Everything That's Wrong With America I Learned at Starbucks

I waited in two exceptionally long lines this weekend and in the process discovered, or maybe that's rediscovered, everything that's wrong with America.

The first line I was waited in could have been for anything: concert tickets, football tickets - whatever. As it happened, it was a line for a very limited edition CD and it was several thousand people long. Since I had some time before the line began moving, I walked over for some coffee - Starbucks was the nearest thing - and found myself in another line. However, it was this line that got my blood boiling.

Starbucks drives home one simple message: choice is a bad thing. All I wanted, standing in this line, was for a simple cup of coffee. I just wanted coffee. How long does it take to pour a cup of coffee? Three seconds? Yet, I stood in that line for twenty minutes. Why? Because every froo-froo motherfucker in front of me had to order some ungodly concoction of coffee, syrup, foam, water, ice, chocolate, coconut and whatever other addititive one could think of that makes coffee not coffee.

Fuck you all. If you have ever been in a Starbucks and ordered a "half caf, half decaf, double expresso Florentine macchiato with a dash of cinnamon", I hope you die slipping as you get out of the shower, decapitating yourself on the upside-down towel bar that you should have thought to install correctly. Learn to drink fucking coffee. It's simple. It's cheap. It's a lot lower in calories than that piece of shit, thigh-bulging drink you're chugging down. I mean, no wonder this country has an obesity problem. We're standing around waiting in line for 800 calorie drinks.

And more than just the simple problem of calorie consumption is the sheer rudeness involved in the complete self-indulgence of ordering a drink that takes a college graduate fifteen minutes to put together and requires repeating out loud four or five times. We live in a country that runs profoundly by this principle: "I want what I want. I want it now. And fuck anyone who might be inconvenienced by it." Jesus, when did this happen?

The solution to this problem, of course, is that Starbucks needs two lines. I would put signs up for "Assholes" and "Non-Assholes" but they can use "Coffee" and "All you Other Shitbirds" if that suits them.

What does a guy have to do to get a cup of coffee in this country?


95 Comments

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5

theres a certain irony in

Decaf's picture

theres a certain irony in this

Mr. Cranky wrote:

We live in a country that runs profoundly by this principle: "I want what I want. I want it now. And fuck anyone who might be inconvenienced by it." Jesus, when did this happen?

Mr. Cranky wrote:

  I just wanted coffee. How long does it take to pour a cup of coffee? Three seconds?

 ______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

I don't drink coffee

FearlessFreep's picture

Or tea.

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Two Facts

Coaster's picture

1.  Cost of a Vente Vanilla Latte at Starbucks is $3.85 which is two bucks more than a large Vanilla Iced Coffee at McDonalds.  The McCoffee tastes delicious (Yeah, nothing like a straight coffee, you java snobs) and you can get it in a sugar free without a hassle. 

B.  Biscotti is an Italian word for stale cookie and vente is Italian for screw me.

I'm sorry, but a couples of

Wesley's picture

I'm sorry, but a couples of your "facts" happen to be incorrect: "venti", not "vente", is Italian for 20, cup named so because it is a 20 ounce cup, and a venti vanilla latte and a large vanilla iced coffee are completely different drinks. Latte's are made with steamed milk and expresso. Starbucks: by a human, McDonalds: by a machine. It would be better to compare both regular iced coffees:

McDonalds Large(17oz.) Iced Coffee: 1.79 (10.5 cents an ounce)
Starbucks Venti(24oz.) Iced Coffee: 2.60 (10.8 cents an ounce)
LOOK AT THE DIVIDED COMPARISON!!! you're paying almost the same per ounce!!!

There is an 81 cent difference there. I could find that in a parking lot, a sofa, my car. So price really isn't the biggest issue here. With the Starbucks choice you are getting 7 more ounces, 150 fewer calories, about 4 times the amount of flavor options, you can add your own milk and sugar so you know you're getting what you pay for rather then having someone add it for you, and Starbucks Iced Coffee is brewed double-strength to compensate for the melting ice so you can enjoy a consistent taste for the entire drink

and who would purchase their coffee from the same place you get greasy, dollar burgers? I'd rather get a drink from people who are very well trained at making and describing different coffees, know exactly where the coffee is grown, know that this coffee is ethically traded, know that Starbucks gives back to communities and International organizations such as Ethos and the recent addition Product(Red) which give proceeds to provide water to under-developed countries and AIDs research/relief, respectively. Honestly, if you're really pinching for coffee, just make your own at home or simply go to the Starbucks two blocks down the street

McD's

Lu's picture

I love mcdonald's coffee. Especially when it's free.

