Cthuhlu (pronounced "katie couric") is as coherent and fleshed-out as Sudanese kids at recess. It appears to be a correspondence-school scriptwriting assignment ripped from an HP Lovecraft story filmed by people with no budget and a very expensive camera. And it follows an estranged self-loathing gay son's return to the coastal Oregon town of his birth where he...I dunno. Gets a haircut? He does do that. Which might account for him acting fairly nonchalant in the face of abject lunacy. For example: finding the crucified remains of a kid-mysteriously-gone-missing hanging from his Brokeback Buddy's apartment porch after a night of running through sewers from demons. It would seem that close-cropped hair really helps you think straight (pardon the pun); therefore, I recommend the audience get one before viewing, because... fuck, man.
Anyhow, gay-son is called back to put his newlydead mother's estate in order. Why this is the case when her husband is still alive and his infertile sister lives at home is unclear...as is every subsequent milisecond of this flick. But his self-righteous preacher dad sure wants him to straighten up and make babies. Why? Well, DUH! So that he might become the rightful leader of an ocean cult, silly! So that "They" might come back from their exile in the sea... or return to it? To Utah? Got me. The only specific info on the matter is dished out at the docks by the one character for whom I felt any sympathy at all- a scared, old drunk waiting on sweet death.
What we do come to find out, through a series of homosexual psycho-adventures (ala Jacob's Ladder), is that the town is batshit. The population consists primarily of the building tenants from Rosemary's Baby and Tori Spelling. So, when, in lieu of a phone call, email, smoke signals, ANYTHING that might actually help her kid out before she dies, his mother decides to warn him about all of this crap from beyond the grave via a VHS tape hidden in a boiler, we know that he is truly fucked beyond hope. As is everyone else. Did I mention this is all set pre-apocalypse? Yep, it's all downhill for humanity and gay son once he gets the wood-carved tiki idol handed to him in his sleep by a dying car-accident victim. His childhood j.o. buddy proceeds to tell him that he always thought of passionate buttsex as a mere extension of their friendship and so doesn't want to be a "gay guy", a cop kicks his ass, his family is insulted, and Agent Smith from The Matrix buys his grandmother's house out from under him at auction. Without explanation. Thus it is nothing short of inveitable that he would be forced to bow to his father's and the town's wishes and father a bunch of...lizards? I think that's right. Lizards. With a crippled guy's wife. So that the sea monkeys might return. Yep.
Who knew gayness could be such a stupid, gothic miasma of a horror show? I did. I've seen the parades. And now this. To which I say, get a shrink.