Turtles have lists as well - Part Chahaar
Another decade is about to slide behind me, and here I sit looking back on them and just have to give them all together a thumbs down. Especially that second one, geez, that year pretty much sucked culturally and personally. Well anyway enough with the '00s, we're on to a new decade, being bright eyed and bushy tailed, full of promise and hope that only the future can offer. So what lists will a giant green flying turtle have related to the future? Read on...............
I'm not big on resolutions, if you have promises to make to yourself, the time to resolve to do them is when they occur to you, not New Year's Day in my book, but in keeping with my country of residence's tradition here are mine:
I will lose weight - it makes sense that when flying from place to place I take the time to eventually have less of it to get airborne. Plus it makes gymnastics difficult
I will work out regularly - chicks dig green muscles
I will stop saying 'asshole' with a fake sneeze/cough anytime someone mentions 'W' - just need to move on and forget the pathetic buffoon existed if at all possible
I will stop flipping off cars that persist in having 'W' stickers on them - same reason as above
I will cease throwing my nerf brick at the TV - just cause the linebacker moved at warp 17 from his spot in coverage to intercept a pass during EA Sports NCAA Football isn't the televisions fault. I should start throwing it at the box, but no, that's just as bad
I will go to the lake more often - It's getting to be less and less of a lake and more and more of a puddle, but just being near the water is good for turtles, and since I'm not near a coast anymore it works
I will not drop 'F' bombs when in earshot of my girlfriends autistic son - not that I do often, but the little guy loves copying me, and they just slip out
I will not go to Japan to fight any other giant monsters - with the pretty anime that has egregious storylines in 99.7% in it, why bother? Maybe if they do a anime series about me...............
I will say something nice to either an Oregon State or Washington alum - it may take until this time next year, but I'll do it. But only to one, one from each is simply too much to ask of myself
I will get over my fear of boyshorts - on boys it was just creepy to be honest back in the 50's and 60's, but on my girlfriend, with that ass, it's Cool Aid time
I will not make any derogatory comments about the irish - refraining from saying anything negative about the island or the people that gave the world Guinness and my girlfriend.....and..........potato famines and...............well I just won't say anything bad about the place or smirk or the like when it's mentioned
I will rewatch all the MST's I have on tape up to episode 512 - I haven't for a while, and I'm only missing 4 so why not it's good stuff
I will reread my H.P. Lovecraft books - again, I haven't for a while, and it's time
I will not rip apart the historical fallicies of movies coming out in '10 - as long as the guy who worked on Gladiator is out of work, I've got a fighting chance on this one, maybe. Regardless it means I'll give Russell Crowe and Robin Hood a chance
2010 promises to be another year of movies that will leave this turtle scratching his shell in bewilderment. Here's a few I'm looking forward to seeing, and some you couldn't pay me to see
Bitch Slap - I gotta see this; badass chicks trying to do badass things to bad guys with stated plot twists? It'll either end up being Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death or Thelma and Louise meet Scarface. On the see list
The Book of Eli - I like Denzel so I'll give this a chance, but you can never tell with the post apocalypse
Daybreakers - I don't care how many times my girlfriend may bend over in front of me accidentally on purpose, ANOTHER vampire flick? And this time there's too many and they're running out of blood? Awwwww, too fucking bad, zero sympathy, die bitches
The Wolfman - Ok, let me just say I'm not the biggest Anthony Hopkins fan out there. I think he's a fine supporting actor, but as the lead he just doesn't do it for me, whatever the reason. But if they're going to try and bring the Wolfman into this century, I'll see what they come up with
Valentine's Day - Ashton Kutcher AND Julia Roberts? Mr Cranky's three words for the Spice Girls go here
Clash of the Titans - are you kidding? I've got to see this, if only to see how bad they butcher it. Who knows I may like it, but I do like Harryhausen's stop-action in the first and if my thoughts roam to comparisons during the movie it's prob ably not a good sign
The Back-Up Plan - First, it's got J-Ho, I mean J-Lo. Then, in the synopsis for the movie which I am cut and pasting here it says 'a near-stranger’s water birth which does for kiddie pools what “Jaws” did for swimming in the ocean.' Yeah, I can't wait for this one. woo. hoo.
