Everything That's Wrong With America I Learned at Starbucks
I waited in two exceptionally long lines this weekend and in the process discovered, or maybe that's rediscovered, everything that's wrong with America.
The first line I was waited in could have been for anything: concert tickets, football tickets - whatever. As it happened, it was a line for a very limited edition CD and it was several thousand people long. Since I had some time before the line began moving, I walked over for some coffee - Starbucks was the nearest thing - and found myself in another line. However, it was this line that got my blood boiling.
Starbucks drives home one simple message: choice is a bad thing. All I wanted, standing in this line, was for a simple cup of coffee. I just wanted coffee. How long does it take to pour a cup of coffee? Three seconds? Yet, I stood in that line for twenty minutes. Why? Because every froo-froo motherfucker in front of me had to order some ungodly concoction of coffee, syrup, foam, water, ice, chocolate, coconut and whatever other addititive one could think of that makes coffee not coffee.
Fuck you all. If you have ever been in a Starbucks and ordered a "half caf, half decaf, double expresso Florentine macchiato with a dash of cinnamon", I hope you die slipping as you get out of the shower, decapitating yourself on the upside-down towel bar that you should have thought to install correctly. Learn to drink fucking coffee. It's simple. It's cheap. It's a lot lower in calories than that piece of shit, thigh-bulging drink you're chugging down. I mean, no wonder this country has an obesity problem. We're standing around waiting in line for 800 calorie drinks.
And more than just the simple problem of calorie consumption is the sheer rudeness involved in the complete self-indulgence of ordering a drink that takes a college graduate fifteen minutes to put together and requires repeating out loud four or five times. We live in a country that runs profoundly by this principle: "I want what I want. I want it now. And fuck anyone who might be inconvenienced by it." Jesus, when did this happen?
The solution to this problem, of course, is that Starbucks needs two lines. I would put signs up for "Assholes" and "Non-Assholes" but they can use "Coffee" and "All you Other Shitbirds" if that suits them.
What does a guy have to do to get a cup of coffee in this country?