My Star Trek Review

Spoiler: Star Trek sucks harder than the vacuum of space itself.

Before laying into this thing, I wish to be crystal clear regarding a very important film truism. To wit: making an action blockbuster space adventure without a climax is fucking stupid. And a film can have no climactic sequence if there is no plot from which to draw said climax. Period. No number of half-assed mini-events scattered along the way can atone for this fact. Also, unless there is a Delorean and/or the imminent banging of a character’s teenage mother by that character involved, time travel by its very definition destroys any hope of a coherent plot. No amount of syrupy nostalgia-cum-series-rebirth will atone for this fact. Ok, then.

Within the spectrum of sequels, prequels, and unequals the latest Star Trek abomination fits right in there between “Bring it On Again: No, I Already Brung It” and “The Klumps Take a Shit.” With Trek 2.0, JJ Abrams and company have dropped such a massive deuce on the franchise that the next one will no doubt be called Star Trek: Meet the Dung Beetles. Truly. What the fuck was that? Hell if I know, but here’s what little I was able to ascertain amid the epileptic-in-an-earthquake camerawork and sourceless tympani-ripping noise:

A bunch of Romulans use some atomic play-dough to break through the time-space continuum in a ship made by either the people from The Village or The Blair Witch. Spock (as in: Nimoy) is chasing them. The Romulans are pissed off at both him and The Federation he represents because Romulus has been destroyed on his watch. Now they want Spock, his home planet, and The Fed to suffer the same fate. Fair enough. But wouldn’t it have made some sense for them to use the de facto time machine to either prevent the disaster and/or to evacuate Romulus? Or to just go to the planet itself which now exists in the “new” timeframe created by this…fuck it. I repeat: time travel kills movies. Anyhow, instead of doing something sensible with themselves and their equipment the Roms sit there and wait 25 years for Spock to arrive a second after they went into the time-hole (relativity, don’t you know). They do this so as to go all Dr. Evil on his planet using a fire drill while he watches from Hoth, a fate he deserves in my opinion for becoming happy-go-lucky in his golden years. I digress… During this time the Roms don’t seem to age much, and Kirk’s dad valiantly drives a space cruiser into their hull while Kirk is being born. This Kirk-related non-event serves only to provide a Tom Skeritt-ish space captain a subject for his Starfleet Academy dissertation (“Space’s Greatest Car Crashes”?) and a means with which to prod the 21 year old Anakin Skywal…I mean, J.T. Kirk into Top Gun…uh, The Academy, just like dear ol’ dead dad.

Meantime, young Spock is unhappy at being in a place where being half human is considered a handicap. Yet, somehow his human mother serves on the Council of Elders...hmmm. Whatever- he leaves Vulcan in a huff. Ferris Bueller (Kirk) and Cameron (Spock) then set about their wacky, pre-determined, post-adolescent courses toward their ultimate destiny: committing genocide against the Romulans… Or was it meeting the rest of the impersonators of the crew of the Enterprise so that this franchise can get itself out of mothballs and start spewing its pungent fumes across the galaxy once again? I forget.

And who gives a shit?

The main problem with this film reads as follows: nothing fucking happens. There are senseless fights (why are there cadets in Iowa beating up townies when The Academy is in San Francisco?), foolish decisions (let’s insult Spock’s mom so he’ll quit being a rational captain so we can get Kirk at the helm to do something completely insane), and a lack of respect for the laws of physics (no, you cannot hit the deck of a drilling rig at near-terminal velocity and not splatter), astrophysics (you cannot bomb a singularity), and overall believability (insects do not live on ice planets) so egregious that if I ever put my disbelief into suspension deep enough to enjoy any of Star Trek I would have to leave it there indefinitely for fear that it would hunt me down and destroy me at a later date. Bottom line: Star Trek’s “plot” exists solely as a means to an end for its pointless special effects and its creators’ wallets. It stands as a testament to how little Hollywood thinks of its audience and to the death of intelligent big-budget filmmaking… if ever such a thing existed.

If you are considering paying to see Star Trek, do yourself a favor and boldly go elsewhere.

