Bad Company

Bomb Rating: 

I thought plots involving twins were the kind of thing left to bad soap operas and Jean-Claude Van Damme, but I guess I was wrong.

In addition to this film, Joel Schumacher directed "Batman and Robin," which now makes him Hollywood's version of anthrax. "Bad Company" is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, who never met an overbearing theme song he didn't like and conveys his films' plot points with deafening, slow-motion explosions. Letting either of these guys make a film is like sticking a paintbrush in the rectum of a monkey and letting him try to do a classical mural on the floor of an art museum. Teaming these men is like sticking the bristle end of the first paintbrush into the ass of another monkey.

I don't know where anybody got the idea that Chris Rock could act, but the guy is making about as much progress in his new career as Corey Feldman is as a pop singer. In this film, Rock is a streetwise, sarcastic punk who tries to become a CIA agent in nine days. His preferred training method is to scream at the top of his lungs like an eight-year-old girl in a haunted house. (To be fair to eight-year-old girls, I don't believe they do half as much screaming in haunted houses as Chris Rock does in this movie.)

Jake Hayes (Rock) gets involved with the CIA and veteran agent Gaylord Oakes (Anthony Hopkins) because Hayes's twin brother, a real CIA agent, was killed trying to put together an elaborate nuclear weapons deal. It becomes Oakes's job to train Jake so that he can pass as his brother. This would be a palatable idea if, at any time, Jake were convincing. The only people in the theater who believe for one second that Jake is his brother are the morons on screen. If Rock dressed up in a Barney suit he'd be a less subtle imposter.

I thought plots involving twins were the kind of thing left to bad soap operas and Jean-Claude Van Damme, but I guess I was wrong. I also thought Anthony Hopkins had some modicum of self-respect. Aren't the British supposed to be semi-literate? Did Anthony forget to read the script before agreeing to the role? Can Anthony read at all? This is the kind of film where guys run through public places brandishing deadly weapons and when the cops try to stop them they hold up little I.D. cards, yell "CIA," and keep running. Apparently no matter how public an area, when you do that, the cops just stop and let you keep going. I suggest Rock give this a shot the next time he's pulled over for a traffic ticket.

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