MegaShark vs Giant Octopus - a review
(Wulfgar, I was thinking of you) SPOILER alert - there I got that stated. Not that any spoilers could possibly effect anyones potential enjoyment or lack thereof. After I saw this one at Blockbuster (yeah I go to Blockbuster), and considering I'd commented about the trailer for this one, there was no possible way I could not take a look at the entire thing. Besides, I like monster movies (duh just look at my screen name). So away we go.
Firstly, anyone who has seen five minutes of any documentary on glaciers understands the concept of how they work. Rivers of ice coming down from mountain tops. Rivers of ice move like rivers of water, just a lot slower. Things inside rivers of ice move like things in rivers of water. The idea that those things (specifically a very large shark and an equally massive octopus, from here on referred to as sharky and octopussy respectively) would move at the same speed for the stated millions of years, let alone how sharky and octopussy got on top of a glacier in the first place in order to form the beginning of the movie means the suspension of disbelief is in jeopardy already. But ok, let us overlook this one tiny detail, AND the horrific CGI (brought to you by a company called 'Tiny Juggernaut'. if you see this name listed anywhere in the credits on the back of a DVD or preview, stay away), and move on.
An Iowa class battleship is shown with the caption of it being a destroyer. The bridge set for the battleship, errrr, destroyer, is brought to you by a set designer whose never been anywhere near the bridge of any sized vessel. The same goes for all the 'bridge' scenes and there are a few. The control panels of the minisub that is in 3 separate scenes aren't even taped down to dispell the thought that they are the leftovers from the producer's daughters High School Musical 3 sticker sheets. Sharky is shown much more than the octopussy, so be prepared. During the 'dramatic' let's capture them on opposite sides of the Pacific scene, sharky (labeled during the flick as a Megaladon) is able to move at 500 knots. Yet later, when somehow the chase moves miraculously from the northern Pacific to the Finnish coast (has ANYONE involved in this dreck EVER looked at a globe?) the American submarine decides to submerge to outrun sharky and does so, because everyone knows subs move faster underwater than on the surface. The helmsman actually throws himself back in his seat to simulate the immense g-forces of full speed acceleration underwater as though he was driving a Lamborghini 0-60 on a test track. The Japanese sub is crewed by english speaking asians. Ok fine, I'll let that go, but when there's one crewman who speaks with a bad japanese accent it just makes for hilarity of a sort you'd expect from Bruce Campbell. This difference comes from the fact that Bruce doesn't take himself seriously, and this group does.
Someone on the American sub screams into the P.A. "everyone to the bridge!", naval surface guns are able to fire on and hit underwater objects; with no effect though, sharky can leap out of the water and catch moving aircraft, octopussy can swat single seater F-15's out of the sky, everyone gets excited over and over again when torpedos hit anything for no effect, naval commanders are calling out 'target destroyed' when no such thing has occured (i don't know why but during those scenes i had eerie flashbacks to a former presidents proclamation of 'Mission Accomplished'), submarines come to a complete stop when the helmsman freaks and stands up yet STILL can't be caught by sharky, American submarines are said to move around in wolfpacks, sonars have blips then suddendly have photographic images of critters, octopussy catches the Japanese sub it dwarfs in two separate tentacles and although the psuedo-Japanese are falling all over the wannabe bridge and screaming the vessel remains intact; same goes for the American sub when sharky finally does catch up and grips said submarine in its maw, the minisub makes a final appearance, this time out of thin air, oops, water, still intact after sharky almost had a snack, and then the climatic fight scene between the critters at the end when you're just hoping against hope that they'll get at least that right, fails. I won't get into the details, but it defied ANY intelligence (and octopussy was earlier in the flick said to have SOME). And I'm just skimming the surface. Debbie, errrr, Deborah Gibson is the one actress (yeah i'm being kind here) in Hollywood who hasn't gotten a nosejob. If you like the Barbra Streisand look, she's for you (Rajah). She did manage to get a love subplot worked into the 'script'. It came off with all the fireworks and chemistry I'd expect between 2 barnacles. Lorenzo Lamas has seemingly taken the full course at William Shatner's overactors school for the inept and emerged as valedictorian, while a lot of his classmates got jobs in this drivel. The cast of the second grade performance of Saint Lucia's Day I played a knight in HAD to have been more convincing in their roles, or at the very least more realistic. (Thanks Mrs Helgasen, I do remember it)
Overall, my girlfriend was kind of irked at my attempts to stifle (unsuccessfully I might add) my continual giggling at the overabundance of idiocy I was viewing. If watching abominably bad monster movies is fun for you, I can say I laughed at this one throughout. If on the otherhand you like movies that have coherant scripts, sets, actors, or much of anything coherant, and you want proof jesus died in vain, watch this.