Dynamite Stick


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Coaster's picture

(Tears the communicator off of Michael3b's shirt and stomps i on the floor)

Star Trek, still 95% FRESH at rottentomatoes.  Still ONE bomb at Cranky's.   Still gonna see it again.  (Checks Klingon forehead half-mask for fit)

Trekkies are so hard up for something about Star Trek ...

Rajah's picture

they'll take anything and the young folk who don't remember the original don't give a shit as long as the cast is all young pretty people.

It would have made a better movie if Star Trek met Boston Legal. Captain Kirk aka Denny Crane would be back at the helm and James Spader would make an excellient Spock. Then maybe we would find out what planet "Hands" came from. They could have a practice near Orion where they could fuck all the green chicks they want then go out on the balcony of their ship and smoke cigars.

Thank the Maker. William Shatner is not in this.

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Bite your tongue Rajah.  He of the absurd overacting style would have been an anchor that no tractor beam could have budged.

The weight of his ego would have strained the impulse power engines leading to an explosion of the dylithium crystals.  His ridiculous long pauses while delivering his lines would have slowed the movie to the point where even going to warp 96 wouldn't have gotten the plot moving again. 

The Tribbles would have been troubled.  Ohura's relaxer would have relaxed to the point where her 'fro would have expanded to the size of a small moon orbiting Saturn.

This franchise has been taken over by a new batch of young (and very young) actors.  I say bravo!

{;-) Dan in Miami

Will Lara Flynn Boyle play one of the green chicks?

FearlessFreep's picture

Or one of the engine rods? (Ba-dump!)

Sorry, wrong David E. Kelly legal show.  But I just couldn't resist cracking that one-liner.


Star Trek isn't science fiction

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Michael3b said:

"Star Trek’s “plot” exists solely as a means to an end for its pointless special effects and its creators’ wallets."

Actually I would call them spectacular special effects.  Especially when viewed on a gargantuan Imax screen.  Also I found the casting to be spot on.  Seeing younger versions of favorite old characters was a kick for an old fart like me.

Star Trek never was about science.  It always was about space fantasy.  Go read some Isaac Asimov if you want real science fiction.

{;-) Dan in Miami



No excuse.

michael3b's picture

Star Trek has always had a deeper meaning to it. That was Roddenberry's point all along. The half-assed special "effects" used throughout never detracted from that meaning, whereas making the half-assed look "real" without adding the requisite "reality" to the plot tends to ruin things.  Like my boy Mamet say, "don't show the guy's hands while he's playing piano- people will judge."  At least the earlier Trek movies understood that (and had plots).

Some of the effects were awesome as simple eye candy. But the acting was lame mainly due to the vapid dialogue and the actual "action" was incomprehensible and served nothing but the desire to have action (why the hell would that ice beast throw away a much larger morsel to chase down Kirk?).  If a circus in space is what Abrams wanted, fine.  He should have made up his own characters and started a new franchise.

And you can't fire me, Captain Coastie.  I QUIT!  This thing sucked out loud. VERY loud. It offended me as a trekkie and a movie fan.

Edit: I grant that Ye Ol' Trek was not written by Shakespeare, but it also had heart and people with character involved. This is a puppet show filled with eye candy and stiffs (nice apple eating scene during the Kobyashi simulation!).

The only chemistry I saw

Rajah's picture

Was maybe between Kirk and McCoy. I couldn't see any between Kirk and Spock. That's what made the old show work. There was real chemistry between the characters. You could feel Nimoy rolling his eyes when Shatner was in one of his overacting fits.

The movie made it quite clear that Spock and Kirk

Coaster's picture

were in their pre-chemistry phase.  Spock Prime told Spock that he would develop a deep friendship with Kirk, and that he was not wanting to deprive him of that. 

Future Spock should have never met young Spock

Rajah's picture

Remember Marty McFly?

Terminator Salvation was soooo much better than Star Trek

nickumoh's picture

Gritty, compelling story. Much better plot. Better special effects. Better actors; not full of understudies from High School Muscial. Better all around. I'll probably see it twice (at least). Unless Megan Fox does a full nude scene in Transformers (with Megatron transformed as a pistol), there will be no better summer blockbuster this year than Terminator.

I can't believe McG (Charlie's Angles) directed that movie. His movie credit appears in the most egotistical, self centered, Messiah complexed fashion (back dropped in white light after someone died). It was the only time I winced in pain the entire movie.

