Severed Ways - The Norse Discovery of America
Yeah, it's a movie review.
Calling this a movie is to say the least generous, to say the most a travesty of film. I'd say spoilers but since I'd recommend this ONLY to the Cinematic Titanic gang, and even that group would be dumbfounded by this piece of crap, they aren't truly spoilers.
The Norse Discovery of America. I'm a history person, my girlfriend would say history turns me on. So be it. I like history. Actually, I love history. So when she popped up in front of me (after bending over and showing off that ass, oh my yes) and showed me the title I was game. The Norse Discovery of America, woohoo! This can't be ALL bad can it? All this movie was, was an excuse to watch director/actor/writer and more Tony Stone take a shit on film, which he does early on in this one. Unfreakingbelievable. 2 Vikings got stranded in America in 1007. Yeah ok plausible. They dink around for a while then decide to head for Newfoundland where they know there's a base. Ok, again, plausible. Tony Stone and companion head north. They run into missionaries. Ok mAAAAAAAAybe. The story plays out like Blair Witch, the Viking version. It's a character story, about characters you can't possibly care about, even if you're from Ballard or Minnesota/North Dakota. Tony and his pal have the charisma of Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. They wear helmets without horns, Skraelings are involved, and there are runes on various objects. Besides that, it could have been Adam Sandler and Jack Black running around in the woods during an SCA weekend. (yeah, the acting was THAT good) There didn't need to be a dialog coach, there were MAYBE 30 words uttered, in 'norse', with the appropriate english subtitles at the bottom of the screen. Just the subtitles usage of the english language was laughable, and not in a good way. Staring at a tree off camera and looking bored, or tired, or constipated, or befuddled, isn't acting Mr Stone. In this case it's just bad, and not the fun kind of bad turtles like. It's not nuclear, but that's only because Al-Qieda or some Palin-Teabagging-Jim Gibbons-esque cult might steal the isotopes this off this site, like the Chinese spam it. Avoid this movie at ALL costs, no matter how drunk you are.