A Campaign Without Balls

I have but one question for the Democratic National Committee and the John Kerry campaign: Where are your fucking balls?

Oh, wait, I remember where they are. The Republicans have them. That's right, John Kerry and everybody on the Democratic National Committee: The Republicans are holding your balls. They are resting in the hands of Karl Rove, the Swift Boat Veterans, and all the other people who've been defining your message for you. They're squeezing down harder than a hydraulic press on a license plate and all any of you can do is sit there and whine.

Since Kerry's campaign manager is a woman, I'd like to point out that I'm using the term "balls" as a euphemism, a euphemism for the inescapable fact that whatever message America has about the Democrats and Kerry has been utterly and completely defined by the Republican Party. Who is John Kerry? Well, as far as America knows, he's a flip-flopping anti-war activist who may have injured himself to collect one of his war medals. That's pretty much it. Who's John Edwards? He's one of those evil trial lawyers responsible for somehow jacking up all our health care costs.

Since I'm apparently on some list somewhere as "less than thrilled" with the job performance of Idiot in Chief George W. Bush, I get a phone call or e-mail or tug on the coat from a beggar child about every fifteen seconds imploring me to give money to the DNC. Memo to the DNC: Save yourself the stamp, because you fuckers would be lucky to get me to send you the lint out of my belly button. I don't really know what you're all about because while George Bush is running around glibly repeating the phrases "flip-flopper," "war on terrorism" and "the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein," your campaign managers and the DNC are running around with their heads so far up their asses that I'm more likely to see photos of their colonoscopy before I'm ever going to see you and the Dems fight back. Are you seriously trying to convince the American people that you're going to be any good at fighting the war on terrorism when you can't even whip these mealy-mouthed, lying, sack-of-shit Republican bastards? I hate these guys like nobody's business, but I have to tell you, they're kicking your ass up and down America when it comes to campaigning. And when somebody tells me that they're all depressed about the concept that George W. Bush might win the upcoming election, I tell them this: If the Democrats can't even run a campaign, how can we expect them to run the White House? I hope to God this makes fucking sense to you, because all those undecided voters out there who are going to determine the outcome of this election are thinking the EXACT SAME THING.

The New York Times recently reported that the Democrats are shaking in their boots thinking that Karl Rove was the one who released the questionable National Guard documents on George W. so that he could defuse the whole issue of Bush's service. You know, frankly, if Rove was smart enough to actually pull that off, more power to him. Would you people stop sitting around whining and get off your asses and fight? Where is that fucking guy who supplied George W. Bush with his cocaine? You need to find that guy and put him on television. I don't know if you've noticed, but the War in Iraq is not going well. Furthermore, the Iraq fiasco has fundamentally damaged the security of the United States by overextending our military and making it impossible for us to respond should a real emergency occur. Bush went into Iraq looking for chemical and nuclear weapons. Am I the only fucking one who knows where those WMDs are? I'll tell you: They're in Iran and North Korea! How is it that Bush has been able to convince Americans that he did anything good by invading Iraq? Even while his own administration puts out reports predicting that prospects for Iraq over the next five years range from "complete disaster" to "all-encompassing shitstorm," Bush is still out on the campaign trail spouting off about what a great thing he did. Afghanistan is still in a shambles too. Bush's strength is one huge joke that you Democrats could deflate by simply pointing out the obvious, yet you continue with the compound sentences. Stop with the compound sentences. Nobody likes compound sentences anymore.

Bush's strength is his willingness to attack and his decisiveness. I can't say this strongly enough, but YOU NEED TO UNDERMINE THAT, you fucking losers. You should be running commercials every day showing Bush reading that goat story to those kids as the planes were slamming into the World Trade Center. You need to run commercials every day showing Iranian and North Korean scientists working on their nuclear programs (or do a reenactment for Christ's sake) and then show a huge mushroom cloud. You need to run pictures of American soldiers (or innocent Iraqis) under fire in Iraq and the rest of the chaotic situation over there and then ask the American people this question: Is the world safer today than it was four years ago? It's almost inconceivable to think that this is an administration that actually thought that the Iraqis would welcome us with open arms. Would you welcome somebody who couldn't even provide you with electricity and clean water? Suddenly, Saddam Hussein is looking a whole lot better to them and they have George W. Bush to thank for it. Is there any American who would vote Republican if all you could get were a couple of hours of electricity each day and some dirty water? Give it four more years and you might find out.
How in the fuck did George W. Bush make 9/11 a positive thing? I'll tell you how: Because you Democrats are sitting around on your hands. Given that the sitting President gets blamed for the current state of the economy, let's blame Bush for 9/11. I'm not saying I think Bush had all that much chance of stopping 9/11 (though those memos about Al-Qaeda hijacking planes that hit Condi Rice's desk do make you wonder), but who fucking cares? Have the Republicans been saying anything even remotely truthful? Everybody under the sun, Democrat and Republican alike, said that nothing backed up the Swift Boat Veterans, yet regular Americans still believe that shit. The point is: There's a possibility Bush and his minions could have done something about 9/11 and there's enough evidence out there to suggest there was a chance, so run a commercial asking if there was more he could have done. Americans aren't smart enough to do the research on that one and they'll start to wonder if a guy who can barely put two sentences together could put two and two together in a security document.

And incidentally, while we're on the subject of the stupidification of our country, run a montage of every gaffe George W. Bush has ever made and jam it into a 30 second commercial (if that's humanly possible). While Bush has been slashing and burning the American educational system, Americans are getting dumber right along with our President. This benefits Republicans. By and large, the undereducated classes are voting Republican because they go to church, they like shooting things, and they're constantly in fear of their home being invaded by gay people, commies and terrorists. EDUCATION AND INTELLIGENCE ARE GOOD THINGS! How hard can it be to get people thinking that our President is a bonehead? Nobody is going to vote for somebody they don't respect. I honestly think that people want to believe that their President is smarter than they are.

Another strength of George W. Bush and the Republicans is that they're constantly running around talking about lowering people's taxes. I can tell you this: Everyone loves lower taxes. This country loves money. And the Republicans are whipping your asses over the tax issue. Have any of you noticed the huge deficit this guy is running up? The Republican strategy over the past twenty years has been to run up the deficit and let the Democrats figure out how to pay it off because they know that elections are basically cyclical. You need to start pounding it into people's heads that LARGER DEFICIT = HIGHER TAXES. It's the average American who's holding the bill for this deficit and you need to make them realize that that bill is going to come due. If something isn't done soon about the deficit, we're fucked. That's your message. How many recessions and depressions have been preceded by financial problems? I'll tell you: ALL OF THEM. Make the fucking connection!

These are but a few ideas for the creatively challenged retards on the Kerry campaign and the Democratic National Committee. There are a thousand more. Get rid of all the cronies you have working for you and hire some creative minds to put your campaign strategy together because the current one sucks. This is a simple message from everyone who can't stand George W. Bush: Get your shit together and get it together fast or you're going to lose another election that should have been a lock.


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