The Adventures of Pinocchio

Bomb Rating: 
"Wouldn't it be great if we could use all our technology andspecial effects and suck the joy right out of everyone's favorite classic?"
Adventures of Pinocchio

After Martin Landau tried to put most of America to sleep with his Oscar speech for "Ed Wood" in 1995, somebody's light-bulb-for-a-brain went off in Hollywood and thought, "Hey, if Martin can be that boring and overbearing in real life, surely he could do that same thing in a movie!"

In a case of typical Hollywood serendipity, another Hollywood genius was watching the original "Pinocchio" at precisely the same moment thinking, "Wouldn't it be great if we could use all our technology and special effects and suck the joy right out of everyone's favorite classic?"

And the live action "Adventures of Pinocchio" was born. You remember the story, right?

Pinocchio has a huge nasal erection in class after telling a lie. Because he's made of wood and has a long nose (an obvious metaphor) the other kids call him Woody. Since all the kids want to be just like Woody, they befriend him and take him to an amusement park where they turn into donkeys after drinking the water. This begs the question, "What's a Woody to do with a bunch of asses?"

Franky, I was shocked. I hadn't been so shocked since playing my "Little Mermaid" video backwards on the advice of the Christian Coalition. (True to their claims, in the "Under the Sea" number you can clearly hear Sebastian the lobster say, "ming foo wurble glee, all hail the sodomite agenda.") While we're at it, why not preface this movie with the animated short of "Heather Has Two Mommies"?

To spread the word about this The Adventures of Pinocchio review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
2 Comments

Like This The Adventures of Pinocchio Review? Vote it Up.

1

Rate This Movie:

Average: 3 (2 votes)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • Perhaps I don't have as much to say about this movie as some others because, despite my best efforts, I couldn't figure out how it got made.

  • Robert De Niro produced this movie, which makes you wonder what is going through that man's brain. Morphine, perhaps?

  • When America revolted against Great Britain all those years ago we declared ourselves free: free of taxation without representation, free of colonialism, free of Shakespeare.

Wow, Heather has 2 moms, never thought I'd hear anyone...

TMundo's picture

...say that again. Don't forget the other book, daddy has a roommate. Was it the rainbow curriculum? not to be confused with the rainbow coalition. Oh boy.

who's franky?

dlew919's picture

just wondering 

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.