Babies Suck

I was in the supermarket when I ran into one of my co-workers and her husband. The husband had recently learned that my wife and I had just had our first child. “Isn’t it wonderful?” he asked, though I should say it wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement. He wasn’t really asking me anything other than to confirm his clouded memory of what it was to be a parent of a child whose age is counted in days.

Needless to say, I picked up a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi and threw it at him. He ducked and it hit his wife in the face, knocking her cold.

“Fuck you,” I said, as he attended to his unconscious wife. I really didn’t care that I had injured his wife instead of him since they were joined at the hip as far as I was concerned and if he had the gall to say something as spiteful as “Isn’t it wonderful?” and she was standing within earshot and didn’t slap him across the face after he said it then she deserved whatever he deserved.

Fact of the matter, and what no parent ever tells another prospective parent, is that if a baby were a mechanical object, it would be in pieces all over your floor because you had thrown it into the wall and stomped on it. But because a baby is not a mechanical object, the new mother or father just stands there at the top of the stairs, baby in arms, thinking about launching the thing down the stairs and what the ramifications of such an act might really be. Could one hide such a thing? While I have no sympathy for child abusers, when you become a parent you suddenly peer into the face of evil because you realize how easy it would be to snap. Stupid insane people should not have children, but they do every day.

Now, there are two issues here: the first is the notion that there are some things that parents will not tell other parents and there’s the issue of being a person whose thoughts would drift toward hurting an innocent baby. First, I think there’s something in our genes that prevents us from telling other people what having a kid is really like because if we did, they would never do it and the human race would die out. There’s also the issue of every parent wanting to be a great parent and great parents don’t normally consider killing their babies, so telling another parent that you’ve thought about tossing your child under a bus so that you could just get a few extra hours of sleep definitely eliminates you from contention for “Parent of the Year” and everybody, especially during that first month, is vying for “Parent of the Year” status. Ultimately, you just can’t tell somebody who doesn’t have a baby in the house what it’s actually like because they have these preconceived notions of bliss that have been hammered into their brains by movies and diaper commercials. So, we just tell each other how wonderful everything is but what we’re really thinking is “Fuck you, asshole. You’ll find out and when you do, I will laugh and laugh because you’ll be stuck at home with no friends and no life and I won’t call you either, motherfucker.”

I’ve found my vocabulary is now dominated by three words: breast, boob, and poop. It doesn’t matter where I am. I can be at work and I’m still using those words because everybody wants to talk about the baby and when you talk about a baby, there’s nothing to talk about except for eating and pooping. You don’t talk about peeing because urine isn’t interesting, but poop has all sorts of different characteristics that can spur conversation. Is it green, dark green, or greenish-yellow? What’s the consistency? Does he poop so hard that the feces blows out of his shorts? I’ve also found myself talking about breasts and vaginas in front of my female co-workers who are, surprisingly, more than happy to discuss the topic and tell you what size their breasts were when they nursed. Inappropriate workplace conversation topics go right out the window when babies factor into the mix. Where you would do everything to avoid brushing up against a female co-worker, suddenly you’re talking about their vagina or your wife’s vagina and nobody seems to mind.

And here’s another thing I know: every woman who’s ever breastfed and is reading this is wishing she could drive a stake through my forehead because I’m a man and no matter what hardship I might think I’m going through in relation to raising my child, it’s absolutely nothing compared to what she’s going through. Given the burdens of motherhood, it’s nothing short of a miracle that more women haven’t walked into Babies R’ Us with automatic weapons and slaughtered everything and everyone in there. Tools walk into post offices all the time with much less reason and do precisely that, but they’re men and they’re pain threshold is low. We never hear of a woman doing the same thing because they have a much higher pain/inconvenience threshold and that’s proven by the fact that they are willing to breastfeed. But here I am, a man, and I’m whining about fatherhood, which is like the backup quarterback of an NFL team whining that he’s got too much to do.

And then, I’m doing something and suddenly my five-week-old son smiles at me for the first time and everything I’ve gone through is meaningless.

Okay, wait. More bullshit clichés, but hey, if that’s what you want to believe, be my guest.


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Coaster's picture


Be nice or I'll send this blog entry to your child when it becomes a teenager.  "It" must be a girl, as if it were a boy, you would have been peed on by now, and that would have been interesting. 

