After Martin Landau tried to put most of America to sleep with his Oscar speech for "Ed Wood" in 1995, somebody's light-bulb-for-a-brain went off in Hollywood and thought, "Hey, if Martin can be that boring and overbearing in real life, surely he could do that same thing in a movie!"

In a case of typical Hollywood serendipity, another Hollywood genius was watching the original "Pinocchio" at precisely the same moment thinking, "Wouldn't it be great if we could use all our technology and special effects and suck the joy right out of everyone's favorite classic?"

And the live action "Adventures of Pinocchio" was born. You remember the story, right?

Pinocchio has a huge nasal erection in class after telling a lie. Because he's made of wood and has a long nose (an obvious metaphor) the other kids call him Woody. Since all the kids want to be just like Woody, they befriend him and take him to an amusement park where they turn into donkeys after drinking the water. This begs the question, "What's a Woody to do with a bunch of asses?"

Franky, I was shocked. I hadn't been so shocked since playing my "Little Mermaid" video backwards on the advice of the Christian Coalition. (True to their claims, in the "Under the Sea" number you can clearly hear Sebastian the lobster say, "ming foo wurble glee, all hail the sodomite agenda.") While we're at it, why not preface this movie with the animated short of "Heather Has Two Mommies"?