Alien: Resurrection

Bomb Rating: 

This film made me physically ill, so much so that if Winona Ryder had walked up to me in a topless Catholic schoolgirl uniform selling Girl Scout cookies, I would still have projectile vomited all over her. In order to explain this sickness I'm going to have to describe some events fairly close to the end of the film, but since there isn't an ounce of suspense in this movie, nobody should mind.

The sickness occurs because there's an alien creature at the end, born as a result of the same genetic manipulation that brings Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) back to life. The creature has mostly alien DNA, with just enough of Ripley's DNA to make it look almost exactly like Jeff Goldblum did toward the end of "The Fly." There are actually scenes where the creature looks at Ripley as though it wants to breast feed and cuddle. Christ, if you're going to be so pathetic in flushing the whole "Alien" series down the toilet, why not do it right and use Muppets?

As a result of her mixed genetic material via the cloning process, Ripley has superhuman strength. If only she had used it to rip Winona's head off. Putting Winona Ryder in an action thriller like "Alien" makes about as much sense as letting Marlon Brando lead a Jazzercize video. Her character, Call, is about as interesting as a pound of alien dung.

Frenchman Jean-Pierre ("City of Lost Children") Jeunet is the man responsible for making "Alien 4" and now gets to spend the rest of his career trying to figure out how to get the arm of the monkey that used to be on David Fincher's back out of his own ass.

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