In between swords and spears being splutched into flying torsos and heads in slow motion, director Zack ("Dawn of the Dead") Snyder's "300" is laughably silly. As an adaptation of Frank Miller's graphic novel recounting the Battle of Thermopylae, it tries to simultaneously appease historians and make the geek sector wet. If you are a "Lord of the Rings" fan, you will no doubt come euphorically unglued when Spartan King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) is approached by Ephialtes (Andrew Tiernan), who looks like a cross between Gollum and The Elephant Man. Leonidas is taking his 300 men into battle against hundreds of thousands of Persians and Ephialtes just wants to help. Leonidas refuses because, if I remember his explanation correctly, the canyon isn't ADA accessible.

Prior to his meeting with Ephialtes, Leonidas visits the Ephors and their oracle. The Ephors are a group of Spartan officials who sit high atop a mountain that Leonidas has to climb in his sandals. The oracle is a young, beautiful girl and the Ephors apparently lick her to get the information they need. They also seem to watch "The English Patient" over and over again because they all look and sound exactly like Ralph Fiennes after his character got burned. I mean, where in the world would an "English Patient" fan club meet anyway? It would have to be on top of a generally inaccessible mountain, I think. This leads to Leonidas's utter contempt for their opinion of his plan to save Sparta.

The point of the movie is that the warriors are the true heroes of any battle and the manliest of men. Prior to departing Sparta, Leonidas bones his wife, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey), during a night of passion that, stopped at any point for a photo still, would make an excellent Calvin Klein ad. After Leonidas leaves, I was positive that his political enemy, Theron (Dominic West), would rape Gorgo because that's just what political snakes like Theron do when manly men are away plunging their spears into their enemies and marveling at the geysers of blood. Either you're manly or worthy of contempt, which is ultimately why Leonidas rejects Ephialtes's offer to fight. It's even more of an issue when Leonidas meets the Persian leader Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). Xerxes is an 8-foot tall make-up and jewelry-wearing freak who, although menacing, also looks like he could break out into a rendition of "Karma Chameleon" at any moment. By comparison, Leonidas is bearded, muscular, and not afraid to tote his junk around in a testicle hammock.

If only what happened in Sparta had stayed in Sparta.