Nuke Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows 2

An episode of the Teletubbies has more scares than "Blair Witch 2."

10/27/2000 - 16:45
Captain America0

“Captain America” is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

09/21/2011 - 01:43
Christmas with the Kranks 0

Watching "Christmas with the Kranks" is like watching a dead body being devoured by maggots. It's not like the corpse can just get up two-thirds of the way through and decide that it wants to live.

11/24/2004 - 22:18
Conan the Barbarian0

This trail-blazing filmmaker who brought us such original remakes as "Friday the 13th" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" set his sights on destroying what was already a pretty shitty series of 80’s films originally helmed by right-wing maniac John Milius – and he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

08/23/2011 - 21:37
Cowboys & Aliens3

Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who MADE the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

08/23/2011 - 21:45
Die Another Day0

I don't even know where to begin.

11/22/2002 - 16:13
District 98

“District 9” represents precisely what is wrong with all the torture-porn and pointless SFX garbage that gets shoveled at horror and sci-fi fans these days.

08/27/2009 - 17:32
Easier Said0

"You know, at least it's inspired. Who would have thought to make 'Romeo and Juliet' with chimps?"

08/23/1999 - 02:13

"Elizabethtown" is among the worst films I've ever seen. I walked out of the film missing part of my soul.

10/14/2005 - 23:09
First Daughter0

You know that impending terrorist attack they've been warning us about? I think this movie may be it.

09/24/2004 - 14:49
Grown Ups4

Think of every teen comedy involving summer hijinks you have ever seen and then age the cast 25 years, remove every single joke in the script and add a running gag about a four year old who is still breastfeeding – in public.

07/02/2010 - 07:19
Hall Pass0

Feces fans will be delighted to know that the film also contains a scene where a woman also evacuates her bowels rather violently against the wall of a hotel room bathroom.

03/21/2011 - 06:37
Horrible Bosses0

No justice here in "Horrible Bosses," however. Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every "I hate my boss" plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones. 

08/01/2011 - 02:01
I Am Sam20

Had I the opportunity, I would have fitted the entire Chinese army with steel soccer cleats and let them march over my unfurled penis if it meant that I could have left the theater even one second earlier than the end of this horrific, manipulative, shameless piece of universal cosmic dung.

11/25/2002 - 02:29
In Time1

Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

11/15/2011 - 17:35

Nolan, however, thought he had a better way to approach a movie about dreaming: make it really, really boring. In fact, make it so boring that the audience is unable to tell if it is asleep or awake.

07/24/2010 - 18:20
Just Go With It0

Sometimes when a movie is as bad as "Just Go With It," I like to extrapolate what might have happened to the characters had I elected to remain inside the theatre for the duration and endure the type of brain injuries typically reserved for the opponents of Mike Tyson who weren't smart enough to stay down after the second round. 

02/23/2011 - 09:53
Kangaroo Jack 0

This is the kind of movie that, once it's over, you leave the theater with your jacket over your head.

01/17/2003 - 20:23
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life 0

An open letter to Sherry Lansing, CEO, Paramount Pictures:

07/25/2003 - 02:02
Maid in Manhattan 0

What I thought was going to be five or ten minutes of pre-movie hype turned into 50 excruciating minutes of the most shameless boot-licking sycophantism I've ever seen.

12/13/2002 - 03:03