Transformers: The Fallen Can't Get it Up!

Michael Bay hates you. And I can prove it. His disdain for humanity is so overpowering that at THREE SEPARATE TIMES during Transformers 2 somebody or something mentions that Megan Fox is attractive. Come on! Her? You sure? Yeah, and the statue of liberty is green, and fucking mountains are big and... it’s all so obvious, no? Well that’s the thing. Because Bay fails utterly as both a director and as a human being here, because he hates me, I actually DID need to be told that which my throbbing libido cortex should have known instantly. But it did not know, because it was simply too confused by this giant pile of steaming loud to function. And so the hidden hotness of Megan Fox becomes Bay’s worst hate crime to date, never mind a racist gesture on par with Ingrid Bergman calling Sam “boy” in Casablanca (Negroid and his homebot, Ghettotron, make Jar Jar look like Sidney Poitier). This is all because instead of thrilling us with the trappings of Hollywod special effects and movie stars, Bay has instead used his worthless talent to mush every element of the summer blockbuster together and created the film equivalent of brown.

Ah well… No use crying. Google Images and “Megan-Fox-Ass” await.

Apparently The Transformers have been hiding among us as cement mixers and shit for thousands of years. Who knew? I wonder what the first T-former was called. Sharpstick? Neanderbot? Never mind. The point is that they’re here and they are not ignoring us for some reason. And presently Decepticons are looking to have their revenge on the Autobots for something poorly explained. I think the Emperor from Star Wars is involved, but don’t quote me on that. When they finish that they’re gonna… steal the sun? Using a machine buried inside the great pyramid at Cheops (and not on Mercury)a couple thousand years ago? Yup. That’s kinda what it looked like. I think that’s what the giant Vacuumbot was for anyhow, to inhale the tip of the pyramid and expose the Sun Sucker 2000. And so the good Cars want to stop the evil Other Things from doing this. Why? Because they looooove Earth sooooo much (makes kissing noises). They love it so very much, in fact, that they all feel compelled to act like humans. And why energy this intelligent and adaptable would ever stoop to using ebonics, much less turn into a Chevy instead of a laserbeamchainsawgun, is beyond my puny intellectual capacity. But it all makes sense in Michael Bay’s inhumane universe.

Like I said, Bay clearly hates his audience and so he makes no bones about stepping on every tendril of disbelief it can muster during this shitfest. First he tries to make us believe that the metallicons wouldn’t stomp humans like fleas en route to activating the machine which they themselves built at the dawn of history to perpetuate their species, then he forces us to buy the fact that they would enlist the help of the sexually confused to STOP them from doing this. Who built these things again? Oprahbot? And why does a freshman in college warrant the responsibility of using the symbol for Scion automobiles to save his own planet from a bunch of titans that should have wiped the thing out a few millennia ago, and…

Fuck it. I don’t have the slightest idea of what the hell happened in this movie or why. And I would bet that nobody involved in making it knows either, Bay included. It’s as though the point was a secret on the set that they forgot to reveal to themselves. As a result we are stuck with a piece of porn so completely overrun by motion, machinegun dialogue, wild changes in character personas, baseless rationales, and god-awful noise that I almost forgot to have an erection when Megan Fox showed up. Luckily, the greasy little mafiabot was there with the cues. Thank you, Guidotron.

Dynamite Stick


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Let us never forget that MB

Bender_Bending_Rodriguez's picture

Let us never forget that MB makes commercials.  Remember that Got Milk commercial about Aaron Burr?  Yeah, that was him.  This movie was essentially a sequel to the first commercial.  That's 294 minutes (4 hours 54 minutes) of commercial for the two movies.  Selling:  Tranformers toys, Chevrolets, the Military, Sex, and later a DVD copy of the commercial for the toys, cars, military, poon, and on that DVD will be trailers (commercials) for other commercials by MB.  It's a vicious downward spiral of ad making.

