to save himself with a crashing sequence that takes -- I swear to God -- at least forty-five minutes.

06/13/1997 - 01:51
Spice World3

Three Words:

01/23/1997 - 01:48

Remember that a horse penis is two feet long, so that might make some of YOU (note the emphasis on the word "you") feel inadequate.

05/24/2002 - 01:44

Thank Christ, I have now truly lived.

02/07/2002 - 01:37
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams0

After watching "Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams" I had that same feeling I get after finding a breath mint on the floor of a public restroom.

08/07/2002 - 01:31
Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace2

As far as I'm concerned, "the Force" now refers to this film's marketing campaign and little else.

05/19/1999 - 21:51
Stealing Harvard0

Green's ability to drag a film into the toilet is stunning. Literally, the second he comes on screen, you can feel the life being sucked out of the theater.

09/13/2002 - 20:25

It's no secret that Shaquille O'Neal is to acting what Billy Bartyis to basketball. His thespian narcosis immobilizes the movie in a thick coat of dramatic tranquility.

08/15/1997 - 20:23
Stuck on You0

The end of this movie wanders off into the weeds and gets so lost its poster should be on the side of a milk carton.

12/12/2003 - 19:58

If director Richard Linklater really wanted to commit professional suicide, he should have attempted to turn "Slackers" into a Broadway musical, not inflicted another two hours of ineptitude on the movie-going public.

02/07/1996 - 19:52
Sugar and Spice0

If you're like me, "American Beauty" and "Bring it On" and "But I'm a Cheerleader" just haven't satisfied that need to see cheerleaders robbing banks, jumping out of airplanes and foiling international plots of evil.

01/26/2001 - 22:29
Sunset Park0

"Oh dear, I've got this absolutely wonderful idea about a small white woman who teaches inner-city Negroes how to play that game -- oh, posh, what's it called -- basketball!"

04/26/1996 - 22:22

This movie was designed for the truly sick out there in the audience, the ones who are totally cool with an uncomfortably pre-teen looking female protagonist sexually assaulting a short order cook and then having half her face blown off by the karmic revenge cycle that governs all gore movies.

05/14/2011 - 17:22

The movie is directed by Thomas Lee. As far as I know, there's no such person as Thomas Lee and this is just a pseudonym for Walter Hill, who apparently walked off the set when the producers began interfering with his movie.

01/14/2000 - 22:12

"Superstar" is Molly Shannon's turn to establish that watching an SNL skit for 90 minutes is only slightly less painful than watching Richard Simmons on crack, belting out Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes.

10/08/1999 - 22:11
Switchblade Sisters0

Next to pornos, it's just the kind of movie one would expect a video clerk to be watching at two in the morning as he realizes what a loser he is.

05/30/1995 - 21:41

Would a firm, round cantaloupe lie to you?

06/08/2001 - 21:40
Teaching Mrs. Tingle0

Incidentally, does anybody else think John Gray is an alien?

08/20/1999 - 02:39
Texas Rangers0

Watching (Ashton) Kutcher act is like witnessing the God of Bad Acting spite humanity.

11/30/2001 - 03:08
That Darn Cat1

I sat in the teeming day-care center that doubled as a theater for a full hour before I realized that D.C. stood not for "ditch the children," but for "darn cat." At that point, I was struck immobile with paralyzing horror at the realization of what my life had become.

02/14/1997 - 03:05