The Adventures of Joe Dirt

Bomb Rating: 

I have no respect for anybody whose head I could urinate over.

David Spade as Joe Dirt

Anybody who has read me for any length of time knows that I think David Spade is a little weasel. First of all, the guy is a smarmy, smug bastard and he's what, 4'9"? I have no respect for anybody whose head I could urinate over.

Apparently, because he's been told he's funny and because he's on a television show or two, David thought he could also write a movie. Here's a message to Spade and any other aspiring comedian/actor/singer who adopts a sudden penchant for filmmaking: Just try to tell a story, okay? I mean, if you're unable to get from point A to point B without inflicting acute pain on your audience, take up some other trendy hobby. Yoga, for example, is very hip this week.

This applies to "Joe Dirt" in the following way: Poor, disgusting Joe Dirt (Spade) is the janitor at a radio station, where he walks into the sound booth and starts telling his story to DJ Xander (Dennis Miller). Inevitably, there's scene after scene of really cute women and really pathetic men listening to their radios in rapt attention. You know what? This has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It's just filler for an inept screenplay and a complete waste of my time. Cut all that crap out -- it does nothing to move the story forward.

Here's an innovative idea: Why not just start at the beginning of Joe Dirt's story and go to the end? It's bad enough that Joe falls for an unbelievably gorgeous girl named Brandy (Brittany Daniel) -- who could also pee over his head, incidentally -- but it's worse that I have to sit there and listen to Dennis Miller play Dennis Miller cracking wise about Joe Dirt's life. Man, there's a challenge -- when you think of Dennis, you think of "range." Dennis Miller also carries the distinction of being the only person on the planet smarmier than David Spade. Seeing the two of them in the same space together made me hope for a sudden fire on the set, and nothing more.

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