Turtles have lists as well - Part Chahaar

Another decade is about to slide behind me, and here I sit looking back on them and just have to give them all together a thumbs down.  Especially that second one, geez, that year pretty much sucked culturally and personally.  Well anyway enough with the '00s, we're on to a new decade, being bright eyed and bushy tailed, full of promise and hope that only the future can offer.  So what lists will a giant green flying turtle have related to the future?  Read on...............

Resolutions

I'm not big on resolutions, if you have promises to make to yourself, the time to resolve to do them is when they occur to you, not New Year's Day in my book, but in keeping with my country of residence's tradition here are mine:

I will lose weight - it makes sense that when flying from place to place I take the time to eventually have less of it to get airborne.  Plus it makes gymnastics difficult

I will work out regularly - chicks dig green muscles

I will stop saying 'asshole' with a fake sneeze/cough anytime someone mentions 'W' - just need to move on and forget the pathetic buffoon existed if at all possible

I will stop flipping off cars that persist in having 'W' stickers on them - same reason as above

I will cease throwing my nerf brick at the TV - just cause the linebacker moved at warp 17 from his spot in coverage to intercept a pass during EA Sports NCAA Football isn't the televisions fault.  I should start throwing it at the box, but no, that's just as bad

I will go to the lake more often - It's getting to be less and less of a lake and more and more of a puddle, but just being near the water is good for turtles, and since I'm not near a coast anymore it works

I will not drop 'F' bombs when in earshot of my girlfriends autistic son - not that I do often, but the little guy loves copying me, and they just slip out

I will not go to Japan to fight any other giant monsters - with the pretty anime that has egregious storylines in 99.7% in it, why bother?  Maybe if they do a anime series about me...............

I will say something nice to either an Oregon State or Washington alum - it may take until this time next year, but I'll do it.  But only to one, one from each is simply too much to ask of myself

I will get over my fear of boyshorts - on boys it was just creepy to be honest back in the 50's and 60's, but on my girlfriend, with that ass, it's Cool Aid time

I will not make any derogatory comments about the irish - refraining from saying anything negative about the island or the people that gave the world Guinness and my girlfriend.....and..........potato famines and...............well I just won't say anything bad about the place or smirk or the like when it's mentioned

I will rewatch all the MST's I have on tape up to episode 512 - I haven't for a while, and I'm only missing 4 so why not it's good stuff

I will reread my H.P. Lovecraft books - again, I haven't for a while, and it's time

I will not rip apart the historical fallicies of movies coming out in '10 - as long as the guy who worked on Gladiator is out of work, I've got a fighting chance on this one, maybe.  Regardless it means I'll give Russell Crowe and Robin Hood a chance

Movies

2010 promises to be another year of movies that will leave this turtle scratching his shell in bewilderment.  Here's a few I'm looking forward to seeing, and some you couldn't pay me to see

January

Bitch Slap - I gotta see this; badass chicks trying to do badass things to bad guys with stated plot twists?  It'll either end up being Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death or Thelma and Louise meet Scarface.  On the see list

The Book of Eli - I like Denzel so I'll give this a chance, but you can never tell with the post apocalypse

Daybreakers - I don't care how many times my girlfriend may bend over in front of me accidentally on purpose, ANOTHER vampire flick?  And this time there's too many and they're running out of blood?  Awwwww, too fucking bad, zero sympathy, die bitches

February

The Wolfman - Ok, let me just say I'm not the biggest Anthony Hopkins fan out there.  I think he's a fine supporting actor, but as the lead he just doesn't do it for me, whatever the reason.  But if they're going to try and bring the Wolfman into this century, I'll see what they come up with

Valentine's Day - Ashton Kutcher AND Julia Roberts?  Mr Cranky's three words for the Spice Girls go here

March

Clash of the Titans - are you kidding?  I've got to see this, if only to see how bad they butcher it.  Who knows I may like it, but I do like Harryhausen's stop-action in the first and if my thoughts roam to comparisons during the movie it's prob ably not a good sign

The Back-Up Plan - First, it's got J-Ho, I mean J-Lo.  Then, in the synopsis for the movie which I am cut and pasting here it says 'a near-stranger’s water birth which does for kiddie pools what “Jaws” did for swimming in the ocean.'  Yeah, I can't wait for this one. woo.  hoo.