Another part of the fun that we males miss out on is the pregnancy/birth horror stories that females love sharing with new moms to be.  Stories of "I was in labor for 98 hours without any sort of pain killer" abound.  


Well said

gamerarocks's picture

Although my personal hatred springs from innumerable pictures of said 'baby' stuffed in the face (whether it's your baby or someone elses) and the statement phrased as a question "Isn't s/he cute/adorable?"  NO.  I've yet to see a cute newborn, most look as though all the parts aren't in the right place just yet anyway.  And maybe, MAYBE 1 out of 10 that could remotely qualify as cute later in childhood.  S/he is more than likely to resemble an idiot; drooling, unfocused eyes, pudgy red cheeks, and a hairstyle from Gordon Ramsey (sparse and unappealing).  Babies aren't cute, and the babies of buffoons less so.  How many cute people do you see walking in a homeless shelter?  The ratio is roughly the same as baby photos.

Impeach Jim Gibbons!

Now is the perfect time

Coaster's picture

For you to review It's Alive.

Awwwww.  Cute little baby.   With crab-like claws. 

See the '74 original.   I know the remake was released in 2008, but one can't improve upon perfection.  There were two sequels, 1978's It Lives Again ("This time, there are three of them!") and 1987's It's Alive III: Island of the Alive starring Michael Moriarity (The babies are all grown up!).

You won't be able to resist these, once you see the trailers

Every man who's thinking of fatherhood

Rajah's picture

should watch Eraserhead first

I think I'll pass on the father biz

There's enough ugliness in this world

So finally we have proof that Mr. Cranky is not gay!

Hairhead's picture

Okay, I'm an asshole, but on this board, who isn't? I mean, what with the number of ass-ball-cock penetrating, punching, crushing, stabbing, burning, and removing comments that Mr. Cranky has made in hundreds of reviews, coupled with the lack of comments about his personal life, some people thought he was, you know (not that there's anything wrong with that!).

As to babies, well I read of a pediatrician who encouraged the parents of his patients to express their feelings of exhaustion and frustration to him. He said that any parent who hadn't occasionally contemplated fixing their problems with a pillow wasn't really healthy (denial not being a healthy state). He also recommended short vacations for overstressed parents.

As for me, well, we almost lost our child four times during the pregnancy, and he still popped out at 12 weeks early, 2 lbs and some ounces. And then 7 more weeks in hospital before he was finally released to come home, much to our intense releif.

Hey, I have a suggestion here. How about people post their stories of two incidents: 1) the first time your ravaged brain seriously considered asphyxiating your little bundle of joy, and 2) the first time you really, totally disintegrated into love-mush.

My stories: 1) Two months after my son came home, I was standing over his crib at 3:30am, my exhausted wife weeping in the bed behind me, my own knees shaking with fatigue, and I realized that this little squib of thing, 5 pounds of squalling, insensate matter, had reduced two mature, thinking adults to utter zombiehood. And when I contemplated another twenty years of this, my reptile brain suggested that a pillow would be a good solution . . . 

2) Okay, I'm in the car with the babe while Mom is in the store buying baby crap. The baby seat is beside me, and my son turns his face up towards me, moving his lips softly. The eyes flutter as he moves in and out of sleep. The sun shines through the window, lighting the flawless skin of his face with a lambent glow. The radio is on. A DJ cues up a song, and Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" commences playing. He looks up at me, eyes shining, face blissfully trusting, there is no more air in the car, just a crushing, immolating, ego-dissolving, soundless thrum of love. By the first chorus I've lost it entirely, tears are running down my face and my son is now smiling up at me.

Geez, tearing up right now!

Good luck, Cranky!



Thanks for writing this.

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for writing this. It's rare to find anyone who will admit to negative feelings. Perhaps some parents genuinely do NOT experience them, but I'm pretty sure there are at least some out there who do but won't say so. I also believe these feelings are linked to things such as recovery time (the mother's), health (the baby's), and level of support (for mother and for father) -- but even so they still need to be talked about.


Wulfgar's picture

How is Felix these days?

~No, my young padawan; this one is mine.~



Hairhead's picture

Felix will be ten in two months! AAAhh!

