Everything That's Wrong With America I Learned at Starbucks

I waited in two exceptionally long lines this weekend and in the process discovered, or maybe that's rediscovered, everything that's wrong with America.

The first line I was waited in could have been for anything: concert tickets, football tickets - whatever. As it happened, it was a line for a very limited edition CD and it was several thousand people long. Since I had some time before the line began moving, I walked over for some coffee - Starbucks was the nearest thing - and found myself in another line. However, it was this line that got my blood boiling.

Starbucks drives home one simple message: choice is a bad thing. All I wanted, standing in this line, was for a simple cup of coffee. I just wanted coffee. How long does it take to pour a cup of coffee? Three seconds? Yet, I stood in that line for twenty minutes. Why? Because every froo-froo motherfucker in front of me had to order some ungodly concoction of coffee, syrup, foam, water, ice, chocolate, coconut and whatever other addititive one could think of that makes coffee not coffee.

Fuck you all. If you have ever been in a Starbucks and ordered a "half caf, half decaf, double expresso Florentine macchiato with a dash of cinnamon", I hope you die slipping as you get out of the shower, decapitating yourself on the upside-down towel bar that you should have thought to install correctly. Learn to drink fucking coffee. It's simple. It's cheap. It's a lot lower in calories than that piece of shit, thigh-bulging drink you're chugging down. I mean, no wonder this country has an obesity problem. We're standing around waiting in line for 800 calorie drinks.

And more than just the simple problem of calorie consumption is the sheer rudeness involved in the complete self-indulgence of ordering a drink that takes a college graduate fifteen minutes to put together and requires repeating out loud four or five times. We live in a country that runs profoundly by this principle: "I want what I want. I want it now. And fuck anyone who might be inconvenienced by it." Jesus, when did this happen?

The solution to this problem, of course, is that Starbucks needs two lines. I would put signs up for "Assholes" and "Non-Assholes" but they can use "Coffee" and "All you Other Shitbirds" if that suits them.

What does a guy have to do to get a cup of coffee in this country?


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My mom doesn't drink coffee

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

She just wouldn't understand. 

Some people will never get satire.

{;-) Dan in Miami



My wife, of all people, struggles with humor

Coaster's picture

Our daughter said my wife was born without the humor gene.  She has suggested my wife be given a handicapped parking sticker only instead of a wheel chair, her sticker would have a comedy mask with a red circle and a line through it.  I took my wife to see Sarah Silverman in Jesus is Magic and she sat there through the whole movie giving me looks which asked, "What are all these people laughing at?"  

I love it when a new person comes to Cranky's and in their very first post, says something like "You obviously haven't seen this movie", not noting the significance of the movie review they're denigrating has bestowed upon their hallowed movie the rare and honored one-bomb rating.  It brings a smile to my face every time.  I do miss the old days, though, when we had everything in the movie forums, and we'd see noobie posts once in a while that said "Hey, don't you guys ever talk about movies?"

I seem to remember your wife laughing the last time I saw her

Rajah's picture

Oh yeah, you were driving at the time


Alternative solution you fucks

Anonymous's picture

And I'm the evolved version of Mr. Cranky.. Look, if you go to Starbucks for coffee, your an auto-douche bag for not buying a jar of instant coffee powder and making coffee at home. If you order the Expresso/ Espresso whatever the fuck..decaffe-latte your a full-blown douche bag. Back to my gripe. TWO Nestles' Coffee jars costs roughly 7 dollars at Costco for fuck sakes. This is not even the coco-bean form where you have to filter with the ass machine. It's instant coffee for the sake of humanity. Make your own coffee and stop depending on shitty franchises and their over-priced drinks you bunch of stinkin' yankee doodle, corporate boot-licking, myopic robotic consumers from liberal land.

YES!!!! I work at starbucks,

Anonymous's picture

YES!!!! I work at starbucks, and you just hit the nail on the head. I am a college graduate and have to listen to idiots order stupid shit all day to try to feel as though they have some control over their lives. Not to mention that they never have the decency to display even the smallest amount of manors. Every day I see the same rude people stand in line for hours, pay a crazy amount of money, and leave just a little bit less healthy. I love when they coach me through the whole process too... love that. "oh hey, does this have whip?" "you did make sure this was only 142 degrees ..yes?" "this dosent taste decaf, are you sure you did this rite?" "uhm, i saw you use 2 percent and i asked for nonfat" "Could you please fill this up to the top again? i just sipped out of it but feel like I should still leave with a full cup because im an IDIOT!" ok i have to go to my dead end starbucks job now. thank you... i loved this blog.

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