Handicapping American Idol

So what, I watch American Idol. I got addicted, so I thought I'd use it to my advantage.

This season has been interesting. I watch mainly to see Simon tear contestants their new assholes. It's actually kind of shocking to hear him be right so often. It's rare he says something that isn't spot on. Paula appears to be on new medication and has appeared as coherent as she is capable. Kara is a nice addition and her explanation of "artistry" has helped contestants understand what it is that separates say, a David Cook from a David Archuleta. And Randy, could you use the word "dude" more often?

If there's any justice, Lil will go home tonight, but I suspect Anoop will go.

So here's what I think:

Name: Anoop Desai
Odds of Winning: None

Although Anoop has proved he can sing, he's far too goofy and nerdy to ever win this thing and he's come further than anyone ever expected. Frankly, the only reason he's come this far is because nobody believes that somebody who looks like a Ph.D. Physics student ought to be able to sing at all.

Name: Lil Rounds
Odds of Winning: 100-1

Unless something drastic happens, Lil has no chance either. Is it just me, but is Lil singing in a competition that's inside her head? How can she continut, week after week, to do her lounge singer impression while other contestants are taking risks? That's precisely Lil's problem - she won't take a risk. Sure she can sing, but she's boring as shit.

Name: Matt Giraud
Odds of Winning: 50-1

Matt also has to do something drastic because he keeps pulling this wishy-washy crap trying to decide what kind of singer he wants to be and one week he seems like he's got it and the next week he's some kind of idiot singing a song he has no business singing. It's not that I don't like Matt, but I get pretty irritated when people are consistently stupid and Matt has been consistently stupid.

Name: Allison Iraheta
Odds of Winning: 20-1

Has she done any Heart yet? Why not? The thing that's going to get Allison is that she's so ridiculously talented and together for a 16-year-old that it's going to piss everyone off to the point that they'll start believing that she's like one of those Little League Cuban pitchers and she's really a dolled up 35-year-old professional who's reinvented herself.

Name: Kris Allen
Odds of Winning: 10-1

Kris has the same problem that Matt has except that Kris is enough better looking than Matt that Matt will get voted off first regardless of what they sing. Anyway, Kris has these moments, artistically, where he rivals Adam, but then he seems to forget what competition he's in and sings something assinine like "All She Wants to Do is Dance". I'm just betting he does at least one assinine thing here in the last few weeks to get himself kicked off, though clearly if he can keep singing songs and putting a Kris twist on them, he could surprise.

Name: Adam Lambert
Odds of Winning: 3-1

Adam is the best singer and the best performer and he's pretty much the only reason I watch the show. Basically, I watch every week to see what Adam is going to do with whatever song he's picked. In addition to having a ridiculous voice, Adam seems smarter than everyone else. I think he's decided to use the show as his own personal album audition and whether he wins or not is irrelevant. Unfortunately, I think Adam's gayness and his cross-dressing past will turn off America much like Rudy Giuliani and they'll pick Gokey over him.

Name: Danny Gokey
Odds of Winning: 2-1

Danny is likable and smart and he can sing and his wife died, so he's got pretty much everything going for him in terms of the voters. Do I think he should win? Of course not. If you took Danny's voice and stuck it in Matt's body, he'd have no chance. However, Danny basically embodies the idea of "American Idol", so if he can just stay the course and not let Adam blow him away, he'll get the votes.


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Allison sang Heart

Critico's picture

The first song she sang was a Heart song.

The key to winning on AMERICAN IDOL

FearlessFreep's picture

It's knowing how to work the audience.

 

Hrm

Scumby's picture

Btw, you can generally get the results ahead of time at http://www.dialidol.com

You may also enjoy http://www.votefortheworst.com

 "not let Adam blow him" ...tall order there.

Adam has a heavy-metal singer's voice like any of the interchangeable 80s hair bands. 

How has Allison managed to smoke 30 years' worth of cigarrettes in 16 years?

I'm pulling for 'noop-dog, so you'd have the most arrogant and condescending winner ever.

Shark Jumping

Jeff's picture

Its official, Mr Cranky has jumped the shark.

Jumped Shark

Mr_Cranky's picture

Ha! That's awesome. I thought we had jumped the shark five years ago.

Sincerely, Mr. C

The title of this article was misleading

nickumoh's picture

I thought Cranky was planning to beat Simon in the knee with a lead pipe.

Oh, and I don't watch American Dildo. Or much tv for that matter (only NBC Thursday night & Fox Sunday night)

...what...what were talking about again?

Handicapping American Idol is like...

michael3b's picture

Handicapping Corky from Life Goes On. 

Lame as shit.

eezy77's picture

And not a hint of irony.

Now please, file your toenails into a point and then invent a new game called 'How quickly can I kick both my eyes out'.

You know it makes sense.

Cranky's Idol Picks: Just How Badly Did He Blow It?

Coaster's picture

I hate reality shows. In fact, my wife and I hate them so much, that for the past six weeks, we’ve sworn off reality entirely. But it seems everywhere I go, especially work, I am besieged by Idolheads. So I revisited this Cranky column because I was curious to see how The Master of All Things Entertainment did.

Summary of Cranky Picks w/Odds
7. Anoop Desai - None
6. Lil Rounds - 100:1
5. Matt Giraud - 50:1
4. Allison Iraheta - 20:1
3. Kris Allen - 10:1
2. Adam Lambert - 3:1
1. Danny Gokey - 2:1

Actual Order of Elimination
7. Lil Rounds
6. Anoop Desai
5. Matt Giraud
4. Allison Iraheta
3. Danny Gokey
2. Adam Lambert
1. WINNER: Kris Allen (Probably ‘cause #2 is gay, and we all believe in Opposite Marriage)

 

It looks like Mr. Cranky pretty much nailed the first four losers, but as for the bottom 3.....

 

But who am I to criticize The Great One? He took a chance on handicapping American Idol, and I’ll do the same for 2009 Britain’s Got Talent.

Here’s how I think the top 8 are going to shake out:

Coaster’s Picks for Britain’s Got Talent 2009
8. Who cares?
7. Who cares?
6. Who cares?
5. Who cares?
3. Who the F*** cares?
2. Who cares?
1. WINNER: Susan Boyle.

Susan Boyle lost to a dance troop.

Coaster's picture

I present my self with the following for my fearless prediction:

What good is a record deal gonna do them?

Rajah's picture

It'd be like an album recorded by a bunch of mimes

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