Two Bomb Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews
In the spirit of the rerelease, rather than do anything approximating work (such as writing an entirely new review) I am going to "enhance" my brilliant original review of "E.T" in the space below.
|08/23/2000 - 02:02|
|Earthlings: Ugly Bags of Mostly Water||0|
Here are a few of the things more nerdy than dedicating your life to studying the Klingon language.
|08/23/2005 - 02:07|
Though billed as a comedy, this movie was difficult for me to watch, because it features Ed Asner as Santa and I suffer from a unique phobia called eabhaphobia: the fear of ever laying eyes on Ed Asner's bare hairy ass.
|11/07/2003 - 22:58|
Liz is the "virgin queen" like Michael Bolton is the "king of funk."
|11/22/1998 - 23:01|
"Ella Enchanted" is a poor man's "The Princess Bride." Not only that, but it's actually a pretty sick movie if you look at its basic premise.
|04/09/2004 - 23:11|
Everyone who watches films knows that no bad guy with a machine gun can hit anything. One wonders why they just haven't reverted to throwing rocks or taunting.
|02/26/2003 - 23:58|
Did I not already see this film a little over a year ago, when it was called "A Civil Action" and starred John Travolta instead of Julia Roberts?
|03/17/2000 - 00:08|
|Escape from New York||7|
If an average person meets Kurt Russell in a dark alley in the middle of the night, he thinks to himself, "I bet I could beat this guy to death with a piece of string cheese."
|08/24/1997 - 19:27|
|Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind||0|
What makes this film close to unwatchable is the chaotic direction of (Michel) Gondry, who apparently feels that he has to add a certain level of wackiness to Charlie ("Adaptation") Kaufman's script, which is sort of like pouring a couple teaspoons of sugar in your Coke for added flavor.
|03/14/2004 - 19:33|
It's just disturbing to be forced to watch some two-bit, teenage actor trying desperately to prove that he's the next David Spade. Is this what comedy acting has come to?
|02/20/2004 - 19:35|
Drew Barrymore as a modern Cinderella? I was waiting for that scene where Drew jumped on Prince Henry's desk, pulled her shirt over her head, and invited the young prince to do a few lines of blow off her bare breasts.
|07/31/1998 - 19:49|
|Everyone Says I Love You||0|
What could possibly be worse than yet another Woody Allen angst-fest? Try a Woody Allen angst-fest musical.
|01/03/1997 - 19:56|
Naturally, when members of the aristocracy want to get their rocks off, it's the peasants who really get screwed.
|08/24/2000 - 20:08|
My guess is that the villains here may be librarians.
|04/23/1999 - 20:17|
|Eyes Wide Shut||0|
What we end up with is a two-and-a-half hour expedition into Tom's head. Two-and-a-half hours! For God's sake, that should be a two-and-a-half minute trip max, with an intermission for popcorn.
|07/16/1999 - 20:41|
As with any John Woo film, this plot is advanced with subtle narrative techniques such as flying bullets, large explosions and mountains of dead cops.
|06/27/1997 - 20:33|
I ask in all seriousness: where the fuck are their balls?
|06/25/2004 - 20:37|
The story is "Touched By an Angel" for the deranged.
|01/16/1998 - 20:45|
|Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within||0|
But all I could picture was... Steve Buscemi.
|07/11/2001 - 14:35|
"Finding Neverland" is about as predictable as an "um" from Britney Spears during an interview.
|11/24/2004 - 14:39|