The Animal

Bomb Rating: 

Boring midget and former SNL cast member Rob Schneider plays an aspiring police officer named Marvin Mage, who is fixed up with animal parts after a horrible car accident. Before too long, he starts taking on the characteristics of the various animals.

After seeing "What's the Worst that Could Happen?" and deciding the answer would be "more SNL cast members," this movie comes along to make this horrific vision a reality. Cameos from Norm MacDonald and Adam Sandler round out the tally at five -- count 'em, five -- SNL cast members premiering in theaters in a single week. How many of Lorne's untalented orphans is Hollywood expected to adopt? I'm all for self-esteem, but mediocre comedians belong in front of a brick wall in a dusty cellar bar, not on movie screens where they suck the humor not only from their own theater, but from adjoining theaters as well.

To top it all off, Ed Asner has a part in the film. I don't know what's happened to Ed Asner since "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," but he looks like he's spent his leisure time studying infomercials, because his acting now resembles that of a used car salesman. His best shot at steady work might lie in porn. Let's put it this way: He makes Rob Schneider look competent.

And if things weren't bad enough, "Survivor" cast member (and the 11th person to be kicked off of the show, which I learned because the radio idiot giving out t-shirts at the preview was chock full of such useful facts) Colleen Haskell starts a trend likely to be a snowball from hell -- "Survivor" cast members in films. Fortunately for her, since Schneider and Asner can't act, her only real on-camera challenge is to not drool while saying her lines.

What I couldn't get past was Colleen's hair. That coif needs to log a flight plan. If somebody tossed Colleen out of a moving car, she'd glide gently to the pavement using those wings she's got. Colleen plays Rianna, who runs an animal clinic and thus has sympathy for the confused Schneider once he figures out what's wrong. You sort of have to feel for director Luke Greenfield here. With all that bad acting going on in front of him, it's a miracle he didn't shoot himself in the middle of filming. Frankly, it's a miracle I didn't shoot myself in the middle of this movie.

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