New Moon

Forgive me for a play on words but the Movie version of Stephanie Meyer's supernatural romance book "Twilight", just plain sucked. The two main actors were incredibly bad, both in talent and emotional range.

New Moon, however was done somewhat better. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that Kristen Stewart is depressed for three quarters of the movie. Really really depressed. Kristen Stewart, who lacks the ability to make a single facial expression, does depression better than anything else.

Adding to the improvement train is the fact that Robert Pattinson's character Edward is absent for most of the story. If anyone beats Kristen Stewart in the bad actor's award, it's Robert Pattinson. Thankfully, Tyler Lautner, apparently on steroids, has more talent than the two main actors combined, which isn't a compliment exactly because 0 plus 0 still equals 0.

I had to endure the moans of annoying teenagers bound within the theatre with me to see this flick, on top of having had to find a babysitter who was willing to watch a teething four month old. Seven year olds behind me were heard to distinctly whisper "Why isn't Laurent sparkling in the sun? Because he's Black" which made me even more annoyed as the audience proceeded to text each other throughout the movie. Come hell or high water I was determined to see New Moon. Was it worth the effort? Meh.





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Funny review

Rajah's picture

You should have seen Zombieland

more, you need to give some info on the storyline...

TMundo's picture


For you, T Mundo:

scarlet_ohara's picture

After a minor snaffu with Edward's (Pattinson) vampire family, Edward decides to be a drama queen and break up with Bella (Stewart). He leaves abruptly, abandoning her in the middle of nowhere so as to ensure a speedy death. She is rescued by a shirtless Indian, who is a bigger, scarier version of Ralph Machio in the Karate kid.

Bella's buddy Jacob (Lautner) turns out to have drama queen written all over him as well. Apparently, Bella likes guys who treat her like the annoying, submisive ninny that she is. Jacob (finally) hits puberty and becomes a werewolf, because Indians, being in touch with nature, can do cool shit like that. The only one who can't do anything is Bella, whose one supernatural power is the power of uselessness.

Being so utterly useless, vampire Victoria decides to but Bella and everyone else around her out of their misery, and begins to go after her in flambouyent, impractical ways; to the music of Emo rock blasting in the background. Meanwhile, Bella, still in self-destruct mode since her Eurotrash Edward left, has an infatuation with danger. Whenever she does something dangerous, she can see and hear Edward. (In the book it was only his voice, but Pattinson's voice is so creepy it wouldn't make much of an effect)

Thus, Bella jumps off a cliff and nearly dies, to be rescued again by Jacob who dog-paddles her to the shore. WARNING *There are lots of scenes where Jacob takes his shirt off. Teenaged girls and old ladies in the audience are constantly chanting "woo hoo!" Vomit in mouth.

In the end, everything turns out honkey dorey and Jacob and Edward realise thier feelings for each other and start an interspecies relationship. And that is the story of Brokeback Moon.


Scarlet, can I rework this a

jazzdrive3's picture

Scarlet, can I rework this a little bit and post it as an official review?



scarlet_ohara's picture

Please do so, Jazz. I'm happy to write anytime!

I'll never understand the whole teenagers/vampire thing

Rajah's picture

I've tried watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They're just boring to me. And this bearing of hairless chests, who is that suppose to appeal to, screaming horny teenage girls? In "300" they were clearly trying to appeal to a gay crowd with their bear chested men and the Boy George version of Xerxes.

What's up with the giant wolves? The best werewolf movie will now and forever be "American Werewolf in London". Werewolves shouldn't look like regular wolves. They are a mixture of wolf and the evil of humans. Real wolves are not evil. And the wolves I saw in the trailer sucked. As much as I hate CGI, I really hate bad CGI. I'm curious to see how Beano del Torro's "Wolfman" turns out.

I've never understood the whole teenage anything

Coaster's picture

And I raised a couple of 'em.  It's a generational thing.  Nowadays, my relationship with teens is me pretty much just me sitting on my porch and shouting at them, "Get off of my lawn!"

I don't know anything about wolves in a trailer, but

RidingFool's picture

I once had a pirhana in my bedroom.

The teens/vampires thing...

scarlet_ohara's picture

I once read that the appeal of vampires has to do with the metaphorical repression of the innermost desires. With teens, that's usually sex. (Not neccisarily by choice, but because at that point, you're poor, you have no car, and you live with your parents)

Anywho, the idea that the thing you crave most is going to get you and everyone around you into trouble is sort of an everyday thing for teens. With Twilight particularly (And other good-guy vampire series like some of the Anne Rice books) the idea is of a vampire trying to deny who he is, to try to be someone else. Trying to pretend to be someone he's not. Also a teen thing. (And a few white house dinner guests as well.)

As for werewolves, I agree that the American werewolf in London was pretty good, though the shapeshifter type of werewolf has been pretty popular lately. Have you read/seen Blood and Chocolate? Those wolves were "real" wolves and the transformation scenes were done beautifully. The Twilight wolves aren't actually the traditional type of werewolf. They turn into animal wolves and can't spread the wolf ability by biting someone else. Either you're born able to do that or you're not. They can't change someone else.

I've had numerous conversations analyzing the literature of Twilight because I teach in a high school. If only kids would put as much thought into Shakespeare...




I've heard AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS was pretty awful

FearlessFreep's picture

In one scene a guy who's about to go bungee-jumping off the Eiffel Tower(!) sees a suicidal girl jump off, so he jumps after her and manages to catch up and grab her.  So much for Galileo's law about objects falling at the same speed.

I recall liking the original WOLFMAN with Lon Chaney Jr.


Dunno about that...

West_Coast_Dude's picture

...I thought the shower scene with Jenny Agutter was pretty good.

And the guy's dead friend who keeps turning up all over the place.

Dunno about that...

West_Coast_Dude's picture

Whoops - wrong movie. That was LONDON, not Paris. D'oh.

Not one of Julie Delpy's best roles...

TMundo's picture basically was a remake of the older film in London.  But London's special effects were so ahead of their time and over the top, the paris version had nothing great to offer.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas

Rajah's picture

How he got in my pajamas I'll never know

I shot an elephant in your pajamas, too.

Wulfgar's picture

It's a fetish of mine, killing endangered species while wearing another person's clothes.


Next up: lethal injection on a California Condor in my Mom's wedding dress!



...did I say that out loud...?




~No, my young padawan; this one is mine.~


Ah, so it's more along the lines of a shape shifter

Rajah's picture

Like a shaman shifting into animal forms

There was also an operetta movie called NEW MOON

FearlessFreep's picture

It was a Nelson Eddy-Jeanette McDonald vehicle, with Eddy singing "Stout Hearted Men," and a song about shining shoes with the lines "Everything from boot to pump/Suddenly my heart goes bump!" It wasn't one of their more successful films.


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