And he is his own unique person. He has a number of learning disabilities arising from poor neuromuscular integration, which we are having treated with a customized program of body/brain exercises. He has managed to disguise this so far through a basically photographic memory.

So far, I have been in the presence of no less than three doctors/educators with decades of experience who have declared, "I have NEVER had a child do this (memorization) in front of me!"

It's all to the good, and his other problems are manageable and fixable. And he is rioutously healthy, and we, that is, he and I have a great relationship. Far better than I ever had with either of my parents, or my siblings, for that matter.


TMundo's picture

what sort of neuromuscular prob is it?  Can it be corrected with neuromuscular therapy?

Is it true? Has the C Man had a sprout?

TMundo_McHeimschins_S._Preston_Esq.,_III's picture

Look, certain aspects of fatherhood are tough, but I can't say I've thought of doing harm to my daughter. I do get frustrated with her. I've given her a spanking when she doesn't listen, but that's about it.

If you want to get rid of it with style

FearlessFreep's picture

You can do like the Greek god Kronos (Saturn) and swallow it whole. (Kronos had killed his father Uranus by putting a sickle to his most sensitive spot, and was afraid that one of his kids would do the same to him.)

Ancient myths are full of infanticide and kinky stuff.


Newborns --

tongue's picture

are basically just a digestive tract with audio.

Pretty close -- but you left out the part of spitting up (or maybe that's a subset of eating) and crying.

People have short memories, or there would never be second children. And I warn young couples all the time about parenthood -- especially about the sleep deprivation (if the baby sleeps, it's time for you to sleep -- don't fall prey to that "just a couple things I can get done while he/she's sleeping).

I don't know that I ever felt homocidal to my newborn -- later, maybe, when it seemed like he should have know better. It may also depend on your relationship with the mother -- I didn't get angry with the newborn, I got angry with the mother -- the whole, let's breed up a baby was her idea to begin with. But -- to be honest -- I never expect to feel what I felt when he was born and that first pathetic cry -- and, to be fair to the mother, she was so doped up she didn't really have that experience (and she wanted a girl anyway).

My grandfather was born premature

Rajah's picture

He was just 3 1/2 pounds at birth and this was back in 1887. Now you can't say birth isn't a miracle.

Baby Homocide

Scumby's picture

"I don't know that I ever felt homocidal"


I should hope that you never felt like gay sex-murder with a baby.  Unless you're in South Africa and believe that that kind of thing can cure you of AIDS.

I am a female and had my

Anonymous's picture

I am a female and had my tubes tied at age 21, Always hated babies, always will. It blows my mind that Cranky had one. Weird

I've been premature a few times, but usually

RidingFool's picture

familiarity will cure that over time.

Just wait until you can make friends with them

Anonymous's picture

So cool.

Just started reading my 4 year old daughter the orginal grim's fairy tales. Not the edited palp, the good stuff where they clamp red-hot shoes on the wicked queens feet and make her dance herself to death.

Good stuff for kids IMHO, I ain't for dumbing down the world and springing it on them later.

Needless to say, 2 pages in she got bored and drew some bunnies. Well, I'll keep trying.

Those were some grim tails

TMoonunit's picture

Some of those people got offed in weird ways.

I remember the evil stepmother who got rolled down a hill...

FearlessFreep's picture

...inside a barrel lined with spikes!

I also remember "The Willful Child," about a little girl who was so disobedient she dropped dead, and they were about to bury her but her arm kept sliding out of the coffin, and finally her mother beat her hand with a stick, and that made it go back in.

I like that in the original version of "The Frog Prince," the princess finally transformed Froggy not through redeeming love but by splatting him against a wall!

I'll be a free man

Decaf's picture

and stay childless 


 Formerly Known as MasterKlives


Ah, zombie

daz's picture

Ah, zombie parents...

nothing like a baby to turn a woman from an interesting person to someone who never shuts up about her baby, and how she can't sleep because of the baby, and how she can't see a movie because of the baby, and how the baby did the cutest [insert boring action here] yesterday, or...

Enough about the baby, can we get the human back?

Speaking of sucking, I wonder if I could get some of that?

RidingFool's picture

Heeeeeeeeeeey RF, Valentine Trouble?

TMundo's picture

Maybe your problem stems from the workplace, hmmmm?

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