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A question to ponder:
Why do I subject myself to the shit that spews from MTV?
Day after day I sit down with my six pack of Widmer Hefeweizen and watch the days offerings on my new satellite dish. I flip through the 100 plus channels I have subscribed to, the Home and Garden Network, the three ESPN channels, the twelve shopping channels. Yet I always seem to stop at MTV. Here I am greeted by the happy smiling face of Carson Daly. I sit in my recliner looking at this asshole but can't look away. I ponder how a man such as this can have a beautiful young woman such as Jennifer Love Hewitt. How a man without any real personality can have a girl with such voluptuously fake breasts. I reassure myself that she is probably as void of intellect as he is of charm and wit. So alas I leave poor Carson to interview (ie lick the ass of) the next one hit wonder. Off I go clicking happily the buttons on my pie plate sized remote. But A&E leaves me empty and E! makes me yearn. For what I do not know. I click, but somehow, someway I land back at MTV. Now A 6'6" freak is on my screen. His name is Jesse. He doesn't seem very bright, but who on that god forsaken channel is. I'm mesmerised by the reak of stupidity wafting from Mr. Camp's squirrelly hair. He's with an eighties hair band that know one has heard from since, well, the eighties. I can't take anymore of his fucking voice so I again click the remote to fX where an old episode of the A-Team is playing out on the screen. Face is getting the chicks, B.A. is styling with the gold, Murdock is being Murdock, and Hannibal...well he watches over them all. He's coordinating the installation of a two hundred and sixty-eight pound bumper onto the front of a '80 mustang or something. Regardless I watched the same fucking episode 23 hours ago so I turn the channel. Ahh!!!!!!! The news. Good old news. It just ain't the same now that they aren't talking about sucking people off anymore so...click. Shit. mtv. Why do always go back? A Road Rules commercial. They're fighting. What a fucking surprise. Wait what is this? A commercial for a new movie? What is this movie that boasts, Paul Rudd of "Clueless", "Romeo and Juliet", and "The Object of My Affection" fame? Dave Chappelle, another fine actor. I think he appeared in that wonderful little indie flick, "Joe's Apartment" as well as the delightful "Woo". I must run out and watch it now. So I leap from the recliner spilling the bag of chips on my lap as I dash for the door. Straight to the car, little children in the middle of the road be damned I will see 200 Cigarettes this evening. I get my ticket (What a surprise it isn't sold out!!!). Over to the concessions for soe popcorn and a (yuck, these bastards Regal Cinemas got rid of Coca-Cola) Mt. Dew. Into the theater I sprint. I hope I can find a good seat. Low and behold it's just me and two gay men in the theater. For the love of Scorsese why is it so empty. I now sit in anticipation of the movie. The previews come on and the two same sex lovers begin to make out. What a cute couple they make. Now the credits roll. That's interesting it's a MTV production. I hope it is better than their last few flix. Thirty minutes into the movie I am trying to give myself a lobotomy through my eye socket with my Mt. Dew poisoned straw. Curse MTV and their shoddy productions.
Now I sit legally blind in my left eye, not able to fully enjoy my new flat screen television because I have lost my depth perception. They will hear from my lawyers.
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