Faster,

Pussycat. Kill. Kill.

*** Definite SPOILER ALERT *** but does anyone really care?

When first we meet him, D-wayne Johnson has done a dime standing on his head while pumping steroids directly into his trapezius and doing part-time work taking on all comers. This has earned him enough cash to buy a pristine vintage automobile parked in a junkyard in Bakersfield, Cee-Ay. Not content to use some of his jailhouse stash to call a cab following his release, D-Wayne elicits sympathy from the viewing audience by sprinting all the way to the junkyard, where he presses pedal to the metal in his haste to begin the body count.

D-wayne's reputation no doubt precedes him, since once arriving at the Pee Eye's office, he terrifies the permanent Pee Eye office fixture known at the Pee Eye bouncer. Oh, I forgot to mention that D-wayne has paid the Pee Eye's expenses from his jailhouse stash to track down a bunch of victims.

Victim#1 is hastily dispatched with a .50-cal snub-nose in full view of 461 office dweebs and a security cam. Unfortunately for the BK Pee Dee, they are unable to put two and two plus a full frontal of the shooter together in time to prevent the dispatch of Victim#33. Oh, I forgot to mention that an effeminate British-accented hit-person with a comely assistant has been hired to dispatch D-wayne, pretty much to no avail. Thus his/her fee of one dinar is recognized as mostly ludicrous and of nothing in particular, but we do get a lot of images of guns and bullets and stuff being racked—including the girlfriend's.

In a desperate attempt to appeal to the fundamentalist Christian movie viewer and the Parents Television Council in the event the movie is a direct-to-DVD release, Victim#79 and the entire foaming-at-the-mouth revival tent occupants are left to their own devices after a tearjerking encounter with Victim#88's family. Oh, I forgot to mention that D-wayne is finally hunted by the entire BK Pee Dee after someone comes to following a coma-induced donut repast during the filming of this movie and recognizes D-wayne as the driver for a ten-year-old bank robbery.

The effeminate British-accented hit-person with a comely assistant who he has married in the interim during which time they shoot guns in the desert, finally, after a couple of car chases where the vintage American automobile trounces the fancy European model on the freeway numerous times, catches up with D-wayne in the revival tent. Oh, I forgot to mention that HillBilly Bob Thornton—looking like he just crawled out of, out of, somewhere or other—shoots D-wayne in the head, but the bullet merely bounces off of his steel plate. (D-wayne's steel plate, not HillBilly Bob's steel plate.) Did I mention that D-wayne gets a steel plate implanted in his head?

The End.


3 Comments

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What more do you have to know?

FearlessFreep's picture

Might catch it on video.  If I'm REALLY bored.

 

Varla is gone.

RidingFool's picture

Sounds so bad it's good

TMundo's picture

and supposedly Varla was a decent girl, the movies she was in weren't nice, but she supposedly was. Right?  Kitten was involved with Jim Morrison if I'm not mistaken, and she's old an even bigger breasted than when she started.    

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