Four Bomb Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews
|Speed 2: Cruise Control||0|
Left with no other recourse after reducing the Annie character to a flailing rag doll, director Jan ("Twister") de Bont tries to save himself with a crashing sequence that takes -- I swear to God -- at least forty-five minutes.
|06/13/1997 - 01:51|
|01/23/1997 - 01:48|
Remember that a horse penis is two feet long, so that might make some of YOU (note the emphasis on the word "you") feel inadequate.
|05/24/2002 - 01:44|
Thank Christ, I have now truly lived.
|02/07/2002 - 01:37|
|Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams||0|
After watching "Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams" I had that same feeling I get after finding a breath mint on the floor of a public restroom.
|08/07/2002 - 01:31|
|Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace||2|
As far as I'm concerned, "the Force" now refers to this film's marketing campaign and little else.
|05/19/1999 - 21:51|
Green's ability to drag a film into the toilet is stunning. Literally, the second he comes on screen, you can feel the life being sucked out of the theater.
|09/13/2002 - 20:25|
It's no secret that Shaquille O'Neal is to acting what Billy Bartyis to basketball. His thespian narcosis immobilizes the movie in a thick coat of dramatic tranquility.
|08/15/1997 - 20:23|
|Stuck on You||0|
The end of this movie wanders off into the weeds and gets so lost its poster should be on the side of a milk carton.
|12/12/2003 - 19:58|
If director Richard Linklater really wanted to commit professional suicide, he should have attempted to turn "Slackers" into a Broadway musical, not inflicted another two hours of ineptitude on the movie-going public.
|02/07/1996 - 19:52|
|Sugar and Spice||0|
If you're like me, "American Beauty" and "Bring it On" and "But I'm a Cheerleader" just haven't satisfied that need to see cheerleaders robbing banks, jumping out of airplanes and foiling international plots of evil.
|01/26/2001 - 22:29|
"Oh dear, I've got this absolutely wonderful idea about a small white woman who teaches inner-city Negroes how to play that game -- oh, posh, what's it called -- basketball!"
|04/26/1996 - 22:22|
This movie was designed for the truly sick out there in the audience, the ones who are totally cool with an uncomfortably pre-teen looking female protagonist sexually assaulting a short order cook and then having half her face blown off by the karmic revenge cycle that governs all gore movies.
|05/14/2011 - 17:22|
The movie is directed by Thomas Lee. As far as I know, there's no such person as Thomas Lee and this is just a pseudonym for Walter Hill, who apparently walked off the set when the producers began interfering with his movie.
|01/14/2000 - 22:12|
"Superstar" is Molly Shannon's turn to establish that watching an SNL skit for 90 minutes is only slightly less painful than watching Richard Simmons on crack, belting out Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes.
|10/08/1999 - 22:11|
Next to pornos, it's just the kind of movie one would expect a video clerk to be watching at two in the morning as he realizes what a loser he is.
|05/30/1995 - 21:41|
Would a firm, round cantaloupe lie to you?
|06/08/2001 - 21:40|
|Teaching Mrs. Tingle||0|
Incidentally, does anybody else think John Gray is an alien?
|08/20/1999 - 02:39|
Watching (Ashton) Kutcher act is like witnessing the God of Bad Acting spite humanity.
|11/30/2001 - 03:08|
|That Darn Cat||1|
I sat in the teeming day-care center that doubled as a theater for a full hour before I realized that D.C. stood not for "ditch the children," but for "darn cat." At that point, I was struck immobile with paralyzing horror at the realization of what my life had become.
|02/14/1997 - 03:05|