You haven't considered all the factors

Coaster's picture

Wesley wrote:

Blah blah blah ... blah blah blah ... McDonalds Large(17oz.) Iced Coffee: 1.79 (10.5 cents an ounce) Starbucks Venti(24oz.) Iced Coffee: 2.60 (10.8 cents an ounce)

While your analysis was quite comprehensive, you left out one factor: I like the McDonalds sugar-free iced vanilla coffees.  It's one of the best tasting diet drinks out there.  Starbucks sugar free-drinks don't taste nearly as good.

Did a marketing exec from Strbks google the site?

TMundo's picture

Wha?  Wouldn't suprise me.

You seem to know a lot

Anonymous's picture

You seem to know a lot in your analysis, unfortunately you should learn that it's not "EXPRESSO", but "ESPRESSO". How can anyone take you seriously if you can't even spell the product correctly !!!!!

Go back to Guinea-town, you

Anonymous's picture

Go back to Guinea-town, you WOP douchebag. Expresso/espresso, who gives a shit, go fuck yourself.

Oh look, we have a bigot in our midst

RidingFool's picture

Finally! Some comic relief.

Its an anonymous sock puppet

gamerarocks's picture

(yawn)

wooooow if only you had a

Ronald Derringer's picture

wooooow if only you had a life.

I don't care about Starbucks

Qbert's picture

The fact that you know that much about Starbucks and it's products, means that you are a lame-ass douchebag.

I hope you get hit by a truck. You stink.

People are scum.

Montana's picture

Thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Cranky.   I could not agree with you more.

Coaster, McDonalds Hazelnut Iced Coffee is even tastier, I believe, but the rest of the food on their menu has "hideous" written all over the place.

I will admit, however, that I'll eat their French Fries if dipped in their Hot Fudge Sundae, but otherwise, not a chance in hell.

Dear Montana, are you pregnant?

TMundo's picture

only kidding, I usted to dip 'em in the milk shake as a kid, never tried the sause though.

no way

Decaf's picture

Montana wrote:

I will admit, however, that I'll eat their French Fries if dipped in their Hot Fudge Sundae, but otherwise, not a chance in hell.

no way, mayo is clearly the superior french fry dip (I'm serious on this one, and so are the Dutch) 

______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

Mr. Klives I must agree, but also...

TMundo's picture

the addition of catsup/ketchup to the mayonaisse is a delight.  You gotta try it.

McDonalds has a crispy chicken wrap I order with honey mustard sause on it that isn't bad, bt I try an avoid the place as I know health is an issue with their food.

I'll give it a try. they

Decaf's picture

I'll give it a try. they sometimes put that on burgers and its not bad 

 ______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

In Japan they have beer vending machines

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

In the USA we have some pretty fancy coffee/latte vending machines.  In this "Bowling Alone" country (which I am definitely a part of), the machines will soon be dispensing everything.

{;-) Dan in Miami

 

Someone needs a nap

Kara's picture

1. Starbucks is not expensive compared to other specialty cafes. In fact, Starbucks is on the lower end of the price scale.
2. It takes no more than a minute to make one of those "specialty drinks."
3. Starbucks feels that each drink should be made to the customer's exact liking. Not everyone has the same taste buds.
4. The reason you waited in line was because people in front of you were ordering coffees and teas (as opposed to lattes and mochas.) The register person is responsible for putting coffee and teas together and rebrewing every 30 minutes (so you, sir, can have the perfect cup of coffee.) The register person simply calls out the drink to the baristas when it is something besides a tea or coffee which takes less time than putting a coffee or tea together.

Thanks.

"Perfect" cup of coffee?

