Babylon A.D.- A Very Drew Review

***WARNING*** Spoilers!

This was easily the most confusing movie I have ever seen, including the time I tried to watch Pan's Labyrinth without English subtitles.

Think of the storyline of any really bad Japanese Anime, and then add Vin Diesel and that fighting chick from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

That's what Babylon AD is like.

I would try to outline the plot here, but I can't say exactly what it was about. I can tell you that it was set in a sort of post-apocalyptic version of Earth, with Vin Diesel playing a rough n tough rogue bounty hunter who plays by his own rules. (Whoa, big surprise!)

He is hired to bring some girl to America by an unsavory sort of character who, obviously, will at some point betray everyone. And of course, Vin Diesel winds up getting the hots for said girl, who turns out to be pregnant.

I don't know how she got pregnant, but here's the kicker: she gives birth to twins- each of polar opposite ethnic race.

How does a woman have twins in which one twin is black and one is white? And apparently Vin Diesel can impregnate a woman just by looking at her.

They spend the entire movie running from the bad guys and then the movie just suddenly ends- without any further explanation.

The sad thing is, when I went to see this I really had to pee. But I didn't want to go use the bathroom in fear that I would miss the "key scene" in which I would finally "get" the entire movie. Sadly, no scene exists in this film.


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The movie pee syndrome

TMundo's picture

man, that's the worst, I remember when I saw Die Hard 2 in theaters. Just the fact alone that I remember the experience should tell you how bad I had to go. When the film was finally over I went, and the strange thing was, when it felt like i should be done peeing, it kept comming out like some unseen force was still pumping extra hidden urine.

Yeah....

michael3b's picture

...it's like pee seeped outta you bladder and filled up your body cavity. Man, that's a rush to go so long that you're tired of standing.

You think that's bad...

Xur's picture

in high school we had this test called the PSAT. It's a 2 or 3 hour long test and the scores are used to award the National Merit Scholarships. Like everyone in my grade, I went to the cafeteria and sat down to take the test. Like some sort of demon conservation law, just as the proctor was winding down his instructions and leaving us to the mercies of the test, my bladder was winding up its protestations. Of course. Murphy, you suck.

Now, the way these tests work is that you are not allowed to leave until you are finished. They are multiple choice, and this was back in the pencil and paper days, so if you weren't sure about an answer, you could leave it blank and return to it at the end, trying to work out the answer until time runs out. Also of note is that all questions have equal worth in regards to the final score. With a test like that, there are bound to be some questions that don't have one apparent correct answer, so skipping the tough ones to answer all the easy ones first is a good strategy. Of course, this presumes there are no time dependent distractions such as a cranky bladder...

Needless to say, my performance was somewhat rushed. I finished all the questions and still left earlier than almost anyone else... but I still blame my bladder for being only a semi-finalist for the scholarship. Damn you bladder!

However, five minutes after I left that test... well, I don't know if I've ever felt such sweet release. Better than sex.

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