Babe: Pig in the City

Bomb Rating: 

What's with all the goddamned shots of pig booty? There we are,innocently pursuing the exploits of Babe the pig as he skips off to the city to save the farm, and we're treated to shot after shot of Babe's ass. I mean, this is a film for kids, right? "Why look, Billy, there's Babe's crusty, pink anus looming three feet high right there on the movie screen! Try not to awaken screaming from nightmares about being devoured by that tonight!"

Aside from featuring porcine tuckus and dog schlongs for ninety minutes, this is a depressing movie. It has fun animating animal's mouths and forcing them -- against their will -- to say cute things, but it also makes a compelling argument for euthanasia. What you see is Babe in the city, where he saves a pit bull and ends up housing all kinds of stray animals in his hotel. (What you don't see are the dozens of stunt piglets that were killed or maimed during the action sequences. The scene where Babe bails out of a flaming Air Force One must have burned through ten alone.)

When the wide-eyed three-year-old sitting next to me turned to his mother and asked, "Mommy, how come there are so many unwanted animals?" it just broke my heart to have to turn and tell him that had scumballs like his parents been more diligent in putting their pets to sleep then we wouldn't have this problem of kittens and puppies being run over in the highway like exploding bags of tomato paste. When he turned to mommy after my explanation and asked if that was what had happened to Spot the purebred Dalmatian last winter, I knew my life had served its purpose.

In fact, I was thinking about how fun it might be to get myself a cute little pig like Babe -- until he grew up and got fat and ugly and I'd have to abandon him out in the suburbs somewhere. Speaking of fat, I can assure you that the farmer's wife (Magda Szubanski) is no billboard for vegetarianism. She's a meat-eater if ever there was one, and I can guarantee you that all the protesting in the world from the cute talking pig and the cute talking goose won't keep her from unhinging her jaw like an anaconda and devouring them both whole at Thanksgiving dinner. Think about that pretty picture while gnawing your hormone-riddled bird carcass this year.

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