Hubble 3-D - It says it's in IMAX, but if I can find it at an ACTUAL IMAX theatre it's a must see for this turtle

April

Warlords - I'm not a big Jet Li guy, but Chinese historical movies can be fascinating, so I'll see it

MacGruber - Based on a Saturday Night Live character?  Oh boy, how bad did Val Kilmer need a paycheck?

May

Iron Man 2 - Yeah yeah, I'll see it.  I liked the first one so sue me

Robin Hood - As I mentioned up above, Russell Crowe stars in Robin Hood.  Only this time Richard is already dead, so he can't be saving the kingdom until the return of the good king, so.....?  Well will see, I'll see it but I'll have an eyebrow cocked and ready before the lights go down

Sex and the City 2/Shrek Forever After - Well if nothing else, Shrek doesn't have a face like a foot

June

The A Team - Attention Hollywood!  Liam Neeson isn't an action guy!  Rob Roy was as close as he got to one and that sucked barnicles.  As a jedi?  Gimme a break.  As Hannibal Smith?  You've gotta be kidding

The Karate Kid - Just when you thought the remake machine couldn't dig deeper, surprise!  Jackie Chan proves he'd do anything do be on the big screen I guess

Footloose - See above.  Do towns still ban dancing?

Grown Ups - starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and David Spade.  Do I need to say anything else about it?

July

The Last Airbender - Ok, MAYBE I'll try it if it's not another teen (or preteen) saving the fricking world movie.  The idea sounds interesting at least

Little Fockers - Oh come on!  Is there such a thing as the Ben Stiller franchise these people can tap into for bucks?  But then again I do remember Pauly Shore was actually popular in this country

August

The Expendables - Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, AND Mickey Rourke are mercs in South America to overthrow a dictator?  I've GOT to see this

The Baster - A neurotic and insecure man finds out his best friend wants to have a child through artificial insemination. He surreptitiously replaces her donor's semen with his own and is then forced to live with the secret that he is the child's real father.  Oh no!  What drama!  What suspense!  I can already feel for the douchebag and his plight is SOOOO moving!  All this plus it stars Jennifer 'someone thinks i'm cute no they really do they just have to!' Aniston, Jason Bateman AND Jeff 'Major Self-Obsession' Goldblum.  Someone got paid to cast this and someone else got paid to write it.  Lucky you, cause I won't be anywhere near it

September

Born to be a Star - A guy from a small town finds out his parents are ex-porn stars.  Hilarity ensues.  Well it will for someone else I'm sure

The Roommate - You'll forgive me if the description sounds eerily similar to Single White Female, and I found that one lacking

October

Your Highness - Well I know one guy who'll see it, namely Rajah cause his Zooey is in it.  Other than that the description says so little who knows

Saw VII - Yes I like the Saw series, it's the best horror out there to me, and not that I'm huge in the genre but my girlfriend is, and we'll be in the theatre opening weekend as always.

November

Red Dawn - Here we go again, remake hell.  Who's going to be invading this time though?  The canucks?  The mexicans?  The cameroonians?  Oh the suspense of finding out!

Unstoppable - Come on Denzel, Runaway Train has been done before, and reminders let alone comparisons to the work of John Voight just isn't appetizing

December

Tron:Legacy - Not that the first one was great or anything, but I do want to see where they take this one

The Green Hornet - Really?  The Green Hornet?  Cool!  Starring Seth Rogen, Michael Sera, and Adam Sandler.  Oh god no.  No no no no and no

Gulliver's Travels - This might have a chance.  Starring Jack Black.  Ok forget those first five words ever happened

Now I'm sure the release dates on some of these will change, they always do, but at least there's a couple I am looking forward to seeing, even if not necessarily in the theatre.

And so we end part chahaar of the lists, excelsior!