Coaster's picture

Kara wrote:

...so you, sir, can have the perfect cup of coffee.

So how come McDonalds coffee beat Starbucks in a Consumer Reports taste test?  See Survey Results Here.  Was McDonalds coffee more perfect?  BTW, except for the coffees and the occasional McRib or biscuit and gravy, McDonalds blows. 

And welcome to Crankyland. 

 

 

Isn't the market great,

jazzdrive3's picture

Isn't the market great, where a company like McDonald's, which had no pretensions to it's coffee product 2-3 years ago, can now succesfully compete and make everyone better off?

More choice is a good thing.

Although one of these days I expect coffee to be so regulated (you know, because its a health issue) that competition will be virtually eliminated.

Why don't you fucking go to

Emily's picture

Why don't you fucking go to McDonald's then?

What about Dunkin Donuts?

Wulfgar's picture

Best fucking coffee in the Multiverse, bitches.        ~I'm going to Hell and I just don't care.~

 

WHO WANTS TO DRINK SWILL

Anonymous's picture

WHO WANTS TO DRINK SWILL WITH COPS

The summary of this post: I

Mr Cranky = Crybaby's picture

The summary of this post:

I had to wait in line for a cup of coffee, poor me. Because I like a plain drip coffee, everyone else who likes something different is selfish and stupid. Doesn't Starbucks know I need instant gratification?

Maybe next time, you should announce that unless you get moved to the head of the line, you will start screaming or maybe hold your breath until you pass out.

Get over it.

Shane's picture

I'm tired of people getting all pissed off about what kind of coffee people like to drink. I drink fucking black coffee, but if you want a Mocha Latte, more power to you. Why the fuck do people care what others want to drink? Here's a news flash, some people don't like regular coffee. Also, some of those people that don't like plain coffee, like Carmel Macchiatos. So folks, get your caffeine fix however you want and not liking regular coffee does not make you an asshole.

Over 500 Guests

jazzdrive3's picture

Could this be a reaction to this blog post?  Excellent!

680. and there are some

Decaf's picture

680. and there are some crazy comments on this blog 

 ______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

 815. holy

Decaf's picture

 815. holy crap!

______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

Master Blaster, is that Barbera Bush kicking baby George?

Rajah's picture

Would explain alot

It's that SOUTH PARK game

FearlessFreep's picture

"Kick the baby!"

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

no, the baby get's replaced with a dummy at the last second...

TMundo's picture

...the first time I saw it I was a little upset.  I did some research only to find that there is actually a series of baby kicking episodes staring the grandma and baby.  However a quick stop-frame will verify it's only a dummy that gets kicked, some neat trick photography put to a twisted use.

Serves you right for going

Anonymous's picture

Serves you right for going to Starbucks and expecting coffee.

I know,

Decaf's picture

I know, seriously 

 ______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

 are we missing the point?

Decaf's picture

 are we missing the point? seems to me like Mr. C is making fun of himself 

______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

I think you're right.  The

jazzdrive3's picture

I think you're right.  The whole article just reaks with too much self-contradiction not to be one big joke.

Why complain about other stranger's choices when you can just step out of line at anytime and go somewhere else or not get coffee?  Because Mr. Cranky doesn't roll that way, that's why.

Just like he continues to sumbit himself over and over again to bad movies.

Satire draws attention to a subject....

TMundo's picture

...and I could go on and on for hours about coffee.

I also have witnessed this

Jimi's picture

I also have witnessed this nonsense at Starbucks. Some douche wanted some ice in his coffee, but not too much. Then verbally assaulted the barista for not knowing just how he wanted his coffee, saying that it should be common knowledge, like in Seattle what "some ice" means. This guy was a f*cking prick. I love America, just not all americans!

Friends don't let friends

Anonymous's picture

Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks.
Support local shops.

Fuck Starbucks.

The article is brilliant. I love all the reactions.
Nicely done Mr. C.

If you want drip coffee, you can get it anywhere without a wait

SDAMOT's picture

So you go to a place that specializes in complex drinks and has a whole system around it. Their primary business is espresso drinks which, by default, take a bit longer to make. And this makes you angry.