The dude that played Checkov in Star Trek played Kyle Reese. Lucky bastard.

....what...what were talking about again?

Wow...I went to see T4 last

Drew_Atreides's picture

Wow...I went to see T4 last night...And i don't think it's possible for me to disagree with nickumoh anymore then i do...Probably creates a time paradox that sends Kyle Reese into the past to impregnate my mom :P

We will leave it at "Naw, Star Trek is better".. :P


Though Yelchin as Reese was pretty cool.


The cockpit.. what is it?

Eh... i have to admit i was

Drew_Atreides's picture

Eh... i have to admit i was surprised by just how much i loved the new "Star Trek"...

I think you have to look at it as an origin story.  The origin stories are always weak on actual plot/conflict...Eric Bana's Nero did make for an incredibly lame villain, but this movie wasn't about that.

It was about establishing our beloved crew in this new universe, and to that end i think it worked spectacularly... Really liked the emphasis on how Spock and Kirk are rebels in their own rights... You see the basis of how and why they  develop such a deep friendship down the road...

And Chris Pine as Kirk... How can you not love that performance?   As Kevin Smith said..... I would watch that guy have sex with my wife, he's THAT good...To embody Kirk without just doing a bad Shatner impersonation...That's incredible..


Karl Urban was surprisingly well-cast as McCoy, too... 

Simon Pegg made a likeable Scotty, and Zach Quinto definitely was born to play Spock..


I may actually try to sneak in to see this one a second time after i go see T4 tomorrow night...


The cockpit.. what is it?

Yeah, but you liked The Happening.

michael3b's picture

And I can never forgive that.

Kidding, drew.

I get that this is supposed to be the beginning of something, but they're not playing fairly with the audience by recycling the old folk in the process.  Abrams et al can't reasonably say "these are the beloved characters you have come to know over 40 years... only new!" and then expect people not to compare the two completely different sets of characters.  Not that they give a shit so long as the dough rolls in.  And I wouldn't be too sure the next one is going to be any better now that they've tricked us into thinking this is the same thing with a different trajectory. Just doesn't work that way with blockbusters.


The friendship thing was another issue with which I had issues.  Why the hell didn't Spock Une go aboard with Spock Deux? "Because your friendship is sooooo freakin important, Jimbo."  Weak.  Since the time-space continuum had already been used as a joyriding device to commit genocide, and since Spock Une had no problems giving away Scottie Deux's lifetime achievement in advance, why not this? Why play fast and loose with EVERYTHING and then leave this to chance?  Just seemd so very forced/arbitrary to me. And if there were any subtle rationale, it was completely shouted down by the rest of the nonsense going on.

Also, Kirk was way, way, WAY over the top. You can argue that Shatner was as well, but...really he was just being Shatner and that's what you either loved or hated about Trek. And you simply can't replace/reproduce that sort of thing with a fresh face IMO.  If it works for y'all, go with god...




Mmmmmmmmmmmm The Happening!

Rajah's picture



Were you even paying attention during the movie?

mew4ever23's picture

If you're going to give a shit review, get your facts straight.

First off, they survived that beacuse they used parachutes to get onto the drilling rig, and the redshirt who DID NOT deploy his chute DID SPLATTER.

Second, they weren't trying to blow up the singularity: they detonated thier warp core to ride the explosion to safety.

Third, Spock needed to be removed from command, and was the one making foolish desicions.

Four, you fail to take into account that there could very well be an insect-like monster suited to live on some alien world.

I will concede the point that the Krik vs Cadets fight didn't make a lot of sense, exept to introduce the captain.

No, why would I?

michael3b's picture

Glad to have you (or anybody new around), but:

If you fall at terminal velocity and throw out a chute a couple of seconds before hitting metal, you will die.  In fact the inertia of your brain would kill you before you hit anything solid due to the deceleration.

If you throw a bomb at a singularity it will not blow up; it will be absorbed.

Spock was only making bad decisions if you knew what was going on, which nobody on board did.

Why would a bug live in ice? And why would it bite a large animal only to chase after a tiny one?


Welcome aboard! Seriously.

That was for mew.

michael3b's picture

This bud's for mew.

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