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INT. CAVE
Our intrepid band of Crankies emerge from a passageway. They are dirty, tired, and dishelved.
HH: What's "dishelved" mean?
The others shrug.
WULF: Fucker's using a thesaurus, probably.
SPEAKER4DATA: Hey, guys, I gotta go to the bathroom. Can we take a pit stop?
HH: Sure. Okay . . . this cave over here is the Little Boy's Room, and that cave over there is the Little Girl's room. Got it?
SKILLY: *ahem*
HH: Oh, right, sorry. And that cave over there is the Insatiable Whore's Room.
SKILLY: Thanks.
The Crankies break up. HH and Speaker4data head into the little boy's room, Psue into the little girl's room, and Skilly . . . well, you get the picture. Wulf stands in the middle of the room, clearly torn between his need to urinate and his mad desire to make sweet monkey love to Skilly. He sits there for so long, lost in contemplation, that he actually forgets which cave is which.
WULF: Aw, shit. Something embarrasing is gonna happen to me soon. I just know it.
Crossing his fingers, Wulf drops his pants around his ankles and heads into one of the caves. There is a moment of silence, then we hear a terrible shrieking.
HH: Ouch! Why? What'd I do??? What'd I do???
SPEAKER4DATA: Jesus, Wulf, he's your *brother*!!!!
Wulf hurries out of the cave, pulling up his pants as he goes. He has a rather sheepish expression on his face.
WULF: Uh . . . sorry, bro. Just playing with you, you know?
HH'S VOICE: (weak) It hurts so bad . . .
WULF: Err . . . now which cave was Skilly in again . . .?
PSUE'S VOICE (hopeful) This one!
WULF: Nice try, bookworm!
Laughing like a maniac, he drops his pants and runs into the third cave.
WULF: Skilly? Skilly?
Suddenly Wulf begins to scream--a high-pitched, keening noise. This is followed by inhuman screeching and wailing, and the sound of rending flesh. The other Crankies rush out of their respective caves and stare into the darkness apprehensively.
HH: What is that? What the fuck is that?
SPEAKER4DATA: I recognize that sound. It's the mating call of the fearsome Monkey Butler.
PSUE: Jesus . . .
Suddenly, the horrible sounds of torture disappear. Skilly emerges from the cave, nonchalantly picking her teeth with a fragment of Wulf's shattered pelvis.
SPEAKER4DATA: Or it could just be Skilly.
SKILLY: I *told* him he couldn't handle me. . .
Psue goes to Hairhead and puts her arms around him.
PSUE: Are you okay, kid? You can cry if you want to. It can't be easy to lose your brother like that . . .
Hairhead looks incredulous.
HH: Cry? Over *that*? Jesus, lady, this is just a fucking fanfic.
PSUE: Oh.
HH: Let's get going, okay?
Skilly burps. Not through her mouth.
SKILLY: Fine by me.
The remaining Crankies head down the tunnel, getting ever-closer to the treasure of One-Eyed Cranky. . .
COMING SOON: The Booty Trap
--Slater
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