Almost every gas station, fast food restaurant and mini-mart has drip coffee waiting for the person who can't wait.

Perhaps you'd be less cranky if you didn't seek cranky making situations.

I only buy fru fru drinks at

Anonymous's picture

I only buy fru fru drinks at Starbucks. If I wanted drip coffee, I would make it myself at home. I can't make a latte, so I buy them when I want them. You sound like a whiny little bitch.

hmmm

Critico's picture

isn't a latte just coffee with milk?

RF, did she "wash your dishes"?

Rajah's picture

*wink*wink*nudge*nudge*

Barely. Espresso is roasted

feesh's picture

Barely. Espresso is roasted til it's nearly burnt and highly concentrated to kick your ass. The milk tames it. Drip coffee with milk is not espresso with milk.

I put cocoa mix in my coffee

Rajah's picture

CHOCOLATE!!!!

<drools>

it also keeps me regular just like Jamie Lee Curtis!

I only go to Starbucks when I'm at the airport

Then it's mocha mocha mocha

<starts drooling again>

Go to Canada you crank-pot,

Anonymous's picture

Go to Canada you crank-pot, we do coffee better.

Tim Horton's right?

jazzdrive3's picture

Tim Horton's right?

Hilarious. And you are

Anonymous's picture

Hilarious. And you are soooo correct!!! But I am one of those folks that stands in line to get my Venti Mocha extra shot no whip. For me that one mocha a day before work is worth it. But again, I am also one of those ones that stands there and rolls my eyes and gets irritated because somebody before me is asking for a "coffee" that has to be so specially made that you think it will take an hour. You sound just like my husband... "what the hell, how the fuck does a damn cup of coffee cost an arm and a leg and take more then five minutes to get!!" - ok so if there is a line he is waiting on mine not his... LOL... Keep up being cranky. You made my day. Now off to Starbucks and then work...!!!

Welll

Kyle Irwin's picture

I drink my coffee black, too.
However, if someone else wants to drink coffee in some differing variation, I'm not an asshole about it. If you really needed plain coffee, you could have made it at home. This:
1) avoids supporting a franchise that hardly regards free-trade coffee beans
2) allows you to drink good coffee (from beans that are not double roasted into shit)
and 3) help cut waste by using a reusable thermos.

but just because someone wants to drink a more involved drink doesn't mean they are not entitled to going to starbucks and getting one.

one wouldn't condemn another for getting a mixed drink when there is beer on tap.

p.s.
I didn't look at other comments so I'm sorry if I'm beating a dead horse.

I go to a college with a Tim

Dan's picture

I go to a college with a Tim Horton's on campus (in the US, no less), and even though it doesn't have the fancy selection of coffees that Starbucks does, people push it as far as they can, and we get some good long lines. Even though I have to wait in line behind all the people getting their fancy almost coffee drinks, I still get the satisfaction of getting mine before the three or four people who were in line in front of me and are waiting for their concoctions to be made. Once I get to the register, I get to hold a hot cup of black coffee in my hands within seconds, and that makes it all better.
I still prefer the coffee shop in my home town, though. They make better coffee than almost anywhere I've been, even cheaper than the gas stations, and they do espresso and related drinks too. I avoid Starbucks as much as possible.

I miss Tim Horton's bowties

FearlessFreep's picture

They were these big, gooey oblong quasi-doughnuts full of sweet cream.  Maybe the government banned it to reduce heart attacks.

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Who started a coffee thread at a movie site?

RidingFool's picture

Doesn't anyone here realize that we have no time for such frivolities?

Let's find a coffee site

FearlessFreep's picture

And start a movie thread there!

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

real coffee

Anonymous's picture

Come to Brazil dude, only two main types: cafezinho (a small espresso shot in a thimble size cup, drunk frequently and available everywhere) and the old reliable cafe com leite (a simple coffee with milk)delivered in an instant. lolololol
from an Aussie in paradise

I go to Brazil on a regular basis, here's my 2 cents...

TMundo's picture

Brazil has not yet begun to capitalize on the 'selling larger amounts of a thing' concept.  It's like going to McDonalds and realizing that the small size, is now a large, the medium is an extra large, and large is now an un-necessary super-size .  Not allowing for there to be a small, is where the extra money is made.

