Show me a man who is so sensitive that he owns a flower shop and attends the children's reading hour at the local library and I'll slice him open with his hedge clippers and show you the first evidence of an alien takeover.

"Bed of Roses" is a combination love/horror story that boldly asserts that rich people deserve to be happy too. Lisa (Mary Stuart Masterson) is such a successful businessperson that she only has time for a relationship with a guy whose idea of romance is breaking into her house. She meets a man (Christian Slater) who is so successful that he owns his own flower business. Naturally, they're both so sad that their sadness draws them to each other and they find that by filing a joint tax return they can live happily ever after.

So-called "love" films always succumb to the notion that audiences aren't sophisticated enough to understand that when two people kiss, make googly eyes at each other and spend four or five days licking toxic waste off each others' naked bodies, they're in love. Consequently, every touching moment is followed by a redundant song describing how the character feels. When Lisa's stepfather and fish both die in a span of about three seconds, the filmmakers start blasting some awful song with a title like: "My Fish and Stepfather Just Died; Will Somebody Love Me?" Later, Mary Stuart and Christian have a brief falling out and we get some Carpenter-esque sounding tune like "We Had a Brief Falling Out but We'll Get Back Together Before This Film Ends. Please Buy the Soundtrack."