On Friday night I got drunk and went HAYWIRE! *** spoiler alert ***

Someone meets someone in a diner and the flashbacks begin while the heroine attaches herself to some random guy from the restaurant who lets her steal his brand-new auto while he accompanies her in the passenger seat and a deer enters through the back window (of the car, not the diner) after they run a roadblock, all while she is telling the noob about her escapade in Barcelona where she jumps and runs across multiple rooftops in Ireland to get to the airport in order that she might fly home to her famous-author father, at which time he tells her to be careful from his multi-million $$$ home/phone system, where, unbeknownst to famous-author father, private-firm secret agents await his daughter who is RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! where the private-security firm secret agents await, explaining to famous-author father that his beloved daughter is a wanted woman for murdering 500 people while she was in Europe or Barcelona or somewhere (or maybe it's Ireland), and then she gets away with her face-painting and lands on a beach in some sunny, unknown location where the chief private-firm secret agent is left to drown after he tries to jump over the big rock. And then Antonio Banderas, now clean-shaven and with a bikini babe sitting in his lap is, well, you get the idea.

Plot - No. None. 0. Zero. Nada. Rien. Nyet.

Pretty Points - Well, okay, I have to admit that the female lead is kinda hawt, in a neutral kind of way. Thankfully, she's not gorgeous. With her dark hair, dark eyes, a nice rack and a whisky-and-cigarette voice I'd like to wake up next to in the morning, I'd cook breakfast in the a.m. for her and then call a cab. No climbing out of my own window - which I admit to have done a time or two when I was a lot younger.

Breast factor - Well yeah, but we don't get to see them. Ever.

Kickass fight scenes - not enough of them. Even the ones that are there are kind of dull and boring, except for the hotel-room brouhaha.

Bonus travel points - none, unless you like rooftops. Probably filmed in Montreal, given the HMV in one of the backgrounds.

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BOTTOM LINE - If you're cold and sleepy and need a warm place to nap for a couple of hours (don't forget the ads and promos streaming by the whole time) after the wife or girlfriends throw you out in order for her assignation to take place in your own double-warmed bed, then this is the movie for you.


2 Comments

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Looks like a female version...

Rajah's picture

Of that Transporter dude 

Well, sort of. Except for the deer. And

RidingFool's picture

those Transporter movies had plot compared to this dog.

Arf.

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