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Okay, less see eff'n ah have this hyar straight. All these kids is a-gonna hoof it to th' theater fo' whut is essentially a Woody Allen film? Jest reckon of all them six an' seven-year-old gals in th' audience -- a few years fum now when Soon Yi starts t'droop, they'll be at a nice age fo' th' Woodster t'start hittin' on them an' they kin all look back t'this movie as their fust intryduckshun. Woody an' his li'l darlin' will appear on Barbaree Walters in 2008 an' she'll say sumpin like: "ah remember thet day in 1998 when we rented 'Antz' fo' a slumber party, an' ah reckanized how fun Mr. Allen, ah mean Woody, c'd be." "Antz" is th' fust of two animated films due out in th' next month an' supposedly th' one Jeffrey Katzenberg stole fum Disney, took t'Dreamwawks an' then released befo'e Disney an' Pixar c'd come out wif "A Bug's Life." Thus, th' press kit spends an ino'dinate amount of time establishin' how PDI, th' computer animashun compenny, had been wawkin' on th' idea on account o' 1991. Howevah, ah was leanin' up aginst th' same palm tree as Jeffrey Katzenberg once. He was this hyar li'l, bald tan guy who gave me th' impresshun he'd screw his own Mammy eff'n it meant showin' his own Pappy he c'd beat him at sumpin, so ah find this hyar whole defensive posture somewhut suspicious. An' who exackly makes an animated film thet features th' voice of Woody Allen? Thet's deranged, cuss it all t' tarnation. Whut in tarnation's even mo'e deranged is usin' Jed Walken, as enny fool kin plainly see. He plays Colonel Cutter, Juneral Man'ible's (June Hackman) assistant. Th' Juneral has a plan t'start a noo colony but Z's (Allen) interess in indivijoolity an' his accidental kidnappin' of Princess Bala (Sharon Stone) git in th' way. Ole Man Frankly, animated movies in which yo' kin reckanize all th' varmints's voices is jest annoyin'. Yo' jest set thar an' reckon about Sylvester Stallone stan'in' in a booth while th' audio guys make faces on account o' they kin see th' varicose veins of his inner thigh pulsin' through his span'ex. To make thin's wo'se, th' animato's make th' chareeckers look like th' acko's, as eff'n we needed th' visual aids t'figger it all out. Acshully, Sharon Stone was somewhut indistin'uishable. Eff'n Princess Bala hadn't sat down an' flashed her oviposito', ah nevah'd haf had a clue.
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