Hubble 3-D - It says it's in IMAX, but if I can find it at an ACTUAL IMAX theatre it's a must see for this turtle
Warlords - I'm not a big Jet Li guy, but Chinese historical movies can be fascinating, so I'll see it
MacGruber - Based on a Saturday Night Live character? Oh boy, how bad did Val Kilmer need a paycheck?
Iron Man 2 - Yeah yeah, I'll see it. I liked the first one so sue me
Robin Hood - As I mentioned up above, Russell Crowe stars in Robin Hood. Only this time Richard is already dead, so he can't be saving the kingdom until the return of the good king, so.....? Well will see, I'll see it but I'll have an eyebrow cocked and ready before the lights go down
Sex and the City 2/Shrek Forever After - Well if nothing else, Shrek doesn't have a face like a foot
The A Team - Attention Hollywood! Liam Neeson isn't an action guy! Rob Roy was as close as he got to one and that sucked barnicles. As a jedi? Gimme a break. As Hannibal Smith? You've gotta be kidding
The Karate Kid - Just when you thought the remake machine couldn't dig deeper, surprise! Jackie Chan proves he'd do anything do be on the big screen I guess
Footloose - See above. Do towns still ban dancing?
Grown Ups - starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and David Spade. Do I need to say anything else about it?
The Last Airbender - Ok, MAYBE I'll try it if it's not another teen (or preteen) saving the fricking world movie. The idea sounds interesting at least
Little Fockers - Oh come on! Is there such a thing as the Ben Stiller franchise these people can tap into for bucks? But then again I do remember Pauly Shore was actually popular in this country
The Expendables - Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, AND Mickey Rourke are mercs in South America to overthrow a dictator? I've GOT to see this
The Baster - A neurotic and insecure man finds out his best friend wants to have a child through artificial insemination. He surreptitiously replaces her donor's semen with his own and is then forced to live with the secret that he is the child's real father. Oh no! What drama! What suspense! I can already feel for the douchebag and his plight is SOOOO moving! All this plus it stars Jennifer 'someone thinks i'm cute no they really do they just have to!' Aniston, Jason Bateman AND Jeff 'Major Self-Obsession' Goldblum. Someone got paid to cast this and someone else got paid to write it. Lucky you, cause I won't be anywhere near it
Born to be a Star - A guy from a small town finds out his parents are ex-porn stars. Hilarity ensues. Well it will for someone else I'm sure
The Roommate - You'll forgive me if the description sounds eerily similar to Single White Female, and I found that one lacking
Your Highness - Well I know one guy who'll see it, namely Rajah cause his Zooey is in it. Other than that the description says so little who knows
Saw VII - Yes I like the Saw series, it's the best horror out there to me, and not that I'm huge in the genre but my girlfriend is, and we'll be in the theatre opening weekend as always.
Red Dawn - Here we go again, remake hell. Who's going to be invading this time though? The canucks? The mexicans? The cameroonians? Oh the suspense of finding out!
Unstoppable - Come on Denzel, Runaway Train has been done before, and reminders let alone comparisons to the work of John Voight just isn't appetizing
Tron:Legacy - Not that the first one was great or anything, but I do want to see where they take this one
The Green Hornet - Really? The Green Hornet? Cool! Starring Seth Rogen, Michael Sera, and Adam Sandler. Oh god no. No no no no and no
Gulliver's Travels - This might have a chance. Starring Jack Black. Ok forget those first five words ever happened
Now I'm sure the release dates on some of these will change, they always do, but at least there's a couple I am looking forward to seeing, even if not necessarily in the theatre.
And so we end part chahaar of the lists, excelsior!