Dear California

Fuck off.  While you're at it, fuck off.  When you're done with that, fuck off.  Once you've finished that, fuck off.  Then to top it off, fuck off.  In case you missed it California, fuck off. 

Why do I feel this way?  Well, first and foremost, Cailfornia is full of Californians.  What are Californians?  A collective group of self-absorbed, arrogant, rude, disrespectful douchebags who, can't even come close to begin to figure out how state governments operate; hand drivers licenses out to anyone who shows up during working hours to a DMV; import palm trees to a region where they aren't native and that can't support them; build housing (lots of housing) in areas where wildfires are prevelant (let's not forget the mudslides either) then act stunned and exploited when those wildfires break out; and lead the nation in dumbass lawsuits.

There are lots (and when I say lots I'm understating the point on a cosmic scale) of additional reasons, but that should give you a few clues.  Even in this state-full of blithering fucktards, two individuals have leapt to the forefront:  Janine Sugawara and Harold Hewell.  Why these two?  Let's start with Ms Sugawara.

Ms Sugawara decided it was a constructive use of state legal (and financial) resources to sue Quaker Oats.  Why?  Because for four godawful years she was deceived into buying Crunch Berries believing them to be real fruit.  Adjectives fail this level of stupidity.  Even while the box clearly states ON THE FRONT not just the side nutritional panel that there's only oats and corn inside, because it said 'berries' she expected fruit.  The federal judge in the case (yes it got to that level) threw the case out.  The OBVIOUS transplant to California who still manages to have 3 functioning braincells to rub together must have seen the writing on the wall with this one.  Let this moronic lawsuit proceed and Pandora's Box is open to Californians.  How so?  Here's a few examples:  Ford gets sued for selling Mustangs that aren't equines; MLB gets sued for not fielding Gabriel, Azrael, and Raphael in Anaheim; Sid Meyer gets sued for not bringing actual Civilization to California; Time-Life gets sued for publishing a book entitled The Forest that doesn't have a single tree let alone an actual forest inside its can add your own from here.  Ms Sugawara, fuck off.

Mr Hewell, don't worry I haven't forgotten you, YOU get a double fuck off.  Because not only were you the lawyer who took up Ms Sugawara's case, but you also tried (unsuccessfully) to sue Kellogg's for a different client on the pretense that Fruit Loops didn't contain fruit.  Your the kind of lawyer who needs the directions on a can of soup (Open can, pour contents into pot, heat, serve).  Something tells me you'll be the head of some cushy partnership before long if you aren't already, so keep up the outstanding work, you'll make the board of the ABA before you're done I have NO doubt.  Until then Mr Hewell, fuck off twice.

Here's hoping that both of you vote, that you both vote against any kind of water desalinization projects, and that when Lake Mead can no longer provide the power Ms Sugawara needs to not read a box; and when the afore mentioned lake can no longer water the golf course Mr Hewell frequents, you reunite and sue the almighty for not making enough snow in Utah and western Colorado.  Fuck off you two.

p.s.  Fuck off California, land of losers and lawyers.


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Aww, did you get fired by

Anonymous's picture

Aww, did you get fired by the state :(

That would require

gamerarocks's picture

me to live there, and that would never happen.  Try again Captain Anonymous. 

Impeach Jim Gibbons!


Your My Hero..

Anonymous's picture

I love this guy.. I don't think I could have put it better myself.. but I think the first 2 lines describe the whole bullshit thing so well.. :)

I can not believe that you

Anonymous's picture

I can not believe that you actually said that. That was funny.


Foo's picture

Two I know tried to fly off to a foreign country without passports. Thanks be to the gods for not allowing them to get on the airplane and for not letting them infest this poor, small, foreign island in the real sun with their stupidity.

Raghuv Evison's picture
This comment has been buried by the community and has therefore been hidden.

This makes me...

Anonymous's picture

So Happy! Glad it was said...

Seriously, how do folks like this wake up in the morning, actually look in the mirror and feel remotely good about themselves?


Dear California part 2

Gameras Girl's picture

Well probably many more than two, but two for me.  It may be headed by a lawfirm from Alabama (insert quip here), but the horrific Taco Bell lawsuit is being filed on behalf of, yes, you guessed it, a Califuckingfornian.  Taco Bell meat isn't 100% beef?  It's less than 50% beef?  O fucking no!  Call out the National Guard!  Poor dumbass discovered their Taco Bell diet isn't as nutritious as they'd hoped?  Get the fuck over yourself you Californian POS, go to the gym, discover what sweat is, and you won't be so fucking fat.  Maybe the teabaggers, errrr, tea party can fix this.  Hmmmm, Taco Bell, part of a bigger corporation.  Involvement would cost taxpayer dollars and offend a potential donor now that Citizens v FEC went through. O but wait, laywers and lawsuits.  Most of us teabaggers, errrr, tea partiers are lawyers(just like the rest of Congress).  Let's see what the public thinks first.  Yeah right.  Just more drivel from a nation full of drivel.  Like I said, all of you are a lawsuit waiting to happen.  And that last bit goes beyond the borders of Califuckingfornia.

Gamera fucking ROCKS

But promise me one thing....Promise me you WON'T be gentle !!!! 


Excuse me, but

RidingFool's picture

where's the beef?

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