Almost Heroes

Bomb Rating: 

While visiting Chicago last week I walked into Water TowerPlaza and contemplated paying $8.25 to see this film. I thought that it might be worthwhile to experience what it was like to be sodomized by the film industry like every other schnook who can't snag a free press pass. Thank God I had a flash of sanity at the last second, because I'd have rather given prostate exams to angry badgers than paid money to see a film this egregious.

Usually when an actor dies and the studio subsequently releases his or her last movie, you're apt to read comments like "although not a great film, (so-and-so's) performance makes you wish he/she was around longer." "Almost Heroes" is such an abomination that one actually wishes Chris Farley had kicked off long before he got anywhere near this script. The filmmakers would have been kinder to Farley's memory by taking a collective piss on his rotting corpse.

The movie is the story of an expedition led by Leslie Edwards (Matthew Perry) and Bartholomew Hunt (Chris Farley) that's supposedly competing with that of Lewis and Clark. Naturally, the Edwards and Hunt expedition is supposed to be the one we've never heard of because it was bungled or ill-fated or some sycophantic script-monkey made it up.

I don't know what imbecile edited this film together but I could have done a better job with one arm tied behind my back while receiving electroshock treatments. And forget the "Saturday Night Live" curse; how about the "Friends" curse? Death would seem a welcome release compared to a life of starring roles in such gems as "Ed", "The Pallbearer" and "Fools Rush In." Memo to Matthew Perry (and all the "Friends" for that matter): more Vicadin, not less.

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  • During this film I wished I was a dog, so I could laugh at the silly humans sitting in the movie theater having the life sucked right out of them while I sat, curled up in a corner, licking myself.

  • I think it says something about Matthew Perry's viability as a romantic lead when groups of quadraplegic cub scouts sit around arguing about which one of them could kick his ass faster.

    "Nod him to

  • The gravitationally-challenged must be as thrilled asstarving pigs at the trough to know that Chris Farley has emerged as their new Jesus.


Anonymous's picture

YOU SUCK. Mr. Cranky sucks cock. this film is the greatest film of all time.

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