14 Comments

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1

The A Team

Coaster's picture

It will be nice to see cameos from the Original Face Man and Howling Mad Murdoch, though I remember reading it was desired by more than a few that that the original B.A. not be allowed anywhere near this project. That's really saying something considering that Dwight Schultz, who has been making his living as a voice actor, would turb down a screen role if the A-hole showed up. 

If you don't think Neeson can handle action sequences, you have not seen Taken.  I was hoping his kid would get kidnapped again so they'd make a Taken 2.  

It's too bad for you that you're such a stickler for historical accuracy.  I loved The 300.  C'mon, they had Battle Rhinos!    Those guys out Klingoned the Klingons.  

If you'll do one little thing, I think I can guarantee you'll like at least one movie next year that you haven't mentioned:  Wait until at least January 1st to see Avitar.  OMFSM, what a feast for the eyes!  It moves so quickly that you'll never notice you've been sitting there for two hours forty minutes when the show is over.  I've seen it 3 times already.  And don't worry.  I hear it's historically accurate.  

Yes I know it's too bad

gamerarocks's picture

that howling errors ruin historical movies for me as a rule.  Personally, 300 wasn't bad because it was obviously not bothering to even try and be historically accurate.  The sadness comes from the fact that yes I know it's not trying to be but when it comes to the general public they still can't imagine the greeks having a stable culture since the entire male population was only into homosexuality, but I digress.  To me what gets lost in the story is 300 Spartans defended a passage against an unbelieveably overwhelming Persian army in a heroic gesture.  It's like you watch it happen but the action somehow takes away from the story.  I dunno.

I appreciate your comment about Taken but Neeson has done burned the bridge to my wallet.  Ain't gonna happen, sorry.  Dirk was good as Face but he'll always be Starbuck.

I plan on seeing Avatar over the coming weekend, Cameron's done good stuff and bad stuff, the previews I've seen will have me there.

Impeach Jim Gibbons!

 

You also forgot the most eagerly anticipated movie of 2010

Coaster's picture

Machete. 

Oh, I so cannot wait to see that.  Rodriquez took the Machete "trailer" from Grindhouse Planet Terror and turned it into a feature film.  De Niro and Jessica Alba are in it, and it even has genuine certified badass Danny Trejo in the title role. 

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Machete?!?

Mal_Content's picture

Is this Machete from Spy Kids?  Has Rodriguez really made a movie around the Machete character?

Ok, I like Danny Trejo, but he can't act. 

Don't remember him from Spy Kids

Coaster's picture

I got a chuckle out of reading Danny Trejo's trivia on IMDB.  It seems he was asked if he could "act like a convict."  

Trejo replied, "I'll give it a shot."

The person Trejo was talking to was unaware that Treho had spent a decade in five different prisons for armed robbery. 

I can't believe that guy is 65. 

Not anticipating doesn't equal forgetting

gamerarocks's picture

it may be good or even great, but it's as far as anticipating it, no.  

Impeach Jim Gibbons!

 

Derogatory comments about the Irish?

FearlessFreep's picture

It's hard to beat Don Rickles' line: "The Irish--UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!"

As for me, I'd resolve to get a job and a girlfriend, but I've resolved that before.  I'm committed to reading Dickens' LITTLE DORITT one of these years.

 

Clash of the Titans

TMundo's picture

I usta love me some Clash of the Titans back in the day.  The Kraken was badass beack then, and from the looks of the trailer, he's badass now, but he reminds me a bit too much of the new Godzilla design with that funky ol' head.  Maybe Alice in Wonder will have a good Jaberwalkee.  Anyway, is CotT really necesary?  It's a good epic investment witrh special effects and all, but do enough people know there was an original to create a fanbase?  What do I care, I hate films made on name recognition.

The A-Team -- Yes, I would like to see the original B.A in this one, but...I'll settle for the benny hill version.

Red Dawn -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You can't do this.

Tron: Legacy -- 30 years later and the same lead actor (Jeff Bridges) playing the same role and his son in the film too, I think.  Impressive.

