The fact that “Atonement” was nominated for the best picture at the Oscars teaches a valuable lesson to young filmmakers everywhere: if you want to be nominated for best picture, all you need are characters with British accents. That’s it. Forget about trivial things such as an entertaining plot or interesting dialogue, because in the minds of pompous movie critics, British accents apparently make a movie “art.” Undoubtedly, the makers of this piece of dog crap said to themselves, “Hey, if the makers of the ‘English Patient’ can win best picture, why can’t we?” They picked Joe Wright, who made the movie adaptation of Jane Austin’s edge-of-your-seat novel, “Pride and Prejudice”, to direct it.

To get the plot crap out of the way: two spoiled British trust fund babies, Briony (Saoirse Ronan) and her sister Cecilia (Keira “Pirates of the Caribbean” Knightley) have nothing better to do on a hot summer night in 1935. Robbie Turner (James “The Last King of Scotland” McAvoy) is the son of the housekeeper who wants to get in to Cecilia’s pants. Cecilia likes him, but basically thinks to herself, “I’m a member of the upper-class, he’s a mere peasant, so why should I give him the time of day?” Later that night, just to show her superiority, she helps frame and send Robbie to jail for a crime he didn’t commit.

Fast forward a few years later: Robbie has achieved hero status for serving as a British foot soldier in World War Two. Cecilia, who’s training to be a nurse in the war, suddenly wants him because he’s a war hero, and he still wants her. Movie critics found this as an artistic symbol of Cecilia’s desire to “atone” for her past sins. There is, however, a much simpler interpretation of this: Robbie is a sucker who has no testicles. If he did, then he would have mailed Cecilia a rubber dildo and a hand-written set of instructions on how to use it. For Pete’s sake, this is the woman who knowingly helped frame him for a crime he didn’t commit. I can understand that Keira Knightley is hot, but not that hot.

Most of the film’s scenes consist of British characters saying something asinine, and then staring off into space pensively for 30 seconds or so. I’m not quite sure how critics consider that to be art. The final slap in the face, especially to all of the British viewers: American-born actress Roran’s fake accent is about as believable as the reasons George W. Bush gave to the public for going to war in Iraq.

The only people who have to “atone” are the makers of this piece of crap.

--vectorzero