Nuke Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

Moviesort iconCommentsBlurbCreated
Max Payne16

If I wrote 100 of the most tired and over-used movie cliches on a huge 10x10 grid, had a group of drunken monkeys throw feces at this grid for a few days, then made a screenplay based on nothing but the most shit-stained contrivances, the resulting film would have a 95% chance of being better and far more coherent than "Max Payne."

10/21/2008 - 13:06
Miss March1

Unfortunately, the digital revolution has made it cheap enough for any television producer with a million bucks lying around to shit out their own bowel-shaking masterpiece and distribute it to unsuspecting theatre chains across the country.

03/24/2009 - 19:49
My Boss's Daughter 0

This film has the appearance of a 22-minute sitcom that failed to get picked up, so the producers turned it into an 80-minute movie.

08/22/2003 - 21:13
National Lampoon's Gold Diggers 0

I realize that putting the "National Lampoon" brand on a movie these days basically implies cinematic sodomy, but it still boggles the mind that somebody somewhere on Earth thought somebody else would find this funny.

09/09/2003 - 20:15
Rollerball0

Watching the XFL wasn't this bad.

02/08/2002 - 20:43
Shining Through 0

Ed, taste my strudel.

09/10/1995 - 21:37
Skyline0

Let's get this right out in the open: "Skyline" is a sci-fi movie that was filmed entirely within the confines of the directing team's condo building. That, my friends, is the epitome of lazy filmmaking – when you CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO MAKE YOUR MOVIE. 

12/05/2010 - 09:44
Somewhere1

"Somewhere" gives the impression of a student film that was discovered locked away in Coppola's hope chest, the indulgent mistake reel of a self-interested cinemaphile for whom every empty look holds all of the import of a thousand words never said.

02/01/2011 - 05:37
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li4

Street Fighter used to be about the fighting. Apparently, now it’s about giving B grade TV stars their very own leading roles.

03/09/2009 - 03:51
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 20

You just don't wake up one morning and say to yourself, "Hey, I'm going to put Scott Baio and Jon Voight in a film together!" That kind of evil takes years and years of planning.

08/27/2004 - 22:17
The Adventures of Pluto Nash0No wonder my screening was so sparsely attended.08/16/2002 - 14:05
The Hangover 21

"The Hangover 2" is a fill-in-the-blanks photocopy of "The Hangover," with all major plot points intact and only the window dressing changed so that the suckers in the theatre seats don't feel too stupid about having shelled out $20 for a ticket, popcorn and a half-gallon of questionable cola.

05/31/2011 - 21:19
The Ring 2 0

Put "The Ring 2" on a tape with "Blair Witch 2" and there's some video that could actually kill somebody.

03/18/2005 - 20:19
The Thing11

Mr. Cranky hates remakes, but Mr. Cranky hates it even more when cult films get recast as big-budget flicks that strip any vestige of what might have been cool out of the original and then set it on fire in front of you so you can watch your childhood memories burn alongside the $15 you paid to get into the theatre.

10/29/2011 - 05:49
The Unborn5

Hollywood has been unable to consistently deliver scary movies that are worth watching.

01/12/2009 - 21:57
Tru Loved8

Following in the footsteps of the greatest film critic known to man, Roger Ebert, who wrote his initial review of this movie based on only the first eight minutes (after which, he walked out), I have decided to review the movie "Tru Loved" after having not watched it at all.

10/28/2008 - 15:02
Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj0

I basically sat in my theater seat in complete horror through the entire thing.

12/01/2006 - 04:31
Zoom0

"Zoom" is one of the most startling combinations of incompetence and minimal effort in cinematic history.

08/11/2006 - 01:59