I brazil, sizes like these are unheard of, in overmarketed america, it's quite common, the more you sell, the more money you make.

Brazil is more fashion centered, looks are everything, for women that is, so trying to market stuff at that size wouldn't make much sence, culturally, yet.  It will change, but not that fast.

For now, I'm content with a cafezinho ever two minutes or whenever I enter into someones house and get force-fed 'launch' reguardless of whether or not I've already eaten.  I do like their coffee, but when I get back to america it's back to my 20oz 7-11 buzz, I usta drink 2 a day but I've cut it down to 1, heh.

WTF

Anonymous's picture

What kind of fagboy waits in a several-thousand long-line for a CD? That's what's wrong with America.

If you want a simple cup of

Anonymous's picture

If you want a simple cup of coffee, go to mcdonald's. Starbucks made their name selling their "non-coffee" items. If all they sold was coffee, you wouldnt even know who they are. Thus proving, you're the asswhole for judging everybody else for appreciating starbucks for what they are.

Starbucks is genious marketing, I'll give em that much

TMundo's picture

Or rather, over-capitalization of a simple cultural item such as coffee.  I agree with the stupid names and ridiculous flavors as well as prices.  It's too rich for my blood, but I'll give em credit for making it work as well as it does.  Personally, I get my 7-11 stuff, and if I must get creative, the blueberry creme is pretty good.  Just sugar and half & half, I like my coffee to taste like coffee ice-cream and I drink it for the buzz as it gives my day and job an upstart.  It makes it easier for me to plow into a new project at work.

On the downside, I'm addicted to it.

So, the important question:

michael3b's picture

What CD?

Dunkin Donuts?

rocksprites's picture

I worked at a Dunkin Donuts for a year and a half. There were times when people really pissed me off, but complicated orders were just something we had to deal with and get used to.

Starbucks has far more complicated drinks, but when you choose to work at any fast food place, you know what you're getting into. While it is annoying when people order a large iced coffee, half the ice, with 3 shots of blueberry, 1 shot of french vanilla, and two pumps of mocha syrup (and yes, people do order shit like that), as long as they aren't being assholes about it it's not a big deal.

I've learned not to be a douche bag by working in fastfood, but that doesn't mean I don't order my coffee the way I like it. I'm just very polite. If they screw up the order, you nicely repeat yourself. End of story.

People have a right to enjoy what they're PAYING for, even if it's a "half caf, half decaf, double expresso Florentine macchiato with a dash of cinnamon." I mean, that's like 5 bucks right there.

theres certainly a lot of

Decaf's picture

theres certainly a lot of passion over the coffee here. personally, with drip coffee, anything will do, but I don't go to starbucks for that.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that the Frappacino is excellent even if it doesn't actually resemble the coffee it is based on

______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

It is with great fondness that I recall a Dunkin' Donuts

RidingFool's picture

franchise in Florida in the '80s. She was a darling girl - well, woman, really - who at the time accommodated my needs in the grandest fashion. Consequently, any time someone mentions dunkin', I think of her.

I'll have a double decaffinated half-caff with a twist of lime!"

TMundo's picture

-- Steve Martin -- L.A. Story

Dunkin and the sev are my two favorite plaes for coffee.  As for Cappuccino, the stuff cant be beat, especially if the head is extra thick.  Pulling the coffee through a right thick head of cream is good cappuccino, but it's a pain to get the sugar in if it's served alongside, so I learned to make mine at home with a machine I got a good deal on.

I made the espresso and frothed the milk, which for some reason works better with skim milk.  I add the sugar to the esspresso part first, get my cups frothed to the top, and then dump te esspreso in.

It usta set things off at dinner parties.

 

I can't believe Starbucks has so many defenders

Critico's picture

they probably buy at Walmart too.

