My Star Trek Review
Spoiler: Star Trek sucks harder than the vacuum of space itself.
Before laying into this thing, I wish to be crystal clear regarding a very important film truism. To wit: making an action blockbuster space adventure without a climax is fucking stupid. And a film can have no climactic sequence if there is no plot from which to draw said climax. Period. No number of half-assed mini-events scattered along the way can atone for this fact. Also, unless there is a Delorean and/or the imminent banging of a character’s teenage mother by that character involved, time travel by its very definition destroys any hope of a coherent plot. No amount of syrupy nostalgia-cum-series-rebirth will atone for this fact. Ok, then.
Within the spectrum of sequels, prequels, and unequals the latest Star Trek abomination fits right in there between “Bring it On Again: No, I Already Brung It” and “The Klumps Take a Shit.” With Trek 2.0, JJ Abrams and company have dropped such a massive deuce on the franchise that the next one will no doubt be called Star Trek: Meet the Dung Beetles. Truly. What the fuck was that? Hell if I know, but here’s what little I was able to ascertain amid the epileptic-in-an-earthquake camerawork and sourceless tympani-ripping noise:
A bunch of Romulans use some atomic play-dough to break through the time-space continuum in a ship made by either the people from The Village or The Blair Witch. Spock (as in: Nimoy) is chasing them. The Romulans are pissed off at both him and The Federation he represents because Romulus has been destroyed on his watch. Now they want Spock, his home planet, and The Fed to suffer the same fate. Fair enough. But wouldn’t it have made some sense for them to use the de facto time machine to either prevent the disaster and/or to evacuate Romulus? Or to just go to the planet itself which now exists in the “new” timeframe created by this…fuck it. I repeat: time travel kills movies. Anyhow, instead of doing something sensible with themselves and their equipment the Roms sit there and wait 25 years for Spock to arrive a second after they went into the time-hole (relativity, don’t you know). They do this so as to go all Dr. Evil on his planet using a fire drill while he watches from Hoth, a fate he deserves in my opinion for becoming happy-go-lucky in his golden years. I digress… During this time the Roms don’t seem to age much, and Kirk’s dad valiantly drives a space cruiser into their hull while Kirk is being born. This Kirk-related non-event serves only to provide a Tom Skeritt-ish space captain a subject for his Starfleet Academy dissertation (“Space’s Greatest Car Crashes”?) and a means with which to prod the 21 year old Anakin Skywal…I mean, J.T. Kirk into Top Gun…uh, The Academy, just like dear ol’ dead dad.
Meantime, young Spock is unhappy at being in a place where being half human is considered a handicap. Yet, somehow his human mother serves on the Council of Elders...hmmm. Whatever- he leaves Vulcan in a huff. Ferris Bueller (Kirk) and Cameron (Spock) then set about their wacky, pre-determined, post-adolescent courses toward their ultimate destiny: committing genocide against the Romulans… Or was it meeting the rest of the impersonators of the crew of the Enterprise so that this franchise can get itself out of mothballs and start spewing its pungent fumes across the galaxy once again? I forget.
And who gives a shit?
The main problem with this film reads as follows: nothing fucking happens. There are senseless fights (why are there cadets in Iowa beating up townies when The Academy is in San Francisco?), foolish decisions (let’s insult Spock’s mom so he’ll quit being a rational captain so we can get Kirk at the helm to do something completely insane), and a lack of respect for the laws of physics (no, you cannot hit the deck of a drilling rig at near-terminal velocity and not splatter), astrophysics (you cannot bomb a singularity), and overall believability (insects do not live on ice planets) so egregious that if I ever put my disbelief into suspension deep enough to enjoy any of Star Trek I would have to leave it there indefinitely for fear that it would hunt me down and destroy me at a later date. Bottom line: Star Trek’s “plot” exists solely as a means to an end for its pointless special effects and its creators’ wallets. It stands as a testament to how little Hollywood thinks of its audience and to the death of intelligent big-budget filmmaking… if ever such a thing existed.
If you are considering paying to see Star Trek, do yourself a favor and boldly go elsewhere.