Antz

Bomb Rating: 

Who exactly makes an animated film that features the voice of Woody Allen? That's deranged.

Okay, let's see if I have this straight. All these kids are going to goto the theater for what is essentially a Woody Allen film? Just think of all those six and seven-year-old girls in the audience -- a few years from now when Soon Yi starts to droop, they'll be at a nice age for the Woodster to start hittin' on them and they can all look back to this movie as their first introduction. Woody and his little darling will appear on Barbara Walters in 2008 and she'll say something like: "I remember that day in 1998 when we rented 'Antz' for a slumber party, and I realized how fun Mr. Allen, I mean Woody, could be."

"Antz" is the first of two animated films due out in the next month and supposedly the one Jeffrey Katzenberg stole from Disney, took to Dreamworks and then released before Disney and Pixar could come out with "A Bug's Life." Thus, the press kit spends an inordinate amount of time establishing how PDI, the computer animation company, had been working on the idea since 1991. However, I was leaning up against the same palm tree as Jeffrey Katzenberg once. He was this little, bald tan guy who gave me the impression he'd screw his own mother if it meant showing his own father he could beat him at something, so I find this whole defensive posture somewhat suspicious.

And who exactly makes an animated film that features the voice of Woody Allen? That's deranged. What's even more deranged is using Christopher Walken. He plays Colonel Cutter, General Mandible's (Gene Hackman) assistant. The General has a plan to start a new colony but Z's (Allen) interest in individuality and his accidental kidnapping of Princess Bala (Sharon Stone) get in the way.

Frankly, animated movies in which you can recognize all the people's voices are just annoying. You just sit there and think about Sylvester Stallone standing in a booth while the audio guys make faces because they can see the varicose veins of his inner thigh pulsing through his spandex. To make things worse, the animators make the characters look like the actors, as if we needed the visual aids to figure it all out. Actually, Sharon Stone was somewhat indistinguishable. If Princess Bala hadn't sat down and flashed her ovipositor, I never would have had a clue.

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