Maybe you should read "The

Anonymous's picture

Maybe you should read "The Undercover Economist". It has a very good chapter on product differentiation and exactly why Starbucks is selling essentially the same thing (coffee) in so many different guises... _so_ _you_ _spend_ _more_ _money_ God Bless America. Next time you're in the queue think on the reason behind your delay. It may help. Then again it may not in which case stay at home and make your own damn coffee :)

Insanity

Anonymous's picture

To each his own. I always order regular coffee no matter where I go. However, if I am at Starbucks and have to wait in line, I'm not going to have a hissy fit. The fact that someone could be so pissed off over having to wait in line that this someone would reference decapitation is the epitome of what I think is wrong with America.
1.You believe everyone should order regular coffee, thus you think your preference of regular coffee is superior. The world does not exist to cater to your personal preferences.
2.The main issue you have is waiting in line. Being in such a hurry that you can't spend a few extra minutes in line and wish a violent bloody death upon those in front of you is very American. It is also sure sign that you need anger management.

Hypocrite

Hypocrite's picture

Hypocrite. You are a hypocrite. You are a hypocrite because you wanted what you wanted and fuck what the people in front of you wanted. What you want is more important.

So, you have a fatal flaw in this view of America. You are the America you hate. Don't worry though. We are all hypocrites in some way. Why should you be any different.

I don't even know you but...

nickumoh's picture

OH GOD I WANT TO HIT YOU!

...what...what were talking about again?

Calm the fuck down. Real

Jesus's picture

Calm the fuck down. Real people have real problems. You're nothing more than a douchebag elitist whiner.

EEEEEEERRRRP-*W*R*O*N*G*!!!

Coaster's picture

anonymous wrote:

You're nothing more than a douchebag elitist whiner

The elitists are the ones ordering the foo-foo coffees, fucktard.

you must have gone to a

Anonymous's picture

you must have gone to a shitty starbucks, i frequent the one near my apartment, they have one person running the register and others making the drinks, along with someone getting orders before you get to the register. that way i get my black cup of coffee in less time than it would take from a dunkin donuts or a mcdonalds

This is a satirical website everyone

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

To all you newbies:  Welcome and please come again!  Mr. Cranky is not serious with his craptacular rants.  It's a joke.

{;-) Dan in Miami

thank you. this taking of

Decaf's picture

thank you. this taking of this article and stuff seriously is starting to hurt

 ______________________________________

 ~MasterK

                 

They called Jesus an elitist...

michael3b's picture

...or the lamb of god, or some ridiculous shit like that.  Or, maybe it was "Jim", I forget.

Well at least now we know what Gen-X and Gen-Y care about

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Caffeine in all it's glorious permutations.

{;-) Dan in Miami

I wonder with all these coffee houses springing up

Rajah's picture

Will the beatniks make a come back?

R.I.P. Maynard G. Krebs

 

Listen Dobie Gilles

Anonymous's picture

I sing a song for every girl, and every girl that hears the song I sing has to believe that I'm singing that song for her! So don't get jealous, it's part of my job. And I won't tell you with my psychic powers who's gonna win the election, I'd swim the election if I do that! No way! So see? A young guy like me can benefit from nick at night in that I can surprise you with info I've memorized about old shows.

Okay, try this

Rajah's picture

It's about time

It's about space

It's about two men in the strangest  place

 

That sounds like it might be

gamerarocks's picture

from that abysmal live-action cartoon he was in with the fat guy and the honking alien.

Another version of that theme

FearlessFreep's picture

Countless schoolkids sang:

It's about time, it's about space,

It's about time to smash your face!

Anyone remember this show?

FearlessFreep's picture

Soft and sweet, wise and wonderful
Oooh, our mystical, magical Nanny
Since the day that Nanny came to stay with us
Fantastic things keep happening
Is there really magic in the things she does?
Or is love the only magic thing that Nanny brings?
You know our Nanny showed us
You can make the impossible happen
Nanny told us
Have a little bit of faith and lots of love
Phoebe Figalilly is a silly name
And so many silly things keep happening
What is this magic thing about Nanny
Is it love....or is it magic?

 

Everybody's doin it

TMundo_McHeimschins's picture

everybody's doin' it doin' it doin' it
pickin their noes and chewin it chewin it

hot scab sandwich, puss on top
monkey vomit, camel snot

frogs leg with hippo mucus
and peanut butter on top!

