(500) Days of Summer

Bomb Rating: 

You would think that there are only so many movies that can be made where boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl stomps his heart with her Birkenstocks and then instantly gets married to someone else but no, Hollywood has an endless barrel of scripts that follow exactly that formula. The proof is “(500) Days of Summer,” the latest semi-romantic stomach-churner to be unleashed upon battle-hardened audiences.

From the opening shot, it looks like maybe there is hope for this quaint portrayal of love gone foul. After all, we are treated with a narrative that moves forward and backward in time, a favored tactic amongst first time directors whose previous experience consists mainly of music videos. But after a few more minutes it becomes clear that the only thing this movie shares with “Memento” is that same feeling of wanting to pull out my own entrails and fashion a crude noose. Only this time, it’s not because the film’s story is so crushingly dark – rather, it’s simply because I know I will probably lose fewer brain cells through auto-erotic asphyxiation than if I remained conscious for the duration of “(500) Days of Summer.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: a straight-laced boy falls for a quirky girl but get this: she doesn’t believe in love. Instead of running for the hills like any sane man would, he instead subjects both his soul and his penis to a series of never-ending tortures at the hands of his callous objet d’amour.

Let’s face it – it’s the dude who played the kid in the show about those aliens (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – so he probably didn’t read the script before signing across the dotted line and thanking his lucky stars that anyone actually remembers he is still alive. His love interest, portrayed by Zooey Deschanel is attractive in the way that spitting cobras are hypnotic, all big eyes and hair until they launch corrosive, acidic venom into your eyes and eat your heart for breakfast.

By the end of the movie, I was left wondering if there were any actors remaining in Hollywood who hadn’t played these exact same two roles at some point in their careers. Where would they dig up the next two losers to fail at romance in 35 mm? Would Vin Diesel fall hard for Whoopi Goldberg? Would Jessica Simpson coldly shut down that guy from the “time to make the donuts” commercials?

No matter which scenario I imagined, it made me shudder to my very core. Do yourself a favor and preserve at least a few illusions about how happy your life could eventually turn out to be. Avoid this film and instead stay at home with your collection of tiny dolls made out of your ex-girlfriend’s locks of hair.

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Average: 2.3 (4 votes)

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Wow, a Cranky masterpiece!

Scumby's picture

Autoerotic asphyxiation by one's own entrails lolol

Hopefully Mr. C has more where that came from.

But-but I can't avoid it!

Rajah's picture

Zooey is in it!

For a monent there I thought Levitt might be too young cause he looked so young in Third Rock. Turns out they're both the same age, 28. I'm sure Cranky missed some Zooey magic she added to this film. Don't worry, Rajah will find it!

Seriously, Levitt is a very talented actor

nickumoh's picture

Watch "Brick" and "The Lookout" and tell me I'm wrong. I actually saw "Stop-Loss" & "Mysterious Skin" (2nd gayest movie I've ever seen. #1 Bad Education, #3 Breakfast on Pluto, #4 Party Monster. I'm open minded, but I'm so through watching those movies) just because of him. Fortunately for him, none of those movies were formulaic.

I'l probably watch it now because he's in it. Don't care much for Zooey. She's not bad though. The only girl I absolutely have to see in any movie is Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Awesome review! Is it asking too much to get a caption contest going. The last one was Fast & Furious and that's already out on DVD.

...what...what were talking about again?

Maggie was great in The Secretary

Rajah's picture

I love a woman who can hold her water!


nickumoh's picture

She was great in that movie. The concept was so out there, and I can't say I know anything about that kind of thing (S&M). But that movie really got to me somehow.

...what...what were talking about again?

Cranky wrote that review?

Sharny's picture

I highly doubt it.

Just two examples of why I'm sure it wasn't his work:

"..I know I will probably loose fewer brain cells.."

"..at some point in there careers.."

He didn't write it

Rajah's picture

check the authors link at the bottom of the page

Well done, Mr. Hunting

Scumby's picture

Whoever you are. 

What this movie was really about

Rajah's picture

You don't get to choose who you're going to fall in love with and chances are that person isn't going to love you back. She told him throughout the movie that they were going to be just friends but of course he didn't listen. Hell, he couldn't listen, he was in love. Logic has nothing to do with it. Love has no reason, he had no choice in the matter. It wasn't like she was leading him on, it just wasn't there.

glad you guys liked the review

Anonymous's picture

i love reading the positive comments - and all the jokes that get squeezed in too.

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