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INT. A LARGE CHAMBER
The remaining members of the Crankies enter a large stone chamber. A massive machine covers the far wall, comprised of stone levers, gears, and pulleys.
SPEAKER4DATA: Wow. That's a massive machine comprised of stone levers, gears, and pulleys.
HH: Definitely.
PSUE: Hey, look, there's instructions.
Sure enough, they gather around a stone placard inscribed with ancient writing which, fortunately and inexplicably, is in perfect English.
"Lever, button, scale, knob,
Just complete one little job.
Get it right and you're in luck.
Hey, is that Skilly? Wanna fuck?"
Everyone stares at the placard, then at Skilly. She shrugs, bored by all of this.
HH: Damn, you really *have* been around . . .
PSUE: "Lever, button, scale, knob . . ." Oh, I get it--it's a puzzle. We have to rearange these sections of the machine in the order they appear in the rhyme. Trust me--we did this back in Analytical Problem Solving 342.
She goes to work on the machine.
HH: Wow, you really learned a lot in college, huh?
Psue smiles, cheerful.
PSUE: Yup. :)
She pulls a lever on the machine. Instantly, a gigantic blade whips out of wall and slices off the top of her skull. Psue stands there for a moment, her freshly-exposed brain pulsating, a look of confusion on her face.
PSUE: Ow. >:0
She slumps over, dead. The other Crankies stare at her.
SPEAKER4DATA: Wow. Why do I get the feeling that a lot of people are gonna start dying pretty soon?
SKILLY: Because the fucking idiot author is running outta ideas.
SPEAKER4DATA: Oh yeah.
Frustrated, he angrily kicks the machine. It suddenly springs to life, rumbling and humming. The three remaining Crankies quickly back away from it, looking nervous.
A few seconds later, a gigantic boulder smashes through the wall and goes barraling down the hallway, narrowly missing the cowering Crankies. They stare at the retreating boulder in dismay.
SPEAKER4DATA: Great. Now we're parodying "Indiana Jones".
HH: It could be worse, I guess . . .
SPEAKER4DATA: How?
On cue, a tiny figure walks out through the gaping hole the boulder smashed in the wall. He is a short, familiar-looking creature, sporting large sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap.
E.T., THE RAPPIN' EXTRATERRESTRIAL: Yo, yo, yo, I be E.T., the rappin' Extraterrestrial, back up in your motherfuckin' face!
He does an impromptu break-dancing session for them, rapping along.
E.T.: The eighties were good for my man E.T., smokin' fine chronic, a kilo a G, but twenty years later, a brutha's gotta eat, slinging some hash just like Backstreet . . .
HH: Can we make him stop?
SKILLY: I can make him stop...
A strange glow has lit up her face. She suddenly looks hungry. She moves toward E.T. the Rappin' Extraterrestrial.
E.T.: Bitches gettin' wild up'n here! Represent!
Speaker4data and Hairhead exchange a glance.
SPEAKER4DATA: Maybe we'd better leave them alone. . .
HH: Definitely.
The two Crankies head down the newly-exposed passageway, leaving their new alien buddy to the mercy of the insatiable Skilly.
CUT TO:
INT. CAVE
Godmother walks down the passageway, far ahead of Nick and Mia, who are still bickering loudly.
MIA: and then i'll tie you up in the basement and make you beg me for death but i won't give it to you oh no nick the perv that would be too easy and this is supposed to be fun isn't it?
NICK: Listen, you faghag cuntrag, when I get done smashing your brains out with a hammer, I'm gonna videotape your corpse and show it to your grandmother, and then--
Godmother sighs and rolls her eyes.
GODMOTHER FRATELLI: Kids suck.
Seconds later, she discovers another thing that sucks--gigantic rolling boulders. The boulder steamrolls her instantly, creating Fratelli paste on the floor of the cave. Nick and Mia immediately shut up.
NICK: Holy shit. Ma . . .
MIA: does that make you horny nick the perv i bet it does
Nick doesn't answer, because he's busy running for his life. It takes Mia a second to catch on, and then she's running right behind him.
MIA: hey nick the perv wouldn't you like it if that boulder rolled right up your asshole i bet you would
He ignores her. The boulder is gaining on them. Suddenly, Nick spies something.
NICK: Quick, in here!
He dives into a narrow recess in the wall, safely out of harm's way. Mia follows him. The boulder rumbles closer.
NICK: I meant *me*, not you.
He gives her a nice, hard shove, and Mia disappears underneath the boulder with a hideous crunching noise. The boulder continues down the hallway. Nick smiles, a look of utter bliss on his face.
NICK: Heh.
CUT TO:
INT. CAVE
The trolls are busy arguing which one of them is the bigger badass, surely one of the most brilliant debates in the history of human civilization.
LIQUID SUNSHINE: And then this other time, this newbie showed up and said, "Hey, dont you guyz ever talk about moovies?" And so I said, only when we're fucking your mom in the ass!
The others cheer appreciatively.
LIQUID SUNSHINE: And then he wrote, "What does that mean? I'm seven years old." So I explained to him all about ass-fucking, and then he went and tried it on his infant sister!! *THAT*'s how much of a badass I am!
DARKER CONQUEROR: Yo mamma!
HATE GUY: That's nothing. This one time, everybody was doing a poll about their three favorite sweetest posters in Crankyland, and I jumped in and said, "Why don't you faggots all go suck a dick?" I'm telling you--it was hilarious.
X-MOUTH: Big deal. This one time I was fisting a goat, and I had my arm jammed so far up there--I mean, this was *really* far up there, that I was able to operate the goat like a sock puppet, and I started using the goat's hooves to type my post!!
The others stare at him, disgusted.
X-MOUTH: Oops, I mean: Democrats suck!
The others cheer appreciatively.
The boulder rumbles along, cheerfully crushing Hate Guy.
The others cheer appreciatively.
DARKER CONQUEROR: Yo mamma!
to be continued . . .
--Slater
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