Two Bomb Mr. Cranky Movie Reviews

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E.T. (Rerelease) 0

In the spirit of the rerelease, rather than do anything approximating work (such as writing an entirely new review) I am going to "enhance" my brilliant original review of "E.T" in the space below.

08/23/2000 - 02:02
Earthlings: Ugly Bags of Mostly Water 0

Here are a few of the things more nerdy than dedicating your life to studying the Klingon language.

08/23/2005 - 02:07
Elf0

Though billed as a comedy, this movie was difficult for me to watch, because it features Ed Asner as Santa and I suffer from a unique phobia called eabhaphobia: the fear of ever laying eyes on Ed Asner's bare hairy ass.

11/07/2003 - 22:58
Elizabeth10

Liz is the "virgin queen" like Michael Bolton is the "king of funk."

11/22/1998 - 23:01
Ella Enchanted0

"Ella Enchanted" is a poor man's "The Princess Bride." Not only that, but it's actually a pretty sick movie if you look at its basic premise.

04/09/2004 - 23:11
Equilibrium 0

Everyone who watches films knows that no bad guy with a machine gun can hit anything. One wonders why they just haven't reverted to throwing rocks or taunting.

02/26/2003 - 23:58
Erin Brockovich 2

Did I not already see this film a little over a year ago, when it was called "A Civil Action" and starred John Travolta instead of Julia Roberts?

03/17/2000 - 00:08
Escape from New York 7

If an average person meets Kurt Russell in a dark alley in the middle of the night, he thinks to himself, "I bet I could beat this guy to death with a piece of string cheese."

08/24/1997 - 19:27
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 0

What makes this film close to unwatchable is the chaotic direction of (Michel) Gondry, who apparently feels that he has to add a certain level of wackiness to Charlie ("Adaptation") Kaufman's script, which is sort of like pouring a couple teaspoons of sugar in your Coke for added flavor.

03/14/2004 - 19:33
Eurotrip0

It's just disturbing to be forced to watch some two-bit, teenage actor trying desperately to prove that he's the next David Spade. Is this what comedy acting has come to?

02/20/2004 - 19:35
Ever After0

Drew Barrymore as a modern Cinderella? I was waiting for that scene where Drew jumped on Prince Henry's desk, pulled her shirt over her head, and invited the young prince to do a few lines of blow off her bare breasts.

07/31/1998 - 19:49
Everyone Says I Love You 0

What could possibly be worse than yet another Woody Allen angst-fest? Try a Woody Allen angst-fest musical.

01/03/1997 - 19:56
Excalibur 1

Naturally, when members of the aristocracy want to get their rocks off, it's the peasants who really get screwed.

08/24/2000 - 20:08
eXistenZ 0

My guess is that the villains here may be librarians.

04/23/1999 - 20:17
Eyes Wide Shut0

What we end up with is a two-and-a-half hour expedition into Tom's head. Two-and-a-half hours! For God's sake, that should be a two-and-a-half minute trip max, with an intermission for popcorn.

07/16/1999 - 20:41
Face/Off0

As with any John Woo film, this plot is advanced with subtle narrative techniques such as flying bullets, large explosions and mountains of dead cops.

06/27/1997 - 20:33
Fahrenheit 9/11 8

I ask in all seriousness: where the fuck are their balls?

06/25/2004 - 20:37
Fallen0

The story is "Touched By an Angel" for the deranged.

01/16/1998 - 20:45
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 0

But all I could picture was... Steve Buscemi.

07/11/2001 - 14:35
Finding Neverland0

"Finding Neverland" is about as predictable as an "um" from Britney Spears during an interview.

11/24/2004 - 14:39