All the Way with Mary Kay

I've found a wonderful and simple filter to find out who on the planet needs to be removed from it immediately to prevent their numerous, ignorant offspring from taking down the entire human race with them: If you watched or were interested in "Entertainment Tonight's" coverage of the Mary Kay LeTourneau wedding, please raise your hand. Now keep it up, so that we can find you, load you on a rocket ship and shoot it directly into the sun. I mean, send you on a magical space journey to a faraway planet where the beer is free and all the TV channels broadcast 24-hour topless NASCAR. A card will be showing up in the mail soon with information on where to park your Ford F150s and your mobile homes.

Due to editorial conventions that state, more or less, that a writer like myself must rehash the basics of a particular story so that the ignorant reader will know what the hell I'm talking about, here's the background in case you've been living in a cave for the last ten years: Sometime during June 1996, Mary Kay LeTourneau, a married schoolteacher and mother of four children, began an affair with her 13-year-old student, Vili Fualaau, a member of her sixth grade class. LeTourneau was arrested in March of 1997 on charges of second-degree rape of a child. At the time, she was pregnant with the first of their two children. She pleaded guilty and was sentenced to seven-and-a-half years in prison. Having no previous record, she only had to serve six months of the sentence, but was sent to serve her full term after ignoring orders to stay away from the apparently irresistible Fualaau. Even after the court ordered her to stop raping the boy, LeTourneau continued her so-called "love affair." Upon LeTourneau's release from prison, Fualaau, 21, had the order to keep her away from him dropped and now they're getting hitched.

Now, don't get me wrong. When I was in sixth grade, I definitely had my eye on a few of my hotter elementary school teachers and if they would have volunteered to put my love stick into overdrive, I would have been the most excited 13-year-old on the planet. Certainly, my classmates and I discussed such possibilities in the boys' bathroom but were fairly realistic about the chances of our fantasies becoming reality. Sadly, none of our teachers ever made our wishes come true. Undoubtedly, this was because they were all reasonably sane and interested in not going to prison. You see, raping a child is a crime. Would we be having "Entertainment Tonight" specials if the sexes were reversed? Can you imagine Mary Hart announcing: "Come join us Thursday for the marriage of 69-year-old Malcolm Sykash as he marries his 21-year-old sweetheart, the girl he raped 200 times when she was only eight-year-old. Ryan Seacrest will perform the ceremony and Boyz II Men will sing at the reception." Or maybe instead of vilifying Catholic priests for abusing their little charges, we can throw celebratory parties instead? After all, what requires more faith: true love or divine inspiration?

How is it that there isn't a protest outside the offices of "Entertainment Tonight" right this minute calling for the firing of every producer and every on-air personality associated with this fiasco? Let me be clear: "Entertainment Tonight" is fucked in the head. I guess what they're trying to suggest is that Mary Kay and Vili's relationship is actually a case of true love. If this isn't the most twisted and ironic psychological analysis since Pat Buchanan declared Hitler a genius, I don't know what is. A 34-year-old willing to sleep with one of her sixth-grade students is suffering from more problems than I could possibly list here. And what of Vili? It certainly wouldn't be a stretch to suggest that this kid is going to have some major psychological problems during his adulthood. Fortunately, the source won't be hard to locate.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'd prefer Christian broadcasting to the crap on "Entertainment Tonight," a declaration that suggests what's got our nation on such a conservative death spiral. Don't fear though, in my "free rocket ride" program, the whole "Entertainment Tonight" staff is first in line. Cards will be in the mail soon explaining where to park those Mercedeses and donate those used copies of "Fahrenheit 9/11."


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