Footloose -- Will Kevin Bacon be in it?  It's okay, there's nothing unusual about Kevin Bacon showing up in a film.

The Karate Kid -- Childhood memory's are fun to revisit when you watch the originals, I don't think it works when you remake those memories.

I really don't get your hate for Liam Neeson

HS's picture

Qui-Gon Jinn was a great character (and Neeson's commanding performance prolly the best thing of The Phantom Menace).

"Taken" was shite, but it was fun shite.

"Darkman" is a cult classic, better Sam Raimi than Spider-Man 3 at the very least.

And FWIW, I thought "Rob Roy" was fantastic!

 

HS

Errrr, nope

gamerarocks's picture

Queeg on Gin or whatever his characters name may have been was just another element to the absolute desolation that is and was The Phantom Menace.  Oprah would make a more convincing jedi.  Darkman?  Come on, Darkman?  Cult classic maybe but I'd rather have had stoneface George Clooney than plasticine puss Neeson.  Sam Raimi should work more with good ol' BRUCE!  In turtleland Neeson is another word for 'bland' until he proves otherwise.

Impeach Jim Gibbons!

 

As of the end of March

gamerarocks's picture

I've seen a total of one movie on this list, granted there aren't a lot that I'd actually PLANNED to see, but the Book of Eli vanished in theatres and I haven't seen it at the store yet, so.....the review of the one I HAVE seen.....(like you care or looked forward to it.....;) )

BITCH SLAP

Said I was gonna see it, BAM! there it was on the video shelf, so it got snagged.  Is it going to be up for any awards from the academy?  Nope.  For me this was a kitschy B movie that was entertaining and well done for what it was trying to do.  It has three girls; the leader type, the muscle, and the ditz, and there's a plan to get something from this guy out in the desert.  Ok yeah it's not high brow but neither is 99% of what makes it into theaters so bite me it's fun.  There IS a plot and it plays well without odd characters popping up bringing irrelevant plotpaths with them.  The 3 girls are hot and sexy in their own ways giving the appeal of T&A without the 30 minutes combined shower scene footage some movies seem to feel are all that can save them.  (trust me B movie makers, if your film needs that kind of padding, the girls giving me said padding aren't the kind I want said padding from.  but then again i'm not a girls gone wild kind of turtle)  The flashbacks manage to make more sense than the glut of flashbacks so voguish, there are cameos from Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless (I liked Herc, never got worked up over Xena, and it prompted me to think about the old Action Pack back in the late 80's.  Something about a Captain Zoom and Jack of all Trades (BRUCE!) bubbles in the back of my mind as well, but I'm wandering)  There are good explosions, good fight scenes, good plot twists, and good casting as well as acting, and as an added bonus, there's a character named Kinki, so how can you go wrong?  If, IF you like B Movies, this is a gotta see.  I'd put it in the same vein as Deathproof, but without the endless and tedious build-up.  Bitch Slap just walks up to you and SMACK! which for this movie is just the way to do it.

p.s. - much to my girlfriends chagrin, i'm all but 3 months into keeping my resolution not to bash the irish, hooray me!  still haven't found a reason or situation to be nice to a husky or inmate, errrrr, beaver.

One out of four people is freakishly stupid. If three of your friends are normal, then it's you.

 

Release the Crappin'!

Coaster's picture

Clash of the Titans is being released in three days yet has not been screened for critics; a sure sign of suckitude.  Pity. 

The Kraken was a Norse myth

Rajah's picture

Yeah, I'm being picky. It's hard for anyone who knows about mythology to watch these pagan movies. The old Jason and The Argonauts featured a hydra guarding the Golden Fleece. Now the Hydra was what Hercules fought and it was a serpent that guarded the Golden Fleece. Such willy nilly mixing of myth stories is what makes the Gods angry at modern man!

Something that bugged me about JASON & THE ARGONAUTS

FearlessFreep's picture

At the end of the fight with the skeletons, he escapes by diving off the cliff into the sea below.  Why didn't they all just do that at the start of the fight?

 

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