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This is an actual letter I received on Thursday from the good people at poetry.com - which, if you don't know by now, is essentially a huge vanity press:
***
Dear Eamon,
I am excited to inform you that in addition to your selection for inclusion in a hardbound anthology, you have also been chosen to be one of 33 poets whose artistry will be recorded professionally as a special part of a new poetry collection, <u>The Sound of Poetry</u>. I'm writing to get your permission to include your poem, "Your Tennis Ball Versus His Hacky Sack," in this highly acclaimed and internationally distributed three-album collection, scheduled to be released four weeks after we receive all permissions.
Eamon, our Editors have personally selected this group of poems whose expressive quality would best exemplify the art of poetry through the spoken word. The fact that your poem is among them is a testament to the diversity of your poetic talent. We feel your poem can be appreciated not only in print, but can also be enjoyed by people listening to it presented aloud by a professional reader.
<u>The Sound of Poetry</u>, released on both compact disc (CD) and cassette tape, features an inspiring introduction as a prelude to the selected artistry, as well as a brief commentary about each featured poem and poet. Beautiful baroque music forms the background to the spoken words.
Just imagine, Eamon, how your friends and family will feel when they hear your name...your words...presented as part of this exclusive collection. This album will instantly become a treasured keepsake to all who hear and enjoy it.
I have enclosed a copy of your poem as it is scheduled to be recorded on the album set. Please carefully read your poem and make any necessary corrections to be forwarded to the recording studio. (Please forgive us if you have already made these corrections on your "Artist's Proof." Any corrections you may have made to that proof have been forwarded to your Editor, and you can be assured that they will appear in the book. However this "recording proof" must be sent to the recording studio as soon as possible, so we are asking that you review it again for this purpose.)
<u>The Sound of Poetry</u> will be a major addition to the body of poetic recordings that are available today. And, as with all of our projects, although you are under no obligation to make a purchase of any kind, if you wish to own a copy of this three-album set, it is available to you directly from us at a reduced price not available to the public. And, as always, your satisfaction is assured with an unconditional money-back guarantee.
Oh, and one final note, Eamon. If you have friends or relatives who have also been selected for our publications, <b>please be aware that this offer may not be available to them.</b> It has been extended only to those individuals whose poems have been permanently chosen by our Editors as having that expressive quality that can be appreciated not only in print, but through the spoken word as well.
Sincerely,
Howard Ely
Managing Editor
P.S. You won't find a better value in the CD or cassette industry than <u>The Sound of Poetry</u>. The highest quality artistic and manufacturing standards have gone into the production of this three-album set. And, of course, best of all is that it will feature the poetic artistry of Eamon Doyle.
P.P.S. As a poet chosen for inclusion in <u>The Sound of Poetry</u>, you will also be eligible to attend The International Society of Poet's Convention and Symposium held each year in Washington, DC. This year's convention will be held August 23-25, 2002. Keep the date, a formal invitation will be mailed to you soon.
***
And the groundbreaking poem in question? Well, here ya go:
***
Your Tennis Ball Versus His Hacky Sack
By Eamon Doyle
You bring your tennis ball
to school
every day.
He brings his hacky sack
to school
just about every day.
Today
the two almost met!
Your tennis ball
versus
his hacky sack.
Who would win?
This
should be the foremost matter
on the minds
of our world leaders.
***
Actually, the durn thing's not bad. :-P
One more thing: The "value" price at which they're offering me this collection is (drumroll)...
$59.
Yes, you read correctly.
O.K. No further comments.
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