My solution

nickumoh's picture

Stay the fuck away from Starbucks. No real coffee drinker goes there. Since I moved to Portland 2 1/2 years ago (well actually Vancouver, Wa. because I had no idea Portland was so awesome before I moved here from the east coast and once I got here I was accustomed to not getting taxed by the state of Wa...what...what were talking about again?) I've been to Starbucks like three times. I can't stand the people that buy coffee there and basically hate everything the company stands for. Its nothing more than an overpriced, 800 s.f. Wal-Mart with an industrial percolator. I'd rather fill up on a rusty can of air conditioner run-off, or open my mouth and tilt my head back in the pouring rain than wait in line at a Starbucks. Just the thought of standing in a line with a bunch of phony, pretentious, froo froo fuckers drives me insane. I could imagine being inundated by their mindless conversations about leaving their favorite scarf on the mountain after their latest ski trip or whatever bullshit religious or political belief that think is relevant just before they order some long winded caffeinated concoction fast enough to confuse an auctioneer at a county fair.

...what...what were talking about again?

The Couv!

gamerarocks's picture

I didn't think anyone would admit to living in the Couv!  Kudos to you, and btw I agree Portland is a great city to live in.

Mate why don't you just get

Coffee Snob's picture

Mate why don't you just get your coffee at a gas station. I don't give a shit if you just want a simple cup of coffee, Starbucks (can't believe I'm defending them) has a right to sell whatever the hell they want to, in whatever way they want to. It's not a publicly owned company, if it pisses you off so much, which you have the right to feel whatever way you want, simple answer...

...DON'T GO THERE!

Stop bitching about a stupid problem. Go get a real cause for your soap box.

Expresso? Go get a book.

Actually, it IS a publicly owned company

Coaster's picture

That is, you're free to buy stock in it and the majority of that stock is not in the hands of an individual, family, or specific business structured to control said stock.

Lay off the coffee for a bit, dude: You're not thinking straight.

Because I imagine that the

Anonymous's picture

Because I imagine that the closest coffee to the original store was that Starbucks, followed by the Starbucks across the street, the Starbucks around the corner, and then the Starbucks on the next block. Gas stations tend to be rare in downtown commercial districts and either don't sell coffee (because there's a Starbucks next door) or have a mini-Starbucks inside them.

Seriously?

Anonymous's picture

To you pleebs bitching at Mr. Cranky for ranting about Starfucks - take your tampons out of your purses, put them back in your twats, and stop getting butthurt because you fit the description of the people he's making fun of. I manage the produce department at a Safeway with a Starbucks inside, and I also work at the kiosk as a "barista" when they're shorthanded. Trust me - the smiling barristas giving you your java chips think you're a tool. I can actually spot the people who are Starbucks consumers before they even get to me. I've learned to seperate them from the regular shoppers. A forty-five year old woman wearing a pink Skin Inc. shirt and cut-off jeans trying to desperately cling to her youth - Starbucks customer. Wannabe yuppie who likes to think they know politics and philosophy, wearing slacks and a polo and trying to appear over-reserved - Starbucks customer. We hate your over-customized cups of coffee and we hate giving them to you. You look pretentious and, quite frankly, kind of like a sissy. And calling it a "quad" or a "black and white" makes you look like a self-important twat, not sophisticated and cool. Nice try, though lol.

But, more importantly (you tools), it's MR. CRANKY!!! It's supposed to be funny! Bitching and complaining about stuff like this is part of his schtick. How dumb are you people? Do you even read his reviews? If he wasn't crotchety, it wouldn't be entertaining. Lighten up and stop proving to the world that you really ARE stiff, pansy-assed little yuppies (it's bad enough you people dress that way lol). So pull out the stick, toughen up, and try laughing for once. And yes, the barristas think you're a douche and make fun of you when the line clears. Have a nice day. Oh, and... thank you! LOL

Christ people, it's a retail

its a bev.'s picture

Christ people, it's a retail item! Bitch about things that matter on our planet. Good people, spending good money on good products by way of choice. Let it go. Enjoy what you want in life and vent to your mom when you grow up!

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