Come to think of it, I think this movie was partially funded with taxpayer moneys:  GM took gobs of cash from the government to stave off...something (aren't they dead yet?), and then paid the film makers to have their vehicles prominently showcased in the movie (or paid the movie guys, then took the gobs of loot - either way).  Then, 4 out of 5 branches of the military showed up (the National Guard felt they'd just end up looking wimpy in comparison to the more well endowed er funded other branches and said "no thanks") and showed off their warez and let the film makers film them playing army - certainly at taxpayers expense.  So, some of the blame for how much one didn't like the movie can be directed at your local House Rep, or Senator, or President, or Dick Cheney, because he doesn't get off that easy.  Basically this movie may be doing three things simultaneously: 1) telling you to go buy shit, 2) telling you to join the military to fight sentient alien robots from outer space, and 3) may be partially responsible for the current worldwide economic apocalypse.  This movie was two years and reportedly $200 million in the making after all.

In spite of the Donbots, Downs Syndromebots, Truck Nutz sporting Tonkabots, Grandpabots, and Kitchenaidebots, I managed to enjoy this spectacle that is the bi-annual Michael Bay clobbtoberfest.  If I wanted to see good acting, plot, subtlety, nuance, character developement, and practical effects I'd go watch Crank or Crank 2 High Voltage.  But, when I want to see giant fucking robots doing giant fucking robot things, then I'll go watch RobotJox er Transformers part Deux: The AutoDeceptibotcons Vs Jon & Kate plus their little army...or something.

Hi Mike.

I have nothing to add to these awesome reviews...

MadNessMonster's picture

However, I would watch the hell out of "Transformers vs. John and Kate".

You all clearly don't get it.

Xur's picture

Michael Bay has finally made an art movie:

http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie 

Interesting

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Possibly illegal in some states of consciousness and the commonwealth of Puerto Rico, but interesting.

{;-) Dan (hallucinating in a good way) in Miami

Video game simulates rape

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

OK you gamers out there, just try to justify this.  From Slate.com:

The [RapeLay] game begins with a man standing on a subway platform, stalking a girl in a blue sundress. On the platform, you can click "prayer" to summon a wind that lifts her skirt. She blushes. Once she's on the train, the assault begins. Inside the subway car, you can use the mouse to grope your victim as you stand in a crowd of mute, translucent commuters. From here, your character corners his victim—in a station bathroom, or in a park with the help of male friends—and a series of interactive rape scenes begins.

Early on, RapeLay operates like a visual novel—the exposition comes via text that scrolls over a series of static images, explaining your character's plan to enslave three women one by one, and his eerie delight in the premeditation. Although the interactive assaults are difficult to endure if you have a conscience, the game's text actually provides the most unsettling material. RapeLay relies on the horrendous, wildly sexist fantasy that rape victims enjoy being attacked. After the exposition, the game essentially becomes a simulator of consensual intercourse. There's kissing. The women orgasm.

http://www.slate.com/id/2213073/?obref=obinsite

{;-) Dan in Miami

Michael Bay hates you. And Rotten Tomatoes hates Bay

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Transformers:  The Fallen Can't Get It Up! is the seventh worst film of the summer according to Rotten Tomatoes.  Why did it suck so badly?  From RT:

Two entries in, the Transformers franchise has proven to be substantially less than meets the eye. Noisy, mechanical, and excessively lengthy, Revenge of the Fallen confirmed many of the critical slights against blockbuster filmmaking in general and Michael Bay in particular, emphasizing empty spectacle over narrative cohesion or character development. But hey, it's just mindless summer entertainment, not art, right? Well, most critics felt ROTF failed to make the popcorn grade; rather than immersing the audience in spectacle, the pundits complained that the film was merely an assault on the senses. "Bay seems to think that just showing us a bunch of brightly clashing metallic limbs (accompanied by lots of noise) is enough to make us faint in our seats with excitement," wrote Stephanie Zacharek of Salon.com.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1842008/2/rotten_tomatoes_summer_2009...

{;-) Dan in Miami

 

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