09/09/07: You're right. Here's my second try.

The night...was sticky. No, hot. No, humid.

Much like the plot of "Throw Momma From The Train", The Black Dahlia doesn't know exactly what to say. It starts out with an unexplained huge fight scene, which serves to introduce the two main lead characters - Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart.

Naturally, since they're both boxers, they must fight. There's more male bonding here than in the Minneapolis airport restroom, as Hartnett has his teeth knocked out - the only enjoyable moment in this crapfest. For some reason, this means that for the rest of the movie, he has an expression reminiscent of Charles Bronson's, but without his acting ability (sic).

Enter Scarlett Johanssen. Both of them. Despite the outfits, any potential sexiness is destroyed by her *duh* expression which passes for her character. Her romantic rival is Hilary Swank. Nice casting there, boys....

An hour into the movie, we are finally introduced to the murder from which the novel and movie got their name. But we never meet the victim, just her friends and her father, who speaks in similes inspired by grade A opium ("I have an alibi - and it's tighter than a crab's ass!).

And in case you wanted to fast forward to the gratuitious sex scenes? Sorry, charlie. When Hartnett finally starts crying like a little girl, which apparently turns Scarlett on immensely, it fades to black after 5 seconds. There was more genuine passion in the Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley kiss.

The movie wants to be LAA. Confidential, but it's not. De Palma wants to be Scorcese, but he's not. And I'm sure the plot all made sense if you had a hit of meth, but I didn't.

4 bombs.

Mike

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