Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Bomb Rating: 

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first "Anaconda" sucked. This is like missing a volleyball-sized growth on your penis. Suddenly you're in a public shower one day or working out and somebody says "Hey, Mr. Cranky, is that a volleyball in your pants or do you have a growth on your penis?" and you look down, look surprised, and exclaim, "You're right, observant person, that is a growth on my penis!"

I mean seriously, how exactly did this film come about? Did somebody see the first film and think: "Gee, we really need to capitalize off of this" or more likely: "Let's really kill Morris Chestnut's career." Not that Chestnut really had a career, but he's the only actor of note in this film so it stands to reason that somebody had a vendetta against him.

This doesn't mean much, but I will say that this film is better than the first one. I guess that's like saying getting hit by a compact car is better than getting hit by an SUV, so take it for what it's worth. "Anacondas" is "Aliens" with snakes, more or less, with enough stolen sequences from that film to make one a little ill. The Paul Reiser character is played by Matthew Marsden, who's Dr. Jack Byron. He and partner Gordon (Chestnut) head to Borneo in search of the blood orchid, which will supposedly extend the human life. Shortly after arriving and renting Bill Johnson's (Johnny Messner) boat, they discover that Anacondas are in breeding season (and are eating various members of the trip), but Jack keeps pushing forward and manipulating the trip so he can get to the blood orchid.

Director Dwight H. Little's major contribution to this film is the rediscovery, if it was ever truly lost, of the monkey reaction shot. See, Captain Bill has a pet monkey and pretty much every single time something bad is happening or going to happen, Little cuts to the monkey screeching or making a funny face. Really, the only place you're likely to find more monkey reaction shots is at the upcoming Republican National Convention.

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