Four Bomb Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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The Musketeer 0

The filmmakers concluded that the way to add new depth to this story was to add the sword-fighting special effects one would associate with "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." So basically, it's the same old characters except that now they fly around on wires while flailing their swords at each other.

09/07/2001 - 21:04
The Myth of Fingerprints 0

"The Myth of Fingerprints" is filled with the kind of dialogue that gives Promise Keepers the rare opportunity to laugh at somebody else with utter contempt.

09/17/1997 - 21:39
The Object of My Affection 0

If you were gay, I would think that, next to watching the Republican National Convention, this movie would be the height of insult.

09/10/2001 - 17:16
The Odd Couple II 0

Every time Walter Matthau would say something I didn't find remotely funny, the old people in the audience would laugh briefly, then cough violently.

04/10/1998 - 20:06
The Pacifier0

Some movies are so badly written that they make me want to cry. Other movies, like "The Pacifier," are written in such a way that I'd like to gouge out my tear ducts with a fork.

03/04/2005 - 18:50
The Pallbearer 0

Do you identify with Tom Thompson? Then you too are a L-O-S-E-R.

05/03/1996 - 18:59
The Pest0

This is really less a story and more an excuse for Leguizamo to show how ridiculous he can be.

02/07/1997 - 19:58
The Phantom0

Batman vs. The Phantom -- result: Batman takes a Jacuzzi while Robin kicks The Phantom's ass.

06/07/1996 - 20:01
The Phantom of the Opera 1

As I've been playing a lot of "Halo 2" lately, I actually had this daydream while Christine and Raoul were holding each other that I shot them both in the head with my rocket launcher. Double kill!

01/21/2005 - 20:05
The Powerpuff Girls Movie 0

This appears to be the first really frightening right-wing reactionary cartoon.

07/03/2002 - 21:42
The Princess Diaries 0

Remember that Garry Marshall also directed "Pretty Woman," in which a prostitute with a heart of gold finds true love. Essentially, this movie is "Teen Pretty Woman," since Mia is transformed from geeky outcast to beloved facial cream model.

08/03/2001 - 16:56
The Quest0

Since "The Quest" is the hundredth or so movie about a man traveling to a foreign land to fight in a martial arts tournament, you'll be spared the stress of not knowing how it's going to end.

04/26/1996 - 18:31
The Rage: Carrie 2 0

She proceeds to kill everybody in sight with flying kitsch.

03/12/1999 - 22:38
The Relic0

I was less shocked by the monster that provides the film's terror than I was when people managed to walk by Penelope (Ann Miller) without hanging their coats off the top of her head.

01/10/1997 - 04:27
The Rundown 0

I'm sure "'Midnight Run' meets 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'" sounded great being pitched by a trembling Hollywood sycophant, but the resulting movie, "The Rundown," plays like a collection of other movies' deleted scenes.

09/26/2003 - 21:32
The Sixth Man 0

There's something truly contemptible about making a bad film and then trying to shield yourself from ridicule and derision by infusing it with enough moralizing to choke the Pope.

03/28/1997 - 23:40
The Skulls 0

If all of this begins to sound like an episode of "Scooby Doo," it was.

03/31/2000 - 23:36
The Stepford Wives0

I really haven't seen a movie in recent memory that so carelessly reveals that not only was it obviously rewritten, but that the director and the writers didn't give a crap about an absolutely massive error right in the middle of the picture.

06/11/2004 - 20:21
The Substitute0

"The Substitute" is aptly titled. It feels just like the kind of movie you would expect a theater to show after the real film had stuck in the projector and burned to a crisp.

04/19/1996 - 19:55
The Thin Red Line0

Is this a war film or a Jimmy Buffett concert?

01/15/1998 - 02:48