Transformers: The Fallen Can't Get it Up!
Michael Bay hates you. And I can prove it. His disdain for humanity is so overpowering that at THREE SEPARATE TIMES during Transformers 2 somebody or something mentions that Megan Fox is attractive. Come on! Her? You sure? Yeah, and the statue of liberty is green, and fucking mountains are big and... it’s all so obvious, no? Well that’s the thing. Because Bay fails utterly as both a director and as a human being here, because he hates me, I actually DID need to be told that which my throbbing libido cortex should have known instantly. But it did not know, because it was simply too confused by this giant pile of steaming loud to function. And so the hidden hotness of Megan Fox becomes Bay’s worst hate crime to date, never mind a racist gesture on par with Ingrid Bergman calling Sam “boy” in Casablanca (Negroid and his homebot, Ghettotron, make Jar Jar look like Sidney Poitier). This is all because instead of thrilling us with the trappings of Hollywod special effects and movie stars, Bay has instead used his worthless talent to mush every element of the summer blockbuster together and created the film equivalent of brown.
Ah well… No use crying. Google Images and “Megan-Fox-Ass” await.
Apparently The Transformers have been hiding among us as cement mixers and shit for thousands of years. Who knew? I wonder what the first T-former was called. Sharpstick? Neanderbot? Never mind. The point is that they’re here and they are not ignoring us for some reason. And presently Decepticons are looking to have their revenge on the Autobots for something poorly explained. I think the Emperor from Star Wars is involved, but don’t quote me on that. When they finish that they’re gonna… steal the sun? Using a machine buried inside the great pyramid at Cheops (and not on Mercury)a couple thousand years ago? Yup. That’s kinda what it looked like. I think that’s what the giant Vacuumbot was for anyhow, to inhale the tip of the pyramid and expose the Sun Sucker 2000. And so the good Cars want to stop the evil Other Things from doing this. Why? Because they looooove Earth sooooo much (makes kissing noises). They love it so very much, in fact, that they all feel compelled to act like humans. And why energy this intelligent and adaptable would ever stoop to using ebonics, much less turn into a Chevy instead of a laserbeamchainsawgun, is beyond my puny intellectual capacity. But it all makes sense in Michael Bay’s inhumane universe.
Like I said, Bay clearly hates his audience and so he makes no bones about stepping on every tendril of disbelief it can muster during this shitfest. First he tries to make us believe that the metallicons wouldn’t stomp humans like fleas en route to activating the machine which they themselves built at the dawn of history to perpetuate their species, then he forces us to buy the fact that they would enlist the help of the sexually confused to STOP them from doing this. Who built these things again? Oprahbot? And why does a freshman in college warrant the responsibility of using the symbol for Scion automobiles to save his own planet from a bunch of titans that should have wiped the thing out a few millennia ago, and…
Fuck it. I don’t have the slightest idea of what the hell happened in this movie or why. And I would bet that nobody involved in making it knows either, Bay included. It’s as though the point was a secret on the set that they forgot to reveal to themselves. As a result we are stuck with a piece of porn so completely overrun by motion, machinegun dialogue, wild changes in character personas, baseless rationales, and god-awful noise that I almost forgot to have an erection when Megan Fox showed up. Luckily, the greasy little mafiabot was there with the cues. Thank you, Guidotron.