You

Happy 2011 from gamerarocks!

Because I figure the Buffalo Beast will get its list out sometime this spring (which is still far more time sensitive than the caption contest here), I’ll beat them to the punch and focus on the only one of the top 50 worst persons they do that is responsible for all the others, You.

Why You?  Well here’s some ideas; You would rather Tweet than meet; You would rather text than talk; You think that electric cars equal going green; You think that recycling copy paper at the office saves the rain forest; You drink water in plastic  bottles in the name of hydration; You love Vince’s nuts; You have an attention span so short that channels put commercials at the bottom of the screen during shows of future shows they just promoed in the last break; You buy north facing homes in a snow belt; You think politics are black and white; You think Angus is premium beef; You have no idea what federal state county or city governments spend tax revenue on but you know you’re hopelessly overtaxed; You laugh at fat/ugly/fake-baked chicks with your friends then drool over Snooki; You spend hours on a weekly basis to improve your fantasy sports teams; You think evolution isn’t a proven fact; You whine about the NASA budget while blissfully ignoring the daily development resulting from their efforts; You want a Fushigi; You paid so much attention during chemistry class you know carbon dating doesn’t work; You vote for lawyers; You think the Deepwater Horizon is over; You think soccer is an elitist sport; You want more human interest stories during the Olympics; You think MSNBC/Fox/CNN broadcast actual news; You think global warming is a disagreement between scientists; You are smarter than scientists in whatever field; You can’t function without GPS; You think public transportation is for welfare recipients; You think reality TV is reality; You think marijuana is bad/wrong/evil; You think drunk driving sentences are excessive; You love country music for its social commentary; You think it’s everyone else who breaks various 10 commandments; You think Ghost Hunters is a documentary; You think outlawing guns would solve problems; You make history up as you go along to suit your purposes since everyone else is as ignorant of it as you; You think Brett Favre is a great quarterback; You think shouting is a game-winning debate tactic; You think astronomy and astrology are the same thing; You laugh at sitcoms; You know exactly what the founding fathers meant; You think Lady Gaga has talent; You think cigarettes are an environmental and personal threat; You gawk at accidents; You wonder why Ben Stiller hasn’t won an Academy Award; You care about celebrity opinions; You couldn’t care less about what really happened in Iraq; You think an SUV from Lexus/Porsche/etc is a status symbol and not a station wagon; You think Mexican immigrants, legal or not, are at the root of all the problems in America; You want your sex life to be private but want to dictate it to everyone else; You think that Sarah Palin is qualified for, well, something; You think coffee and beer are distinct food groups; You think Obama is a Muslim born overseas; You think teachers are overpaid; You think capitalism works for everyone willing to work; You think the midterm elections were a mandate; You think tectonic plates are used to serve German food; You think the bailout was a mistake; You think the TSA and airlines have a conspiracy against you; You think diet plans should work for everyone; You can’t even spell infrastructure; You are a victim who hasn’t sued for financial independence, yet; You can’t understand why the courts overturn legislation; You think driving is a right guaranteed in the constitution; You argue about ice skating and gymnastics scores; You think Stephen King is a great author; You think a drought is how the British get beer from a keg; You watch movies starring animals, or Adam Sandler; You need a Snickers; You are the moral majority; You love to hate.

You are so self absorbed that you do own the road, are a political, athletic and intellectual super-genius, and your ass smells like freshly baked pumpkin pie.  Slam yourself another Bud, settle down to watch TMZ on your HD, and go to work tomorrow to discuss Michael Jackson’s estate with your co-workers so you can share with them glimpses of your unquestionable brilliance.  You’re right, you know it, so does everyone else even if they won’t admit it, and things that don’t directly involve you simply don’t matter. 

You are an ass. Congrats!


1 Comment

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Wow, that felt great! You know what else?

TMundo's picture

You think everyone is always on Facebook 24 hours a day to hear what you just did; You think Fox News speaks the truth, but all the other news stations tell lies; You think because your parents are catholics that that means your a christian; you think war is a good thing; you think all Iranians are bad and evil like their president; you think that holding a sign in front of an abortion clinic will actually prevent abortion (does it?); you think Jesus wanted you to kill muslims; you think novellas and soap operas exhibit real behaviors; you like the music they play on MTV; You're on Facebook 24 hours a day to hear what everyone just did; you think black people don't act the same as whites in america because they are stupid; you've never left the border of your home town and don't think anything exists outside that border; you disagree with my opinion but sure can correct my spelling; you troll message boards; you think I'm being serious about everything I am saying; you think McDonalds is gourmet food; you think Dave Thomas works at Wendy's; you actually watch the whole superbowl and care vehemently about who wins; you have a favorite sports team and even though next year half the players from the year before won't be there you think it's still the same team; you think marijuana is illegal because people who smoke it are bad people; you think oil is the only form of energy; you love the subject you teach in class so much you forgot how to relate to your students;

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