American Pie

Bomb Rating: 

Universal Studios presumes that teenagers are dying to see a film in which another teenager puts his penis in a warm apple pie.

Inserting your forefinger and middle finger into a woman's vagina, which is known colloquially as "getting to third base," is a feeling akin to warm apple pie, or so asserts this film directed and produced by Farrelly brother wannabees Paul and Chris Weitz. They manage to plumb to new comedic lows by objectifying women as bakery products.

Really, this whole apple pie thing begs a plethora of complicated questions. Does the apple pie have to be homemade or store bought? If store bought, can you use one of those Dolly Madison pies that come in the little wrappers? Is blueberry pie considered more kinky? And what about cherry pie? At least most people know about the sexual symbolism of cherries and the double entendres.

This is all relevant because Jim (Jason Biggs) -- along with friends Oz (Chris Klein), Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas), and Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) -- is so desperate to lose his virginity before high school that he places his penis in the middle of a warm apple pie baked by his mother. The film's entire advertising campaign hinges upon this dubious moment: Universal Studios presumes that teenagers are dying to see a film in which another teenager puts his penis in a warm apple pie.

Unfortunately, this is essentially the film's only joke. There's another one where Jim is caught masturbating into a sock, but that's also in the film's trailers. Otherwise, the brothers are pretty much drained of ideas. Desperate to fit in to the Hollywood mold, their film tries to teach lessons and be heartfelt at the same time its main character is porking lukewarm pastry. The best bet for success for these two: let the real Farrelly brothers use them as fluid donors in their next film.

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