Atlantis

Bomb Rating: 

Basically, this is Disney's attempt to try something that doesn't involve a big-breasted little girl without a mother and lots of cute, song-singing animals to keep her company.

There is a point where the main character, a geeky archaeologist named Milo Thatch (voice by Michael J. Fox) grabs a roll of toilet paper and a shovel and wanders into the woods to take a pit stop on the road to finding the lost city of Atlantis.

Thank Buddha we do not get to see the latest advances in animation technology -- particularly the AsscamTM -- as an animated Michael J. Fox takes a dump out in the wilderness. Isn't this taking reality just a bit far? Did I even need to think about this? Did the directors think to themselves, "Wow, we really need to point out to fans of animation that these cute characters have assholes and can honk out a stinky dirt snake if need be"?

This scene proceeds to hang over the rest of the film like a dark cloud. Whatever else might be going on, the filmmakers' Freudian fascination with bowel movements makes one wonder if this whole endeavor's underlying theme isn't rather ominous. Perhaps the next Disney movie is going to be an animated version of "Fantastic Voyage" that starts from the other end. Speaking of crap, what is the deal with Don Novello (a.k.a. Father Guido Sarducci)? Is the man capable of altering his voice in any way other than as Father Guido? He plays one of the explorers, Vinny, and he sounds like Father Guido. I sat there and no matter what he was saying, I thought of Father Guido.

Milo, Commander Rourke (James Garner), Helga (Claudia Christian) and the rest of the crew (One member voiced by Jim Varney. The guy has been dead for ten years. How is that possible?) find Atlantis and a dying race of people led by Leonard Nimoy and Kida (Cree Summer). Basically, this is Disney's attempt to try something that doesn't involve a big-breasted little girl without a mother and lots of cute, song-singing animals to keep her company. Naturally, it fails miserably.

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