The Pagans Nailed It

They burn shit and dance around the flames. They wear goatskin pants and buffalo heads.  They fart and worship stars and trees and dudes named Baal. They sleep late on weekends.  These are my kinds of people! Why? Because they get it. They understand that we're all superstitious-until-educated-yet-completely-aware-of-the-coolness-of-the-weird, the eerie, and the insane-types of beings.  In short, they see that we are friggin' HUMANS whose thoughts of the divine are more apt to be directed at 6 blips in the night sky that to us somehow represent a herd of wildebeasts meeting their maker against the backdrop of the Himalaya...on fire, than manifest itself in a book of rules so arcane that I believe James Joyce on his first try at it said, "fuck this". 

And for this, the Pagans should be applauded.

But the main thing I dig about these lunatics?  They DON'T LIKE ARBITRARY RULES. And they had zero tolerance for any self-righteous clown in a tunic who attempted to dictate to them The 1,382 Things One Must Do To Get Into Heaven (on Wednesday before breakfast).  Not on The Feast of Nostromo's Testicles you don't, motherfucker! Naturally, this aversion to manipulative retardation made them very popular at one time among Joe and the Family Shmoe, and even got them invited to many of The Elites's places on The Black Sea.  In comparison, rigid, political hacks did not fare well when came tithing time.  Which is exactly what some dude hanging by a thread at his job of supreme ruler of the feces-covered lovers of the-guy-on-a-stick realized 1000 years ago. This is also why he merged a patently bullshit belief in the deep significance of the death of a guy who knew he was a god with those of proto-Trekkies.  So that they wouldn't set their tree-phasers to "fucked".

Ironically, we've been fucked at X-mas ever since.  As the latest in the long line of obfuscatin' cocksuckers well employed ("No, no, no! It's THE CLEAR SKIES INITIATIVE, see?  So, the smog go bye-bye!"),  the proto-xtians covered up the obvious destruction of everybody's good time by calling it a celebration of Da Baaaaybeee Cheebus, and inviting all to remain still long enough, "so that Goddha can size you up for a new pair of wings."  Basically, they made everyone schizophrenic.  And now, instead of peacefully mulling around a nice-smelling tree, drinking spiced oxblood out of a leopard skull and howling at Polaris during the winter solstice in codpieces and antlers, we've now got our heads so twisted up in a manger that we don't know whether to shit or buy trinkets.  And I will never, ever forgive the Pagan Union reps who sold out their happy peoples so long ago because of it.  I hope they're buried in the foundation of a Church of Mithras somewhere. "Right 'ere wit ya Virgin Muddah!"


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Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Nah.  That sounds too strenuous.  Think I will just remain a member of the stay at home with a beer and a movie Church-of-Sloth.


{;-) Dan (chllin') in Miami

Pagenism makes sense the way you put it

Coaster's picture

Pagens, however did believe in gods of some sort, didn't they?  If true, then I must also reject Paganism. 

"There is no spiritual component to life and Man is ultimately insignificant in the universe." --(I forget who said this.*)

The above quote pretty much sums it up for me.  

*I guess I would have remembered his or her name had they just been a bit more significant.


Sorry, your universe sounds a bit too dull for me

Rajah's picture

What's wrong with a good story?

Must everything have the ring of truth and be proven?

Are there no mysteries?

Must rationality squeeze all the fun out of everything?

Is magic dead?

Boo is an empty word if there are no ghosts to utter it!

Spiced oxblood and codpieces are dull?

michael3b's picture

I love ya, Raj.  But my point is that we were actually plumbing the mysteries (BOO!) of the universe before someone came around and ruined the process/party with an arbitrary how-to textbook. Now we're shoe-horning our very real sensations into someone's political view of how things be. This sucks.


That said, MELLY CLISTMAR!!! To all.  Enjoy your inner paganism, even if it simply involves TV and beer.

T'was addressing me unspiritual friend Coaster

Rajah's picture

He believes like the Klingons there's no afterlife

Pan was a nice god til the christians turned him into the devil

Rajah's picture

Can't they come up with their own holidays? Easter was a pagan holiday too. Now we celebrate some zombie getting up and going around scaring people. Don't see how that's much different than a pagan celebration.

Haven't you heard?

FearlessFreep's picture

"The great god Pan is dead!"


The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Reports of his demise have been greatly exaggerated!

Wally_Pipp's picture

He's still alive, make no mistake.

Just ask Mole, Rat, Badger, Toad, or Otter. They'll tell you.

Best regards, Wally

Sumtyme me make dum

michael3b's picture

Roger, Rajah.

And klingons never die, they simply engage the cloaking device.

Klingons do have an afterlife.

Coaster's picture

Everyone knows that dishonored Klingon warriors are condemned to ride the Barge of the Dead to Gre'thor to spend eternity. Gre'thor, I've heard, is a lot like The Bronx, only without the charm.

Raj, say what you will about your fanciful Bible tales, but don't mess with Klingon unless you can handle The Truth.

Did you also recite Klingon at your son's Bar Mitzvah?

Rajah's picture

^^^that was a Fraser reference

Now you're just being silly

Coaster's picture

He did however recite the entire Jeriba lineage before the Holy Council.

(That was an Enemy Mine reference)

That's one long gargle!

Rajah's picture

A language based on throat hygiene!

I caught it! Great episode!

Eternity Bands's picture

I caught it! Great episode! (just a side note)

New solstice holiday for the heathens...

michael3b's picture


Signature tune: "Do You Hear What I...Wait, You Turn Into WHAT?"

Any ideas for rituals, etc.?

I always though festivus was one of the funnier ones

TMundo's picture

A festivus for the rest of us.

The airing of greivances

The feats of strength

The festivus pole complete with oxidation.


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